MENLO PARK – For Roger Shuckem, Thursdays always include posting pictures of days-gone-by on social media accounts, participating in the widely hashtagged “Throwback Thursday,” or #TBT.
This year, however, TBT fell on the very important (not commercial at all) Valentine’s Day.
“I was ready,” Roger said. “I spent over three hundred dollars to celebrate with my girlfriend.”
But when Roger arrived at the upscale restaurant in a rented limo to meet his date, he found a note.
“We’re through. Check Instagram.”
Roger immediately looked at his phone, which he already had in his hand, broadcasting the last five minutes of his life for anyone who had nothing better to do than watch unscripted Roger live his life, and he gasped.
“I posted a TBT pic of my girlfriend. But it was my ex-girlfriend from five years ago.”
He contacted Instagram post haste to blame them for himself being an imbecile, and then called his present girlfriend.
It went to voicemail.
“I guess I have two ex-girlfriends now. I see it as an opportunity to post more stuff about how lame I am with relationships. But I’ll have to wait until next Thursday.”
Roger didn’t throw his plans out the window, however. He enjoyed a very expensive meal at the restaurant alone, and took a rented limo home with a hooker.
DUBAI – Fearing another government shutdown, Congress is taking a radical new step to keep the government functioning within a reasonable budget for the first time since the United States ratified its constitution.
The US government is exporting itself overseas.
Congressman Whacko, speaking from an undisclosed foreign land via Skype, stated, “Apple does it. They make great phones sometimes. Why can’t our government do it? We could pay children less than a living wage to make US policy. Any kind of policy. And I’ll still have my bottle of hooch in the desk drawer.”
Some critics of the proposal are gobsmacked.
“We visit other countries to get away from this one,” said Gene Toranious of Utah. “Other countries have culture. So why would we want to visit another country if our government is manufacturing policy over there? This makes no sense. If this goes through I’m moving to Canada. I hate foreign countries now.”
Still others are in favor.
Vanessa Cliqueon was all smiles. “Maybe I’ll get a tax break. I’m a world thinker. I think I should get a tax break.”
The bill is set to be voted on in the next day or two, depending on who has a date for Valentine’s Day.
Further investigation revealed President Trump is in final negotiations to acquire a hotel made with foreign steel. He plans to erect a wall around the house and then name it a combination of Trump House and The White House.
Early Tuesday he tweeted, “I think The Trite House is what I’ll call this new home for our government. It’s good. GOOD. I’M A GENIUS.”