WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.
“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”
The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.
“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”
Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.
“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.
Nods around the room prompted him to go on.
“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”
Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.
This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.
NEW YORK – New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced on Wednesday that he would join the crowded field of Democrats seeking the 2020 Presidential nomination, after finally giving up trying to repair the aging New York City transit system.
“He just threw his hands up in a meeting with (New York City Transit President) Andy Byford and said ‘That’s it, it’s impossible.,'” mayoral aide Stephanie Howland said. “And he just walked out of the room.”
The mayor’s aides sought to follow him back to his office after his outburst, but the two-term mayor had already barricaded himself inside, launching into a diatribe that could be heard clearly from the hallway.
“‘It’ll never get fixed. Never! We’ve tried everything and nothing’s working,'” one aide quoted from de Blasio’s tirade. The aide went on: “He said, ‘I might as well quit and run for president with how this **** is going.'”
The mayor’s outburst, which included flinging papers and overturning chairs abruptly stopped. The door to his office flew open and he yelled to his staffers outside.
“Get in here, I’ve got an idea.” he said to the crowded group outside the door.
Mayor de Blasio should have no trouble repairing a crumbling, 250 year-old republic of 350 million people after his feeble attempts at fixing a few 100 year-old broken trains.
WASHINGTON – Waves rippled through Capitol Hill Wednesday evening when a Soundcloud track of a freshman democratic congressman exposed what was perceived as the politician’s unvarnished strategy. The quote was recorded at a popular, if overly priced, restaurant. The quote, in its entirety, is as follows:
“I’m lowering my expectations. I mean, low. So low that I might flush them. In fact, as soon as I’m done explaining myself I’m going to the toilet to flush them because that’s how low they’re going. Down the old tubes. Down, down… down down, around in a swirl and down further. Crocodiles can eat my expectations. You know, the crocodiles in the sewer that everyone is scared of? Well, they’re real. Did I ever tell you that time I was a kid and ventured into a big drainage ditch like a quarter mile or something and saw man holes overhead and they were filled with cockroaches? That happened. That was never unearthed during my campaign which shows you how thorough those press people really are, but it happened. I saw cockroaches under manhole covers. Talk about an iron ceiling. Anyway, that’s where my expectations are going. Down there. Cockroaches will look down on my expectations. And then it will all be easier.”
The unknown dining partner asked, “do you mean… expectations that you’ll get to read the Mueller report? Or the next two years of this administration?”
The congressman replied, “I meant for the steak I ordered. What are you talking about?”
The Nebulous Observer, along with all major news organizations of the world, past and present, has been asked to help to identify the identity of the congressman, as well as how he ordered his steak.
~ by Dan Plighter
DUBAI – Fearing another government shutdown, Congress is taking a radical new step to keep the government functioning within a reasonable budget for the first time since the United States ratified its constitution.
The US government is exporting itself overseas.
Congressman Whacko, speaking from an undisclosed foreign land via Skype, stated, “Apple does it. They make great phones sometimes. Why can’t our government do it? We could pay children less than a living wage to make US policy. Any kind of policy. And I’ll still have my bottle of hooch in the desk drawer.”
Some critics of the proposal are gobsmacked.
“We visit other countries to get away from this one,” said Gene Toranious of Utah. “Other countries have culture. So why would we want to visit another country if our government is manufacturing policy over there? This makes no sense. If this goes through I’m moving to Canada. I hate foreign countries now.”
Still others are in favor.
Vanessa Cliqueon was all smiles. “Maybe I’ll get a tax break. I’m a world thinker. I think I should get a tax break.”
The bill is set to be voted on in the next day or two, depending on who has a date for Valentine’s Day.
Further investigation revealed President Trump is in final negotiations to acquire a hotel made with foreign steel. He plans to erect a wall around the house and then name it a combination of Trump House and The White House.
Early Tuesday he tweeted, “I think The Trite House is what I’ll call this new home for our government. It’s good. GOOD. I’M A GENIUS.”
WASHINGTON – Following another failed attempt at reaching any kind of agreement to end the government shutdown, two White House staff members (who wish to remain anonymous) consulted a New York casting agency (who also wishes to remain anonymous) in search of an actor who can act like a president.
“He stormed out of the room and then tweeted. People’s lives are at stake and he’s on his cell phone.”
The White House staff members then huddled in a corner and brainstormed.
“The idea came from a trip to the theater over the holidays. When we talked about the quality of the performances, we went down this rabbit hole of what it means to do a good job. We decided to do something drastic.”
The staff members are in discussions with congress to facilitate a casting session in the next week. There will be a script provided, but the right actor will need to be able to improvise, and deal with CNN.
“Our next option is to hire a preschool teacher to come and talk with the president and congress to explore what it means to listen.”
by Dan Plighter
WASHINGTON – Heading into a third week of partial government shutdown, US President and a newly diverse congress have released a report showing how much more efficient the government is when it is not working. At all.
The result? They’re shutting down permanently.
“It’s like a car that’s off. It uses less gas. You know? GREAT.”
Ensuring their own offspring has all they need for the rest of their lives, members of Congress siphoned remaining funds into their own investment accounts in a rare show of honesty. Previously, when corruption and negligence were marks against public servants, such greed was covert.
“It’s wonderful,” said a newly elected congressman. “I got into politics for a good retirement. Now it’s come so quickly. I really lucked out. I’m really glad I ran for Congress and won.”
Critics have pointed out that medical care, transportation, and well… most of the country will suffer without at least partial government help.
“That’s not our problem anymore,” responded another member of congress who requested anonymity. “The American people should have thought of that and won congressional seats themselves if they wanted the good life.”
Since the news broke of a complete and permanent shutdown, gun sales have soared. “Well there aren’t any pesky constitutional rights to argue about anymore,” said one salesman. “And I’m swimming in money anyway so I’m all set.”
Demonstrations took place in many major metropoliseseses. The main question in the air now seems to be: if we are not governed as the United States of America, then who are we?
by Dan Plighter