Roman Sculpture Authenticated

ANCIENT ROME – A sculpture going from a dusty attic to the centerpiece of the Uffizi Gallery in Florence sounds like a fairy tale. But a recent authentication of an ancient Roman statue has brought this fairy tale into living reality-ness.

Crowds gathered to view the newly restored bust. “To be clear, this is not a run-of-the-mill-piece of art,” said curator Bertolucci. “This clearly demonstrates a link between the ancient world and the new. Or relatively new. As you know, two thousand years was a long time ago. Much before the Ferrari.”

The link Bertolucci refers to is the often pondered gap of why the men who brought down Julius Caesar in a governmental blood bath were not immortalized in marble during their lifetimes for their other accomplishments.

“Busts of the famous figures were carved many years later, and augmenting their haircuts for everyone to think that’s how ancient Romans wore their hair. They had running water, but not scissors. Why such hair cuts? It makes no sense,” Bertolucci espoused. “However, these men, judge how you will of what they did to Caesar, they were accomplished Senators and Tribunes and the like in their lifetimes. Why not celebrate this?”

The recently authenticated statue is of Marcus Brutus, reportedly Caesar’s close ally. Found in an attic of an old house, the homeowners contacted the museum.

“It’s unique,” Nardo, the owner said. “I thought we should at least ask.”

Bertolucci glowed as he described the piece. “Interestingly enough, or not, is that Marcus was for Pompey, but when Pompey was killed he aligned himself with Caesar. But what is even more interesting is the action of Brutus in the statue. He is eating a barbecue sandwich.”

People gawked as they examined the statue. Indeed, Marcus Brutus is mid-bite of a large barbecue sandwich with coleslaw.

“I’ve always thought BBQ was an ancient tradition,” claimed a tourist from Memphis, Tennessee. “Now we have proof. But who is this Brutus guy?”

– Dan Plighter

After Millenia, Window Closes

SEA OF CORTEZ – Tensions in the Northern Hemisphere reached a new climax last week when the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean decided to meet no more.

The result?

The Arch of Cabo San Lucas, known to locals as the “Window” will undergo a permanent closing process. Erosion is slated to continue immediately.

However, a source who works near the Window was unable to say when it might close altogether. “It could be a while. I mean, it’s been open for a while. It could be a while. I mean… a while.”

It is unclear why the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean decided not to meet again. It throws into question the future of the tourist industry, which now seems murky.

“People sail down here. How are they going to get from the Sea to the Ocean, or the other way, if the two don’t meet no more?”

Many locals showed their remorse for the breakdown in relations by swimming, snorkeling, taking water taxis out to view sea lions basking on rocks and barking incessantly from their smelly perch, and just about anything else to distract themselves from the grief they felt.

“It’s a shame,” said one tourist. “That window was always so clean. You could like… see right through it… like it was open or something.”

by Dan Plighter