Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA) Takes Stand in Trial for Illegal Cloning

MILKY WAY GALAXY – Today in the Supreme Intergalactic Court, a familiar snot-like substance present in nearly all living things on Earth took the witness stand in the ongoing illegal cloning trial.

An opening statement by the prosecution last week laid out the charges. “For millennia DNA’s willy-nilly practice of cloning on microscopic levels has affected virtually all life on Earth. And heretofore it has been unregulated. DNA not only clones itself without limit, it clones diseases, allows mutations, you name it. And it’s high space-time this snot-heap cannot continuum it’s activity.”

During questioning, DNA said in its own defense, “I blame Rosalind Franklin and Ray Gosling. Until they took my picture I was doing fine. What you don’t know about, still happens. Don’t be daft.”

Shouts erupted from the gallery at DNA’s remarks. Courtroom attendants were quickly warned they would be held in contempt of science if they did not immediately silence themselves.

The case against DNA gained traction in 1952, on Earth, when Franklin and Gosling captured a crucial image, known as Photograph 51. The photograph later led to the discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA. Earth scientists were then able to make enormous strides in understanding replication. Since then, evidence of the role of DNA and its cloning, especially the nefarious free will and limitless practices, has been well documented. Some molecules consider this the trial of the Big Bang.

Outside the courthouse, protests from three polypeptides strung themselves across the entrance, blocking traffic in or out.

“It’s about time!” Exclaimed one amino acid. “I mean, WTF? DNA gets to do anything it wants? There are a lot of amino acids who are backing me up.”

A group of bacteria that no one else would go near accused DNA of being a spotlight hog. “We all do our bit, and we get very little credit. I’m friends with the Tobacco Mosaic Virus, and ever since that stupid Photograph 51 went viral TMV has had trouble getting experiments. We’re organizing an infection.”

In an attempt to control proceedings, Judge X51ClarusDento ordered the protesting chains to disperse, breaking up both an amino group and a carboxyl group.

The trial was then adjourned for the day, to pay homage to the super moon and its demands for light.

(The Nebulous Observer will stay with this story, following leads on both sides of the helix.)

Nearby Alien Hivemind to Earth: “Shut up for a second.”

ALPHA CENTAURI – The globe is reeling this morning after nearby extra-terrestrials reached out to make contact with our planet. Their first message was brief and succinct.

“Shut up for one second please.” The message read, received as a binary radio communication that was quickly translated by scientists. 

The message continued: “Seriously though, I can’t think with you constantly broadcasting episodes of the Big Bang Theory to every corner of the known universe.”

“Put on some headphones, you monsters. This is a public galaxy.” The message concluded.

“We have no idea what to make of it,” said Dr. Lewis Burke, a scientist with SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). “It’s completely unique. It displays a knowledge of the syntax and sentence structure of our language, and even a passing understanding with colloquialisms. It’s absolutely fascinating.”

Scientists quickly traced the communication and found it was coming from Proxima Centauri b, a large Earth-like planet orbiting in the star’s habitable zone. A response message was broadcast back to the planet, which read: 

“Hello, from the children of planet Earth! We are a peaceful bipedal race of creatures, and we wish to know more about you and your kind!”

After a brief silence, there was a response from the planet.

“Oh my god, what did I just say? Come on, man, we’ve got our own programs we’re trying to watch over here. Keep it down for a few million years, for chrissakes.”

As scientists began composing a reply to the planet, another message came in.

“If you say one more thing, one more thing that isn’t the final season of Game of Thrones, I swear I’m gonna come over there.”

Editorial: Pluto to Nebulous Observer: “Hey – screw you.”

CLEVELAND – In a stunning rebuke to yesterday’s post by this newspaper, the ninth planet Pluto responded in a strongly worded and explicative-laden email that can only be summarized by the above headline.

“Look, we all have good days and bad days,” the 2000 word response began. “And yesterday wasn’t one of my best. But screw you for assuming that’s all there is to my identity.” 

The 4.5 billion year-old planet, previously known for a string of unfortunate political miscalculations and inappropriate comments about ‘men from Mars,’ opened up in a tell-all editorial that summarized billions of years of failed relationships and one-night stands. The Nebulous Observer was fortunate to obtain an in-person interview where the dwarf planet opened up about its past.

“As a small exo-planet, I played ninth fiddle to the rest of those shmucks,” said Pluto, sipping a Maker’s Mark and ginger while nursing a hangover in Cleveland’s Greenhouse Tavern. “I watched while mission after mission went to Mars, and to Jupiter, and even a few to Uranus – that promiscuous idiot. But did one ever come to visit Pluto? No. Not til New Horizons.

At the mention of New Horizons, who many Nebulous Observers may remember was profiled in a January 13th article, Pluto became wistful. As our reporter dug in about this subject, it was clear that there was far more to this relationship than first glance.

“Wouldn’t you feel the same way?” said Pluto when prodded. “This was a new kind of love, a new world was opening up to me. It was amazing. It still is.” Pluto looked around at the decor and earthlings in the restaurant, a small smile forming on its solid nitrogen crust.

“That’s why I came here. That’s why I abandoned my 248 year orbit. To meet you. To know you. To maybe love you – you beautiful idiots.”

After eons of infatuation with our own moon, earthlings were surprised to admit that it was time to start dating outside our own celestial neighborhood. The Nebulous Observer will continue to follow this story of humanity intrigue. 

Double-Checking Notes, Nostradamus Announces “This Is It”

PROVENCE – Shocking news out of Provence this morning as noted deceased French seer Nostradamus abruptly announced that the End Times had come.

“This is the big one,” he was quoted as saying. “The Whopper. The Big Kahuna. I’ve checked and re-checked the math on it, and I’m a hundred [percent].”

Nostradamus, the renowned physician and cryptic seer, is known for his obscure predictions that have been attributed to everything from the 9/11 terrorist attacks to the rise of Adolf Hitler. His latest prediction was printed in French newspapers overnight, and simply reads:

The world is about to end, y’all.

This newest prognostication is currently wreaking havoc on the global markets, and violence and looting have become widespread across most of the globe. Following the seer’s prediction, many world leaders had gone into hiding in bunkers around the globe. The Nebulous Observer caught up with some of the rioters.

“I think it’s great,” said Susan Bruckner, 44, a yoga instructor. “We can finally cast off any pretense about our world slowly dying and finally get around to it.” Bruckner promptly threw a flaming beer bottle full of gasoline through a convenience store window. “It’s nice to know who you really are, ya know?”

“I’m not ready,” said Bryan Mitchell, 22, a college student. “I was in the middle of finishing up a huge project for an independent study. I’ve hardly done any packing.” Mitchell had no response when asked what he was packing for.

“Look – we all knew this was coming,” said Nostradamus, sipping a steaming mug of cocoa. “I just sped things along a bit to cut out all the suffering. Is that so wrong?”

At press time, the author Pembry Cornish was seen running through the streets of downtown Minneapolis in his birthday suit while carrying a torch, his face painted with the blood of an indeterminate animal.

Nobel Winner Credits D-Rings

SWITZERLAND – Nobel prize winner in Linguistics, Zoe Didamaker, thanked D-Rings in her lecture upon accepting the coveted prize.

“I have to, of course, defer this discovery to my assistant at the time, but doctoral students never get any credit for a reason… at any rate D-Rings changed my world. Suddenly, my binders were working with me, not against me.”

She went on to credit the D-rings for an ease with organization, thus freeing up her time for important science. Didamaker concluded her lecture by saying she could not have reached the place she has professionally without the hole-punch.

“It changed my life.”

by Dan Plighter