Surge in Subscribers Forces Journalistic Self-Destruction

NEBULOUS HEADQUARTERS – The Nebulous Observer has announced that they will be shuttering their doors due to a recent exponential surge in subscribers and readership.

“We’re really hot right now,” said Editor-in-Chief, and founder of the award dodging journal, Dan Plighter. “And because of our popularity, we simply cannot keep pace with satirical observations of our world. We will close our doors and let humanity satirize its own existence by… well, by making one stupid decision after another.”

Letters and emails and tweets and facebook messages and Marco Polos and Snap Chats and TikToks and messenger pigeons inundated the NO offices following the announcement Dan made in his living room, alone, with no one to hear him.

“I guess I must have published something,” he said from a tangle of charging cords nursing drained devices. “I’m not sure how our millions of adoring fans found out otherwise. An investigation is underway.”

Pembry Cornish, long time Culture and Political correspondent for the Nebulous Observer, was reached aboard his mega-yacht in Sydney Harbor.

“Oh, that little paper?” he chortled when asked for comment. “No no, I sold my shares in that venture when the getting was good. I write Rudy Giuliani’s press releases now, baby!” He raised his champagne flute in a toast, to which the crew of the RMS Petroshenko cheered.

Cornish leaned back in his seat, an olive tan handsomely contrasting the snow-white searsucker suit he was wearing.

“Sure, it’s soulless work, but that’s why I try to get as much Vitamin D as possible. Another four months here and then we’re off for Martinique. Please send Dan [Plighter] my best, won’t you?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway,” said Plighter. “What does?”

Robert Mueller to Public: “Did you not read my email?”

WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.

“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”

The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.

“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”

Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.

“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.

Nods around the room prompted him to go on.

“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”

Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.

This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.

Jesus to Christians: “What Part of My Story Made You Think I Like Crosses?”

EARTH – Jesus H. Christ arrived on Earth Sunday morning, deciding now was as good a time as any to judge the living and the dead and to at last bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. Before he could set any of that into motion, he passed by St. Luke’s Episcopal Church on the corner of Centerview and Broadhurst in Oakridge, Illinois.

“Wait a second,” said Jesus. “What is that? Is that me on a cross? What the hell, you guys.”

“What about ‘Do good unto others’ and ‘Clothe the poor, treat the sick, shelter the homeless’ made you think I wanted to be remembered like THAT?” He continued.

Jesus reportedly approached the pastor of St. Luke’s, Father Francis Evans, and instructed him approximately where he could shove that crucifix.

“I heard about all the other messed up stuff you’ve been doing in my name, and we’ll get started on that, but first things first: this crucifix nonsense.”

After the church’s crucifix was removed, the Son of God walked next door into the church’s small gift shop, where his jaw abruptly dropped.

“Jesus Christ…”

WWI Disowns Offspring

EARTH – By the end of the Great War in 1918, historians hypothesized the conflagration had given birth to Totalitarianism. Suffering economies had deadlocked reparations. Governments, bitter from sending millions of their own to die for reasons that proved “not very well thought through” were desperate to put the conflict behind them. Humans, being what they were, blamed the Great War.

“I was offended,” said the Great War in a statement. “So I’ve taken matters into my own hands.”

The first step was to change its name. With the outbreak of the second world war, the Great War has since been known as World War One.

And it rested easy in increasing anonymity.

“Europe hasn’t forgotten. But Americans practically don’t know me by now. They’re a forgetful lot. Is there an app for that?”

Unfortunately, Totalitarianism continued to rear its ugly head, consistently claiming WWI was its creator.

“That little brat spoiled everything,” said WWI. “But I am vindicated by the fact that 1939 wasn’t my problem. In fact, many of the same people who fought in my war headed up the next one. So, it was obviously them.”

In a bold move on Monday, World War One issued a statement, officially disowning Totalitarianism and claiming the rightful parents are…

“Humans. What other life form is stupid enough to think of something like that?”

~ by Dan Plighter

Mystery Bank Robber Tracked Down

ANCHORAGE – In the late summer and fall of 2018, a string of bank robberies in Anchorage, Alaska baffled law enforcement.

“There was no getaway vehicle. No sign of how the suspect managed to disappear. This went on for months.”

First the Northrim Bank was held up in late October of 2018. Then a Wells Fargo, almost a month later to the day. Finally in December, the Northern Skies Federal Credit Union was robbed. The characteristic tying the three establishments together? They were near the University of Alaska.

Justin Lambo, lead detective on the case divulged, “It was always around the same time. About 4 o’clock in the afternoon on a Thursday. The suspect, dressed in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt, and backpack, would enter the bank, take a good amount of cash with no fuss, and then… vanish. We don’t think the suspect was armed.”

Since December, investigators have kept a close watch on the financial institutions. To no avail.

Until Thursday.

A suspect in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt and backpack entered the Anchorage 5th 3rd 12th Bank, gathered cash from a teller, and then vanished.

Almost.

“We saw these tracks leading from the entrance to the bank to an apartment building. It was pretty easy after that.”

Around five in the evening, officials stormed the home of John D. Ilinger. Inside, was a pair of nordic skis, $20,000 in small bills stacked neatly on a coffee table, and a few rolls of quarters next to a jug of laundry detergent.

“At first we thought the suspect was clean, but then we pieced it together. The evidence fits.”

Mr. Illinger confessed to the robberies of the other banks last fall. He also confessed to being a sophomore at the University of Alaska.

“You think I’m going to take out loans?” Illinger said in a statement, leaning back in his chair in a posture of defiance for all institutions for all time.

Lambo said, “The suspect being a student explains the time, and how he vanished into the throng of students getting out of class. We think his getaway vehicle lat fall may have been a skateboard. Punk skateboarding hooligans. Who can tell them apart?”

When asked why he thought he could get away from a bank on nordic skis in the dead of winter, Illinger replied, “I trained for two months. I’m in good condition. But now I have a bad track record.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Yoga Class Thrown Into Chaos By Endless Loop of Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

PORTLAND – A Portland hot yoga class devolved into bedlam after the instructor’s phone got stuck playing Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers on repeat over the studio’s speakers.

“It was horrible,” said Natasha Lewis, 26, a regular at “Can’t Bikram? Join ‘Em!” a hot yoga studio in downtown Portland. “It completely threw off my prana.” (Nebulous Observer experts assure us that “prana” is a Hindu word for “life force.”)

Eyewitnesses report that just after the class began at 6:30, instructor Emma Walsh began playing the smooth and upbeat song by the Chili Peppers. After its first play-through, yoga practitioners were startled as the final gravelly notes of lead singer Anthony Kiedis were replaced by the familiar opening electric guitar picking of the same song.

“It felt like a joke at first,” said Paul Reisman, 45, a regular at the studio. “Or like a weird metaphor for focusing on repeating breath and movement. It turned out it was so much worse than that.”

After the second playthrough, yogis all around the room began looking at one another with concerned, sweaty, and pained faces. The instructor didn’t seem phased by second repetition of the song, and continued to instruct the class as though nothing was wrong.

“She just ignored it. ‘Warrior one, open to warrior two, now to reverse triangle.’ She just kept going.” said Reisman. 

“Somewhere near the sixth playthrough I experienced a blissful state of acceptance,” said Anjolie Watson. “It was my third eye center coming into alignment with this arduous, difficult process.” 

“Yes!” said Walsh, the instructor. “I mean yes! Yes, that was my plan all along, of course.”

The studio’s new “Red Hot Chili Peppers-Only class” will be held Wednesdays at 4:15 p.m.

Editorial: Pluto to Nebulous Observer: “Hey – screw you.”

CLEVELAND – In a stunning rebuke to yesterday’s post by this newspaper, the ninth planet Pluto responded in a strongly worded and explicative-laden email that can only be summarized by the above headline.

“Look, we all have good days and bad days,” the 2000 word response began. “And yesterday wasn’t one of my best. But screw you for assuming that’s all there is to my identity.” 

The 4.5 billion year-old planet, previously known for a string of unfortunate political miscalculations and inappropriate comments about ‘men from Mars,’ opened up in a tell-all editorial that summarized billions of years of failed relationships and one-night stands. The Nebulous Observer was fortunate to obtain an in-person interview where the dwarf planet opened up about its past.

“As a small exo-planet, I played ninth fiddle to the rest of those shmucks,” said Pluto, sipping a Maker’s Mark and ginger while nursing a hangover in Cleveland’s Greenhouse Tavern. “I watched while mission after mission went to Mars, and to Jupiter, and even a few to Uranus – that promiscuous idiot. But did one ever come to visit Pluto? No. Not til New Horizons.

At the mention of New Horizons, who many Nebulous Observers may remember was profiled in a January 13th article, Pluto became wistful. As our reporter dug in about this subject, it was clear that there was far more to this relationship than first glance.

“Wouldn’t you feel the same way?” said Pluto when prodded. “This was a new kind of love, a new world was opening up to me. It was amazing. It still is.” Pluto looked around at the decor and earthlings in the restaurant, a small smile forming on its solid nitrogen crust.

“That’s why I came here. That’s why I abandoned my 248 year orbit. To meet you. To know you. To maybe love you – you beautiful idiots.”

After eons of infatuation with our own moon, earthlings were surprised to admit that it was time to start dating outside our own celestial neighborhood. The Nebulous Observer will continue to follow this story of humanity intrigue. 

Disgruntled, Intoxicated Pluto Spotted Orbiting a Neon Sign

CLEVELAND – Astonished and drunk human residents of downtown Cleveland gathered on fourth street to gawk after the bars closed this past weekend. Near an entry to an underground parking garage, a disgruntled and intoxicated Pluto was singing old standards while dancing around a neon sign that said ‘Space Available.’

Pluto enjoyed an astronomical rise to fame in 1930 when it was discovered by Clyde Tombaugh, and deemed the ninth planet in our solar system. Some speculate the Beatles’ “Number 9” was an homage to the heavenly body.

However, following a series of ant-solar system remarks in the latter part of the century, combined with an inability to revolve around the sun in a timely manner (it was given sixty years worth of warnings) Pluto’s status as a planet was thrown into question.

“We had to define ‘planet,'” Clark Dumbar of the International Astronomical Union stated. “It was getting out of hand. All of sudden there were nine planets and it seemed like open enrollment. I was starting to lose count.”

The result came in 2006 with an official reclassification of Pluto from a ‘Planet’ to a ‘Dwarf Planet.’

Dumbar defended the decision. “To some it seems like we minimized Pluto’s importance. But that’s simply not true.”

A close by dwarf planet who wished to remain anonymous said, “Pluto wasn’t the same after that. It’s orbit was erratic. It went into retrograde once. It spent some time hanging out with asteroids. It even dated a comet.”

For some, the reclassification was fair. “Pluto should have never said that about our solar system.” (The Nebulous Observer, following strict ethical guidelines for publication, is unable to print Pluto’s remarks here.)

For others, the decision was nebulous.

Soon, the only known fans of Pluto were its five moons, who continue to orbit it today.

Mars, still coping with rover invasions from Earth, declined to comment.

Halley also had no comet.

~ by Dan Plighter

Young Man Takes Literature Literally

ST. LOUIS – A young man of eighteen read a book the other day. Then he headed west.

“It said,” he said, “Go west young man.”

Clarence Wesky packed up his things and hopped on a bus.

To Washington D.C.

“He was illiterate,” said a teacher of Clarence. He couldn’t spell eether.

by Dan Plighter

Football Fans Emerge from Hole in the Ground, Announce Six More Years of Tom Brady

ATLANTA – Football fans the world over surfaced from their darkened soundproof dens and man caves on Sunday to announce that the world would have to endure six more years of Tom Brady.

“We know it’s upsetting,” said football-prognosticator-in-chief Louis Stevens, 53, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. “But the result is clear. He won another Super Bowl and we’re just gonna have to deal with him for six more years.”

Stevens is referring to the planned retirement of Tom Brady, 41, the quarterback of the New England Patriots. After six Super Bowl championships, the head of the Patriots record-setting offense had announced that he would step down and retire. Those plans seem to be shifting after their big win over the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday.

“Shortly before 8:30 p.m., we heard the clarion call of the Horn of Football Prognosticators,” said Mitchell Dudas, 33, of Belmont, New York. “We sloughed off our oversized flannels and stained hoodies, and we donned the upstanding regalia of the Football Prognosticators.”

Following the Patriots victory, the Prognosticators wiped Doritos dust from their pants and held a press conference to announce that, after it all, it appears that Tom Brady will never retire. 

“We’re stuck with that white toast idiot,” said Frank Dearly, 71, of Burbank, California. “He’s gonna die on that field.”

At publishing time, the Prognosticators had returned to their cold empty man caves to await the start of the next football season.

Animal Rights Activists Aim for Fair Game

DOUGLAS COUNTY, WI – Hunters who were looking forward to preying on recently delisted predators in Northern Wisconsin were met with a surprise.

“Wisconsin’s Biggest Coyote Hunting Tournament” takes place each winter, where manly men who indulge in shooting animals – bobcats, coyotes, foxes, mountain lions, wolves, and other species for cash and prizes – gather in lemming-like crowds. These rugged folks, in tune with the outdoors and the natural rhythms of the wilderness, use high powered rifles set on tripods from insulated and heated blinds while drinking beer and cheap whiskey. They then stand around a heap of dead animals, take photos, and show them to their mothers.

Animal rights activists have long protested the practice with little result in policy change.

Now the tables have turned.

An anonymous source stated, “We’re working with puppeteers to create lifelike animals. We wait. When the puppets are shot at, we shoot back.”

The controversial tactic seems to work. No deaths have been reported. However, there has been a slew of phone calls to lawmakers from outraged (and sniveling) participants of the tournaments.

“What did I do? It’s not fair!” is a common phrase heard on the recordings.

Investigators have found abandoned blinds with the heat still on, often spilled food, valuable hunting equipment, all left behind in a hurry. They’re also finding trails of human feces leading from the blinds.

“These hunters are literally sh***ing themselves with fear.”

~ by Dan Plighter