United States Government Exports Itself

DUBAI – Fearing another government shutdown, Congress is taking a radical new step to keep the government functioning within a reasonable budget for the first time since the United States ratified its constitution.

The US government is exporting itself overseas.

Congressman Whacko, speaking from an undisclosed foreign land via Skype, stated, “Apple does it. They make great phones sometimes. Why can’t our government do it?  We could pay children less than a living wage to make US policy. Any kind of policy. And I’ll still have my bottle of hooch in the desk drawer.”

Some critics of the proposal are gobsmacked.

“We visit other countries to get away from this one,” said Gene Toranious of Utah. “Other countries have culture. So why would we want to visit another country if our government is manufacturing policy over there? This makes no sense. If this goes through I’m moving to Canada. I hate foreign countries now.”

Still others are in favor.

Vanessa Cliqueon was all smiles. “Maybe I’ll get a tax break. I’m a world thinker. I think I should get a tax break.”

The bill is set to be voted on in the next day or two, depending on who has a date for Valentine’s Day.

Further investigation revealed President Trump is in final negotiations to acquire a hotel made with foreign steel. He plans to erect a wall around the house and then name it a combination of Trump House and The White House.

Early Tuesday he tweeted, “I think The Trite House is what I’ll call this new home for our government. It’s good. GOOD. I’M A GENIUS.”

Animal Rights Activists Aim for Fair Game

DOUGLAS COUNTY, WI – Hunters who were looking forward to preying on recently delisted predators in Northern Wisconsin were met with a surprise.

“Wisconsin’s Biggest Coyote Hunting Tournament” takes place each winter, where manly men who indulge in shooting animals – bobcats, coyotes, foxes, mountain lions, wolves, and other species for cash and prizes – gather in lemming-like crowds. These rugged folks, in tune with the outdoors and the natural rhythms of the wilderness, use high powered rifles set on tripods from insulated and heated blinds while drinking beer and cheap whiskey. They then stand around a heap of dead animals, take photos, and show them to their mothers.

Animal rights activists have long protested the practice with little result in policy change.

Now the tables have turned.

An anonymous source stated, “We’re working with puppeteers to create lifelike animals. We wait. When the puppets are shot at, we shoot back.”

The controversial tactic seems to work. No deaths have been reported. However, there has been a slew of phone calls to lawmakers from outraged (and sniveling) participants of the tournaments.

“What did I do? It’s not fair!” is a common phrase heard on the recordings.

Investigators have found abandoned blinds with the heat still on, often spilled food, valuable hunting equipment, all left behind in a hurry. They’re also finding trails of human feces leading from the blinds.

“These hunters are literally sh***ing themselves with fear.”

~ by Dan Plighter