Editorial: Pluto to Nebulous Observer: “Hey – screw you.”

CLEVELAND – In a stunning rebuke to yesterday’s post by this newspaper, the ninth planet Pluto responded in a strongly worded and explicative-laden email that can only be summarized by the above headline.

“Look, we all have good days and bad days,” the 2000 word response began. “And yesterday wasn’t one of my best. But screw you for assuming that’s all there is to my identity.” 

The 4.5 billion year-old planet, previously known for a string of unfortunate political miscalculations and inappropriate comments about ‘men from Mars,’ opened up in a tell-all editorial that summarized billions of years of failed relationships and one-night stands. The Nebulous Observer was fortunate to obtain an in-person interview where the dwarf planet opened up about its past.

“As a small exo-planet, I played ninth fiddle to the rest of those shmucks,” said Pluto, sipping a Maker’s Mark and ginger while nursing a hangover in Cleveland’s Greenhouse Tavern. “I watched while mission after mission went to Mars, and to Jupiter, and even a few to Uranus – that promiscuous idiot. But did one ever come to visit Pluto? No. Not til New Horizons.

At the mention of New Horizons, who many Nebulous Observers may remember was profiled in a January 13th article, Pluto became wistful. As our reporter dug in about this subject, it was clear that there was far more to this relationship than first glance.

“Wouldn’t you feel the same way?” said Pluto when prodded. “This was a new kind of love, a new world was opening up to me. It was amazing. It still is.” Pluto looked around at the decor and earthlings in the restaurant, a small smile forming on its solid nitrogen crust.

“That’s why I came here. That’s why I abandoned my 248 year orbit. To meet you. To know you. To maybe love you – you beautiful idiots.”

After eons of infatuation with our own moon, earthlings were surprised to admit that it was time to start dating outside our own celestial neighborhood. The Nebulous Observer will continue to follow this story of humanity intrigue. 

Disgruntled, Intoxicated Pluto Spotted Orbiting a Neon Sign

CLEVELAND – Astonished and drunk human residents of downtown Cleveland gathered on fourth street to gawk after the bars closed this past weekend. Near an entry to an underground parking garage, a disgruntled and intoxicated Pluto was singing old standards while dancing around a neon sign that said ‘Space Available.’

Pluto enjoyed an astronomical rise to fame in 1930 when it was discovered by Clyde Tombaugh, and deemed the ninth planet in our solar system. Some speculate the Beatles’ “Number 9” was an homage to the heavenly body.

However, following a series of ant-solar system remarks in the latter part of the century, combined with an inability to revolve around the sun in a timely manner (it was given sixty years worth of warnings) Pluto’s status as a planet was thrown into question.

“We had to define ‘planet,'” Clark Dumbar of the International Astronomical Union stated. “It was getting out of hand. All of sudden there were nine planets and it seemed like open enrollment. I was starting to lose count.”

The result came in 2006 with an official reclassification of Pluto from a ‘Planet’ to a ‘Dwarf Planet.’

Dumbar defended the decision. “To some it seems like we minimized Pluto’s importance. But that’s simply not true.”

A close by dwarf planet who wished to remain anonymous said, “Pluto wasn’t the same after that. It’s orbit was erratic. It went into retrograde once. It spent some time hanging out with asteroids. It even dated a comet.”

For some, the reclassification was fair. “Pluto should have never said that about our solar system.” (The Nebulous Observer, following strict ethical guidelines for publication, is unable to print Pluto’s remarks here.)

For others, the decision was nebulous.

Soon, the only known fans of Pluto were its five moons, who continue to orbit it today.

Mars, still coping with rover invasions from Earth, declined to comment.

Halley also had no comet.

~ by Dan Plighter