WWI Disowns Offspring

EARTH – By the end of the Great War in 1918, historians hypothesized the conflagration had given birth to Totalitarianism. Suffering economies had deadlocked reparations. Governments, bitter from sending millions of their own to die for reasons that proved “not very well thought through” were desperate to put the conflict behind them. Humans, being what they were, blamed the Great War.

“I was offended,” said the Great War in a statement. “So I’ve taken matters into my own hands.”

The first step was to change its name. With the outbreak of the second world war, the Great War has since been known as World War One.

And it rested easy in increasing anonymity.

“Europe hasn’t forgotten. But Americans practically don’t know me by now. They’re a forgetful lot. Is there an app for that?”

Unfortunately, Totalitarianism continued to rear its ugly head, consistently claiming WWI was its creator.

“That little brat spoiled everything,” said WWI. “But I am vindicated by the fact that 1939 wasn’t my problem. In fact, many of the same people who fought in my war headed up the next one. So, it was obviously them.”

In a bold move on Monday, World War One issued a statement, officially disowning Totalitarianism and claiming the rightful parents are…

“Humans. What other life form is stupid enough to think of something like that?”

~ by Dan Plighter

Yoga Class Thrown Into Chaos By Endless Loop of Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

PORTLAND – A Portland hot yoga class devolved into bedlam after the instructor’s phone got stuck playing Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers on repeat over the studio’s speakers.

“It was horrible,” said Natasha Lewis, 26, a regular at “Can’t Bikram? Join ‘Em!” a hot yoga studio in downtown Portland. “It completely threw off my prana.” (Nebulous Observer experts assure us that “prana” is a Hindu word for “life force.”)

Eyewitnesses report that just after the class began at 6:30, instructor Emma Walsh began playing the smooth and upbeat song by the Chili Peppers. After its first play-through, yoga practitioners were startled as the final gravelly notes of lead singer Anthony Kiedis were replaced by the familiar opening electric guitar picking of the same song.

“It felt like a joke at first,” said Paul Reisman, 45, a regular at the studio. “Or like a weird metaphor for focusing on repeating breath and movement. It turned out it was so much worse than that.”

After the second playthrough, yogis all around the room began looking at one another with concerned, sweaty, and pained faces. The instructor didn’t seem phased by second repetition of the song, and continued to instruct the class as though nothing was wrong.

“She just ignored it. ‘Warrior one, open to warrior two, now to reverse triangle.’ She just kept going.” said Reisman. 

“Somewhere near the sixth playthrough I experienced a blissful state of acceptance,” said Anjolie Watson. “It was my third eye center coming into alignment with this arduous, difficult process.” 

“Yes!” said Walsh, the instructor. “I mean yes! Yes, that was my plan all along, of course.”

The studio’s new “Red Hot Chili Peppers-Only class” will be held Wednesdays at 4:15 p.m.

Young Man Takes Literature Literally

ST. LOUIS – A young man of eighteen read a book the other day. Then he headed west.

“It said,” he said, “Go west young man.”

Clarence Wesky packed up his things and hopped on a bus.

To Washington D.C.

“He was illiterate,” said a teacher of Clarence. He couldn’t spell eether.

by Dan Plighter