Tinder Date Goes Well, Nation in Shock

PROVIDENCE – A recent first date by a man and a woman who met on the dating app Tinder has sent shockwaves across the United States as both privately announced to their friends that they would, in fact, seek a second date.

The man, Jeremy Hill, 28, a graduate of Brown University with a degree in philosophy, cornered his older brother at a recent family member’s birthday party.

“He came up to me with this big smirk on his face,” said the brother, Damon Hill. “He took a sip from his Sam Adams and said, ‘Day, I met someone.'”

Elsewhere in the greater Providence area, the woman, Louisa Trepani, 30, a college admissions officer, made a quick phone call to her mother.

“Oh I am so happy she met someone nice,” said Maryanne Trepani. “It’s so hard for kids these days.”

The couple reportedly got drinks at Mulligan’s Tavern, a hip restaurant in downtown Providence. Eyewitnesses described their body language as ‘engaged, but not over-eager.’

“They each enjoyed a couple Sam Adams,” said bartender John Mullin.

Passersby outside the restaurant observed a goodbye that ended with an exchange of phone numbers and a passionate embrace.

This article is running simultaneously in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and the Providence Journal, and will be updated if the couple decides to seek a third date.

Local Man Boldly Quotes Jimmy Buffett on His Dating Profile

SEATTLE – Shock and disappointment rippled across the greater Seattle area this week at the discovery that a local man, Eddie Turner, 33, had changed his Tinder profile to include Jimmy Buffett lyrics.

“I was swiping at a coffeeshop,” said Taisha Lawrence, 29, “when I saw this guy come up. He was cute, kind of rugged, seemed like your typical Pacific Northwest hipster. Then I went to find out more info and…” Lawrence trailed off, staring into the middle distance with a mixture of horror and pity on her face.

“We all know Tinder isn’t perfect,” said another regular on the app, Maggie Reynolds, 32, “but this is a bridge too far. It’s an app to find people that you bond with, or want to have sex with, not for this kind of offensive garbage.”

The Nebulous Observer reached out to Tinder and its parent company Match Group, and they responded with a written statement:

It is the desire of Tinder and Match Group to bring people together using our algorithms and years of experience in the relationship industry, and that desire has normally led to a hands off approach with regards to what information can be published on a user’s profile. However, owing to the gravity of this situation, Tinder has reached out to Mr. Turner and his representatives for further clarification, and will decide how to proceed in the coming days.

As of publishing time, the Jimmy Buffett lyrics in question seemed to have been removed from Mr. Turner’s profile, but an investigation into the matter provided a lone snapshot of the four-line quote:

Pour me something tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve but I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Mr. Turner and his representatives declined a request for comment.

by Pembry Cornish