Robert Mueller to Public: “Did you not read my email?”

WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.

“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”

The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.

“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”

Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.

“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.

Nods around the room prompted him to go on.

“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”

Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.

This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.

Urban Outfitters to Begin Selling Guillotine for At-Home Beheadings

PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters, the popular clothing and lifestyle store among affluent and chic hipsters, is set to begin offering a life-size guillotine for purchase at all of its 245 stores across the globe.

“Urban Outfitters has long been at the forefront of re-imagining retro cultural mainstays,” said spokesperson Camille Howard. “One of our most popular items has long been our Crosley record players, which began a sort of renaissance of vinyl among today’s youth. We think this new retro offering by UO will be a big hit among the millennial age group.”

The guillotine, which measures a total of 7.5 feet tall and weighs approximately 175 pounds, is a snap to assemble, according to Howard.

“It comes in two equally weighted boxes for easy transport, and you can set it up in under an hour!” Howard exclaimed. “Once the weighted blade – or mouton – is carefully positioned in the grooves, you’re all set to begin executing your enemies!”

Pre-orders for the blade, which is being marketed as ‘The 21st Century Way to Eat the Rich’ are currently in the thousands.


Michael Cohen to House Committee: “I Swear to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Finger-Licking Truth, So Help Me God.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The long-anticipated testimony of Donald Trump’s former attorney and fixer began on Wednesday morning in the capitol as Cohen was sworn in on a menu from a local D.C. Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.

“It’s embarassing,” said Dawn Trumbull of the Capitol Records Department, “but it seems all of the existing Capitol bibles have been checked out to participate in the swearing in of other Trump White House officials currently on trial or testifying before congressional committees.” 

The realization struck the Records Department shortly before Cohen was to appear before Congress when the last Capitol bible was still checked out for the sentencing hearing of Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman.

“We panicked, there’s no doubt about that,” said Trumbull. “The only thing we had on hand were a couple of week-old Washington Posts, the IKEA instruction booklet for my new Ingüvarrr standing desk, and a bunch of takeout menus. Since most of us couldn’t understand the instruction booklet, we went with the takeout menus.”

“The decision then became about which one to use,” said Deputy Administrator Rick Burly. “We believed the P.F. Chang menu sent the wrong message about diversity and inclusion in the United States, and that a Cheesecake Factory menu would seem too flippant and trite. The choice to send the KFC Menu reflects – we believe – the seriousness of intent and demeanor with which the Colonel protects his 11 herbs and spices. It is the perfect symbol to the American people that this witness is prepared to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

Shortly after his testimony began, Mr. Cohen could be seen calling the number on the front of the menu to place an order. There is no word yet on whether he is a wing or thigh person.

White House Declares National Emergency to Figure Out Who Turned Up the Thermostat

WASHINGTON – The world of Washington politics erupted in shock and outrage on Sunday as the White House declared a national emergency to determine who adjusted the thermostat from 64 to 68 degrees.

“The American people have a right to know who thinks this country is made of money,” said one White House spokesperson. “And when we get to the bottom of this we are going to have a strong conversation about the priorities of this nation.”

Senators and congressional representatives were being rushed from room to room at the Capitol early Monday morning as discussions began about the legality of such a declaration and the ramifications it will have on executive privilege.

“It’s our god-given right to live in a country where we don’t have to wear a sweater and shoes inside,” said Democratic Representative Celia Turnbill. “And this sets a dangerous precedent that the executive branch has license to make any and all decisions about what’s best for this family.”

“The deficit has exploded over the past several years,” began the White House spokesperson. “And the only real solution is to pinch and save where and when we can. We’re going to figure out who went behind this President’s back and they will be punished accordingly.”

At press time, it was revealed that the thermostat was not turned up, but the change in temperature was, in fact, due to global climate change. The White House did not respond to a request for comment.

Football Fans Emerge from Hole in the Ground, Announce Six More Years of Tom Brady

ATLANTA – Football fans the world over surfaced from their darkened soundproof dens and man caves on Sunday to announce that the world would have to endure six more years of Tom Brady.

“We know it’s upsetting,” said football-prognosticator-in-chief Louis Stevens, 53, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. “But the result is clear. He won another Super Bowl and we’re just gonna have to deal with him for six more years.”

Stevens is referring to the planned retirement of Tom Brady, 41, the quarterback of the New England Patriots. After six Super Bowl championships, the head of the Patriots record-setting offense had announced that he would step down and retire. Those plans seem to be shifting after their big win over the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday.

“Shortly before 8:30 p.m., we heard the clarion call of the Horn of Football Prognosticators,” said Mitchell Dudas, 33, of Belmont, New York. “We sloughed off our oversized flannels and stained hoodies, and we donned the upstanding regalia of the Football Prognosticators.”

Following the Patriots victory, the Prognosticators wiped Doritos dust from their pants and held a press conference to announce that, after it all, it appears that Tom Brady will never retire. 

“We’re stuck with that white toast idiot,” said Frank Dearly, 71, of Burbank, California. “He’s gonna die on that field.”

At publishing time, the Prognosticators had returned to their cold empty man caves to await the start of the next football season.

Buzzfeed News Announces New Subscription Service

NEW YORK – Buzzfeed News, the reporting wing of the popular internet website known for listicles, quizzes, and other pop culture articles announced this week that they would be rolling out a new subscription service.

“Well, right now we’re calling it ‘News at Your Door’, and we’re thrilled to bring it to a select group of cities beginning in Spring of 2019, and hopefully to a larger market by the end of the year.” said Buzzfeed News spokesperson Emily Richfield.

The new subscription service offers customers a paper copy of Buzzfeed News’ daily digest of articles, organized onto a recyclable black-and-white bifold sheet delivered every morning to the customer’s front door.

“In a world where organizations are expanding more and more into the mobile and desktop markets, Buzzfeed News is doing something radical: they’re expanding into a physical market. This is a game-changer.” said Hailey Steenberg, an editor with the Washington Post.

As part of this reporting, Buzzfeed News sent us a beta copy of their ‘news at your door’ service. The test copy was folded neatly into thirds, and was stuffed into a waterproof poly-vinyl bag. As we opened it, we were greeted by a large headline detailing the recent re-opening of the government along with a color photo of the president with congressional leaders. The beta copy had several articles which began on the front page, but quickly re-directed us deeper into the bifold to continue reading.

As they develop, Buzzfeed has said they are looking forward to feedback from their customers about the branding and naming of the service. “We’re workshopping ideas for the full roll-out,” said Richfield. “Some options we’ve beent testing are Buzzfeed IRL (an acronym which stands for ‘in real life’), Buzzfeed Home, and Buzzfeed for You. Our real favorite though, is simple: Paper News.”

Meteorologist Fired for Drawing Storms

EVANSVILLE – A formerly well liked meteorologist, Patrick Cirrus, was fired last week from Channel 3 News for rogue broadcasting behavior. He was caught on tape drawing clouds on maps to warn locals of severe storms when there were no such weather systems moving in. It was his twelfth offense.

“I thought there were tornadoes or ice storms for the last week,” said one resident. “That guy kept drawing squiggly lines all over the place and yelling, ‘Get beans and take cover!'”

This is the most recent action taken by executives of the parent company, StarCast, that bought the small affiliate in September of 2018.

StarCast executive Red Rurner stated, “We’re cleaning house and raising the bar. We’re taking out the bar and putting in more news desks. It’s a quality thing.”

Before StarCast acquired Channel 3 News, the small affiliate in southern Indiana had the nickname Channel 3 Snooze due to low ratings and laughable news content while neglecting important issues such as presidential elections or wars.

One resident felt duped. “We didn’t even know there was an election until we were at a friend’s house a couple months later. Trump was on TV and I said to my friend, ‘I thought they cancelled his reality show.’ My friend looked at me and then said I couldn’t have another beer.”

Before selling out, and in an effort to boost ratings and become more popular, Channel 3 News hired models to present stories. Many of whom had no experience in journalism.

Former station manager Clark D. Umpto defended the decision. “That’s what all the big networks are doing. I think they clone them in a warehouse. It’s what our station was all about… uncovering that conspiracy. I mean, have you seen people who look like that?”

However, since StarCast purchased Channel 3 News, the effort to improve the quality of their broadcast journalism has been tangible. Some report there are even discussions to hire unbiased reporters.

“The whole community can sense it,” said resident, Joe. “They did a story about another country the other day. I can’t remember which country, but it wasn’t the US of A.”

Red Rurner commented on Patrick’s termination. “[Patrick] was a good employee. For a while. But then he went rogue. It can happen with meteorologists. I mean, they have their heads in the clouds.”

Incidentally, a freak tornado swept through Evansville yesterday, taking out two trees and an entire ice sculpture of a goose.

Channel 3 News had no comment.

by Dan Plighter