After Years of Trying to Fix the Subway, Mayor de Blasio to Give Up, Run for President Instead

NEW YORK – New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced on Wednesday that he would join the crowded field of Democrats seeking the 2020 Presidential nomination, after finally giving up trying to repair the aging New York City transit system.

“He just threw his hands up in a meeting with (New York City Transit President) Andy Byford and said ‘That’s it, it’s impossible.,'” mayoral aide Stephanie Howland said. “And he just walked out of the room.”

The mayor’s aides sought to follow him back to his office after his outburst, but the two-term mayor had already barricaded himself inside, launching into a diatribe that could be heard clearly from the hallway.

“‘It’ll never get fixed. Never! We’ve tried everything and nothing’s working,'” one aide quoted from de Blasio’s tirade. The aide went on: “He said, ‘I might as well quit and run for president with how this **** is going.'”

The mayor’s outburst, which included flinging papers and overturning chairs abruptly stopped. The door to his office flew open and he yelled to his staffers outside.

“Get in here, I’ve got an idea.” he said to the crowded group outside the door.

Mayor de Blasio should have no trouble repairing a crumbling, 250 year-old republic of 350 million people after his feeble attempts at fixing a few 100 year-old broken trains.

Recluse Moves to Big City and Loses Friends

NEW YORK – Shawn Kleg has lived in a remote part of the Idaho wilderness for over forty years. In that time he has grown and hunted his own food, fashioned his own clothes and shelter. He even made his own guns.

“I learned how to bore out steel rods. I used musket balls from the shavings. When I killed something, I’d reuse it. Everything took a while, but I had nothing but time.”

Kleg considers himself a philosopher.

“If there’s a thing to think about, I’ve thought about it. I had the time. And I had plenty of friends.”

Kleg then did the unexpected. He moved to New York City.

“I’ve thought about Manhattan for almost forty years. I figured it was time to give that lifestyle a trial run.”

He packed up his things, both of them, and hiked down to Boise where he caught a bus. As he traveled he noticed how things have changed since the late seventies when he ventured away from society and towards the wild.

“For one thing, people have their faces buried in their palms. I finally figured out those were phones. Of course, in the seventies we were all doing ‘ludes, so I guess this is the new drug.”

Over a seventeen day bus ride (due to delays and rerouting, and the generally slow progress of bus travel) Kleg arrived in the Big Apple. He has been staying in a hostel for the last week while he looks at apartments.

“I haven’t touched my investments I made since I walked off the pavement and never looked back. The last thing I did was buy some stock in a startup called Microsoft. I guess they did pretty well.”

Kleg’s biggest adjustment, however, has been isolation.

“There’s no one to talk to in New York. I don’t know how long I’ll stay.”

~ Dan Plighter