Tinder Date Goes Well, Nation in Shock

PROVIDENCE – A recent first date by a man and a woman who met on the dating app Tinder has sent shockwaves across the United States as both privately announced to their friends that they would, in fact, seek a second date.

The man, Jeremy Hill, 28, a graduate of Brown University with a degree in philosophy, cornered his older brother at a recent family member’s birthday party.

“He came up to me with this big smirk on his face,” said the brother, Damon Hill. “He took a sip from his Sam Adams and said, ‘Day, I met someone.'”

Elsewhere in the greater Providence area, the woman, Louisa Trepani, 30, a college admissions officer, made a quick phone call to her mother.

“Oh I am so happy she met someone nice,” said Maryanne Trepani. “It’s so hard for kids these days.”

The couple reportedly got drinks at Mulligan’s Tavern, a hip restaurant in downtown Providence. Eyewitnesses described their body language as ‘engaged, but not over-eager.’

“They each enjoyed a couple Sam Adams,” said bartender John Mullin.

Passersby outside the restaurant observed a goodbye that ended with an exchange of phone numbers and a passionate embrace.

This article is running simultaneously in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and the Providence Journal, and will be updated if the couple decides to seek a third date.

Editorial: Pluto to Nebulous Observer: “Hey – screw you.”

CLEVELAND – In a stunning rebuke to yesterday’s post by this newspaper, the ninth planet Pluto responded in a strongly worded and explicative-laden email that can only be summarized by the above headline.

“Look, we all have good days and bad days,” the 2000 word response began. “And yesterday wasn’t one of my best. But screw you for assuming that’s all there is to my identity.” 

The 4.5 billion year-old planet, previously known for a string of unfortunate political miscalculations and inappropriate comments about ‘men from Mars,’ opened up in a tell-all editorial that summarized billions of years of failed relationships and one-night stands. The Nebulous Observer was fortunate to obtain an in-person interview where the dwarf planet opened up about its past.

“As a small exo-planet, I played ninth fiddle to the rest of those shmucks,” said Pluto, sipping a Maker’s Mark and ginger while nursing a hangover in Cleveland’s Greenhouse Tavern. “I watched while mission after mission went to Mars, and to Jupiter, and even a few to Uranus – that promiscuous idiot. But did one ever come to visit Pluto? No. Not til New Horizons.

At the mention of New Horizons, who many Nebulous Observers may remember was profiled in a January 13th article, Pluto became wistful. As our reporter dug in about this subject, it was clear that there was far more to this relationship than first glance.

“Wouldn’t you feel the same way?” said Pluto when prodded. “This was a new kind of love, a new world was opening up to me. It was amazing. It still is.” Pluto looked around at the decor and earthlings in the restaurant, a small smile forming on its solid nitrogen crust.

“That’s why I came here. That’s why I abandoned my 248 year orbit. To meet you. To know you. To maybe love you – you beautiful idiots.”

After eons of infatuation with our own moon, earthlings were surprised to admit that it was time to start dating outside our own celestial neighborhood. The Nebulous Observer will continue to follow this story of humanity intrigue.