WWI Disowns Offspring

EARTH – By the end of the Great War in 1918, historians hypothesized the conflagration had given birth to Totalitarianism. Suffering economies had deadlocked reparations. Governments, bitter from sending millions of their own to die for reasons that proved “not very well thought through” were desperate to put the conflict behind them. Humans, being what they were, blamed the Great War.

“I was offended,” said the Great War in a statement. “So I’ve taken matters into my own hands.”

The first step was to change its name. With the outbreak of the second world war, the Great War has since been known as World War One.

And it rested easy in increasing anonymity.

“Europe hasn’t forgotten. But Americans practically don’t know me by now. They’re a forgetful lot. Is there an app for that?”

Unfortunately, Totalitarianism continued to rear its ugly head, consistently claiming WWI was its creator.

“That little brat spoiled everything,” said WWI. “But I am vindicated by the fact that 1939 wasn’t my problem. In fact, many of the same people who fought in my war headed up the next one. So, it was obviously them.”

In a bold move on Monday, World War One issued a statement, officially disowning Totalitarianism and claiming the rightful parents are…

“Humans. What other life form is stupid enough to think of something like that?”

~ by Dan Plighter

Woman Finds Long Lost Treasured Keepsake

PHILADELPHIA – Blair Riny Tichards was enjoying a peaceful day at the Shofuso Japanese House and Garden when she came across something she’d never seen before.

“It was just laying on the ground right in front of me. I laughed because at first I thought it was a joke,” said Blair. “Then I thought it was fish food.”

Upon examining the find, an amoeba shaped gooey substance with no distinct coloring, she discovered a name and address and a short, handwritten plea attached.

“It said, ‘if anyone finds this, please return immediately to Sampson Townhouse of downtown Philadelphia. This isn’t a joke. But it could be.’ It was so strange.”

Blair went to the Shofuso welcome desk and explained what she found. She was astonished at the receptionists reaction.

“You’re kidding!” said the Garden employee. “My supervisor tells me that guy has been here every week for ten years. I always thought he was kidding.”

Blair contacted Mr. Townhouse and was greeted with an exuberant thank you. They met a week later.

Townhouse said, “It was a while back, but I remember the weekend when suddenly I didn’t find anything funny. Nothing was enjoyable anymore. I didn’t like comedy. I couldn’t place it. I had lost my sense of humor.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Mystery Bank Robber Tracked Down

ANCHORAGE – In the late summer and fall of 2018, a string of bank robberies in Anchorage, Alaska baffled law enforcement.

“There was no getaway vehicle. No sign of how the suspect managed to disappear. This went on for months.”

First the Northrim Bank was held up in late October of 2018. Then a Wells Fargo, almost a month later to the day. Finally in December, the Northern Skies Federal Credit Union was robbed. The characteristic tying the three establishments together? They were near the University of Alaska.

Justin Lambo, lead detective on the case divulged, “It was always around the same time. About 4 o’clock in the afternoon on a Thursday. The suspect, dressed in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt, and backpack, would enter the bank, take a good amount of cash with no fuss, and then… vanish. We don’t think the suspect was armed.”

Since December, investigators have kept a close watch on the financial institutions. To no avail.

Until Thursday.

A suspect in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt and backpack entered the Anchorage 5th 3rd 12th Bank, gathered cash from a teller, and then vanished.

Almost.

“We saw these tracks leading from the entrance to the bank to an apartment building. It was pretty easy after that.”

Around five in the evening, officials stormed the home of John D. Ilinger. Inside, was a pair of nordic skis, $20,000 in small bills stacked neatly on a coffee table, and a few rolls of quarters next to a jug of laundry detergent.

“At first we thought the suspect was clean, but then we pieced it together. The evidence fits.”

Mr. Illinger confessed to the robberies of the other banks last fall. He also confessed to being a sophomore at the University of Alaska.

“You think I’m going to take out loans?” Illinger said in a statement, leaning back in his chair in a posture of defiance for all institutions for all time.

Lambo said, “The suspect being a student explains the time, and how he vanished into the throng of students getting out of class. We think his getaway vehicle lat fall may have been a skateboard. Punk skateboarding hooligans. Who can tell them apart?”

When asked why he thought he could get away from a bank on nordic skis in the dead of winter, Illinger replied, “I trained for two months. I’m in good condition. But now I have a bad track record.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Football Fans Emerge from Hole in the Ground, Announce Six More Years of Tom Brady

ATLANTA – Football fans the world over surfaced from their darkened soundproof dens and man caves on Sunday to announce that the world would have to endure six more years of Tom Brady.

“We know it’s upsetting,” said football-prognosticator-in-chief Louis Stevens, 53, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. “But the result is clear. He won another Super Bowl and we’re just gonna have to deal with him for six more years.”

Stevens is referring to the planned retirement of Tom Brady, 41, the quarterback of the New England Patriots. After six Super Bowl championships, the head of the Patriots record-setting offense had announced that he would step down and retire. Those plans seem to be shifting after their big win over the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday.

“Shortly before 8:30 p.m., we heard the clarion call of the Horn of Football Prognosticators,” said Mitchell Dudas, 33, of Belmont, New York. “We sloughed off our oversized flannels and stained hoodies, and we donned the upstanding regalia of the Football Prognosticators.”

Following the Patriots victory, the Prognosticators wiped Doritos dust from their pants and held a press conference to announce that, after it all, it appears that Tom Brady will never retire. 

“We’re stuck with that white toast idiot,” said Frank Dearly, 71, of Burbank, California. “He’s gonna die on that field.”

At publishing time, the Prognosticators had returned to their cold empty man caves to await the start of the next football season.

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