Foley Artist Exposé Rocks Hollywood

HOLLYWOOD – For as long as films have had sound, foley artists have had jobs. But that may change for Artie Poundcake, one of the most respected and well known foley artists amongst the glitz and glamour of tinsel town.

Then again, Poundcake may not need one.

His new book, Gishhhhewwiickkslpop, is smashing its way to the top of the New York Times Best Seller list.

Poundcake grew up on Ventura Boulevard, just east of where the vampires of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin” move west. While his mother worked three jobs to pay rent, Poundcake was often left to his own devices for entertainment.

“There I was in the middle of one of the centers of the entertainment business, and my TV didn’t even have a speaker.”

Poundcake began to create sound effects and dialogue for the shows he watched. By the time he graduated high school, George Lucas had seen a demo reel of Poundcake’s work. The rest, as they say, is history.

“He was a prodigy,” said George Lucas. “I immediately built a wing for him at Lucas Ranch.”

And now Poundcake has told all in his exposé.

“What a lot of people don’t know is I make all the sounds with my mouth,” he says. “I don’t use real objects. That’s for amateurs.”

And in the book, he spells them phonetically.

“I want to inspire kids in this day of digital everything that they can do a lot with nothing. Also, they can do nothing with all they have. It’s their choice.”

A few examples from his book:

RRRREETTCHDHEEEKKK is a compulsory tire squeal in chase sequences (even on dirt roads, for idiot editors.)

PERHHHHc has been used in hand to hand combat for every John Wayne film ever made.

SLSSIEIEPLLSLSLLSCJNBBBB is a simple one used for footsteps on gravel.

However, some studio executives are protesting loudly from their large ranches, punching the air with the hand that isn’t holding a dirty martini.

“He shouldn’t have pulled the curtain,” said the head of Trixar. “It’s like a magician giving away the secrets of the illusion.”

“This doesn’t sound like a good idea,” said Clark Tarke, executive of Marapount. (To be fair, Tark may have been referring to the idea of a clean martini.)

Other foley artists have also voiced their concerns.

“BoinkkkUUULLLUPPP,” said one veteran.

“CHCKEKEKEIJJJEANNVE,” said another, through tears.

In his own defense, Poundcake said, “I’ve always made waves. I guess this is just the next cycle.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Mystery Bank Robber Tracked Down

ANCHORAGE – In the late summer and fall of 2018, a string of bank robberies in Anchorage, Alaska baffled law enforcement.

“There was no getaway vehicle. No sign of how the suspect managed to disappear. This went on for months.”

First the Northrim Bank was held up in late October of 2018. Then a Wells Fargo, almost a month later to the day. Finally in December, the Northern Skies Federal Credit Union was robbed. The characteristic tying the three establishments together? They were near the University of Alaska.

Justin Lambo, lead detective on the case divulged, “It was always around the same time. About 4 o’clock in the afternoon on a Thursday. The suspect, dressed in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt, and backpack, would enter the bank, take a good amount of cash with no fuss, and then… vanish. We don’t think the suspect was armed.”

Since December, investigators have kept a close watch on the financial institutions. To no avail.

Until Thursday.

A suspect in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt and backpack entered the Anchorage 5th 3rd 12th Bank, gathered cash from a teller, and then vanished.

Almost.

“We saw these tracks leading from the entrance to the bank to an apartment building. It was pretty easy after that.”

Around five in the evening, officials stormed the home of John D. Ilinger. Inside, was a pair of nordic skis, $20,000 in small bills stacked neatly on a coffee table, and a few rolls of quarters next to a jug of laundry detergent.

“At first we thought the suspect was clean, but then we pieced it together. The evidence fits.”

Mr. Illinger confessed to the robberies of the other banks last fall. He also confessed to being a sophomore at the University of Alaska.

“You think I’m going to take out loans?” Illinger said in a statement, leaning back in his chair in a posture of defiance for all institutions for all time.

Lambo said, “The suspect being a student explains the time, and how he vanished into the throng of students getting out of class. We think his getaway vehicle lat fall may have been a skateboard. Punk skateboarding hooligans. Who can tell them apart?”

When asked why he thought he could get away from a bank on nordic skis in the dead of winter, Illinger replied, “I trained for two months. I’m in good condition. But now I have a bad track record.”

~ by Dan Plighter