United States Government Exports Itself

DUBAI – Fearing another government shutdown, Congress is taking a radical new step to keep the government functioning within a reasonable budget for the first time since the United States ratified its constitution.

The US government is exporting itself overseas.

Congressman Whacko, speaking from an undisclosed foreign land via Skype, stated, “Apple does it. They make great phones sometimes. Why can’t our government do it?  We could pay children less than a living wage to make US policy. Any kind of policy. And I’ll still have my bottle of hooch in the desk drawer.”

Some critics of the proposal are gobsmacked.

“We visit other countries to get away from this one,” said Gene Toranious of Utah. “Other countries have culture. So why would we want to visit another country if our government is manufacturing policy over there? This makes no sense. If this goes through I’m moving to Canada. I hate foreign countries now.”

Still others are in favor.

Vanessa Cliqueon was all smiles. “Maybe I’ll get a tax break. I’m a world thinker. I think I should get a tax break.”

The bill is set to be voted on in the next day or two, depending on who has a date for Valentine’s Day.

Further investigation revealed President Trump is in final negotiations to acquire a hotel made with foreign steel. He plans to erect a wall around the house and then name it a combination of Trump House and The White House.

Early Tuesday he tweeted, “I think The Trite House is what I’ll call this new home for our government. It’s good. GOOD. I’M A GENIUS.”

Interior Designer Receives Praise for Harsh, Minimalist Style

BERGEN – A Norwegian interior designer has been making headlines all over Europe with a bold new take on minimalist home decoration.

“It’s quite simple,” said Olena Svenson, the 26 year-old designer making waves in her home city of Bergen, Norway. “We remove all adornments, every functional piece of furniture, all appliances, everything. It’s minimalism – the way minimalism is supposed to be.”

Reporters from The Nebulous Observer were treated to a tour of several upscale apartments the young firebrand had recently completed, led by Bergen real estate developer Michael Olsen.

“What’s most striking about these units,” Mr. Olsen remarked, his voice echoing off the tastefully painted walls, “is their complete emptiness. There is nothing. No furniture. No chairs, no bed, nothing.”

As we entered the apartment, we were treated to a long, austere hallway that opened out into a spacious white room filled with sunlight. The light filtered in through pristine glass windows overlooking downtown Bergen. Two adjoining rooms were similarly decorated, painted in a modest white hue developed by Svenson herself that Olsen informed us was known as ‘Cadbury cream’.

“We had a lot of challenges providing for some of the more exciting engineering aspects of Ms. Svenson’s design,” remarked Olsen, leaning against one of the bare walls. “Removing the electrical wiring for the lights and outlets was a particular challenge. And the de-installation of the apartment’s water and sewage hook-ups set us back a few months.”

The unit we were standing in, known as the Circadian Suite, gets natural sunlight for just over six hours every day in December, Bergen’s darkest month. The other eighteen hours, we were informed, the apartment is entirely dark, promoting the body’s natural circadian rhythm.

The waitlist for the units in this building alone is in the hundreds, with the first apartments becoming occupied next month.

One of the lucky first tenants, Egil and Gunda Rasmussen, expressed their excitement to our Nebulous Observer correspondent. “We’ve thrown all of our possessions away already. We cannot wait.”

One bedroom units in this building are renting for 34,000 krone, the equivalent to $4,000 USD.

by Pembry Cornish