Robert Mueller to Public: “Did you not read my email?”

WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.

“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”

The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.

“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”

Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.

“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.

Nods around the room prompted him to go on.

“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”

Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.

This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.

Congressman Lowers Expectations

WASHINGTON – Waves rippled through Capitol Hill Wednesday evening when a Soundcloud track of a freshman democratic congressman exposed what was perceived as the politician’s unvarnished strategy. The quote was recorded at a popular, if overly priced, restaurant. The quote, in its entirety, is as follows:

“I’m lowering my expectations. I mean, low. So low that I might flush them. In fact, as soon as I’m done explaining myself I’m going to the toilet to flush them because that’s how  low they’re going. Down the old tubes. Down, down… down down, around in a swirl and down further. Crocodiles can eat my expectations. You know, the crocodiles in the sewer that everyone is scared of? Well, they’re real. Did I ever tell you that time I was a kid and ventured into a big drainage ditch like a quarter mile or something and saw man holes overhead and they were filled with cockroaches? That happened. That was never unearthed during my campaign which shows you how thorough those press people really are, but it happened. I saw cockroaches under manhole covers. Talk about an iron ceiling. Anyway, that’s where my expectations are going. Down there. Cockroaches will look down on my expectations. And then it will all be easier.”

The unknown dining partner asked, “do you mean… expectations that you’ll get to read the Mueller report? Or the next two years of this administration?”

The congressman replied, “I meant for the steak I ordered. What are you talking about?”

The Nebulous Observer, along with all major news organizations of the world, past and present, has been asked to help to identify the identity of the congressman, as well as how he ordered his steak.

~ by Dan Plighter

Michael Cohen to House Committee: “I Swear to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Finger-Licking Truth, So Help Me God.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The long-anticipated testimony of Donald Trump’s former attorney and fixer began on Wednesday morning in the capitol as Cohen was sworn in on a menu from a local D.C. Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.

“It’s embarassing,” said Dawn Trumbull of the Capitol Records Department, “but it seems all of the existing Capitol bibles have been checked out to participate in the swearing in of other Trump White House officials currently on trial or testifying before congressional committees.” 

The realization struck the Records Department shortly before Cohen was to appear before Congress when the last Capitol bible was still checked out for the sentencing hearing of Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman.

“We panicked, there’s no doubt about that,” said Trumbull. “The only thing we had on hand were a couple of week-old Washington Posts, the IKEA instruction booklet for my new Ingüvarrr standing desk, and a bunch of takeout menus. Since most of us couldn’t understand the instruction booklet, we went with the takeout menus.”

“The decision then became about which one to use,” said Deputy Administrator Rick Burly. “We believed the P.F. Chang menu sent the wrong message about diversity and inclusion in the United States, and that a Cheesecake Factory menu would seem too flippant and trite. The choice to send the KFC Menu reflects – we believe – the seriousness of intent and demeanor with which the Colonel protects his 11 herbs and spices. It is the perfect symbol to the American people that this witness is prepared to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

Shortly after his testimony began, Mr. Cohen could be seen calling the number on the front of the menu to place an order. There is no word yet on whether he is a wing or thigh person.