County Celebrates the Fourth on the Fifth, or Some Other Time

WISCONSIN – As each village competes to bring tourists to their trappings, Door County of Wisconsin managed to skip this year’s celebration of the 4th of July.

“We celebrate it on different days. It allows people to spend more money and drink more in different villages,” said an advocate and anonymous village board member. “We like that.”

Each village plans their own parade and activities.

“We do ours on the 3rd,” said a representative of Egg Harbor.

“Ours is on the 5th,” reported Sister Bay.

“Our village is too poor to do fireworks,” lamented Juddville.

As the NO dug further, it turned out no one organized fireworks displays for the 4th. The common answer to the question was ‘we thought someone else was doing that.’

That did not stop residents from setting fire to the noisemakers and light makers, however.

“We do fireworks all friggin’ week because I pay for this house that’s why,” stated a man who visits his property one week per year.

The small village of Valmy, however, said they are planning for an August 4th celebration of July 4th.

“It has the same number. I think people will like that.”

-Dan Plighter

Nearby Alien Hivemind to Earth: “Shut up for a second.”

ALPHA CENTAURI – The globe is reeling this morning after nearby extra-terrestrials reached out to make contact with our planet. Their first message was brief and succinct.

“Shut up for one second please.” The message read, received as a binary radio communication that was quickly translated by scientists. 

The message continued: “Seriously though, I can’t think with you constantly broadcasting episodes of the Big Bang Theory to every corner of the known universe.”

“Put on some headphones, you monsters. This is a public galaxy.” The message concluded.

“We have no idea what to make of it,” said Dr. Lewis Burke, a scientist with SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). “It’s completely unique. It displays a knowledge of the syntax and sentence structure of our language, and even a passing understanding with colloquialisms. It’s absolutely fascinating.”

Scientists quickly traced the communication and found it was coming from Proxima Centauri b, a large Earth-like planet orbiting in the star’s habitable zone. A response message was broadcast back to the planet, which read: 

“Hello, from the children of planet Earth! We are a peaceful bipedal race of creatures, and we wish to know more about you and your kind!”

After a brief silence, there was a response from the planet.

“Oh my god, what did I just say? Come on, man, we’ve got our own programs we’re trying to watch over here. Keep it down for a few million years, for chrissakes.”

As scientists began composing a reply to the planet, another message came in.

“If you say one more thing, one more thing that isn’t the final season of Game of Thrones, I swear I’m gonna come over there.”