WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.
“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”
The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.
“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”
Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.
“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.
Nods around the room prompted him to go on.
“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”
Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.
This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.
PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters, the popular clothing and lifestyle store among affluent and chic hipsters, is set to begin offering a life-size guillotine for purchase at all of its 245 stores across the globe.
“Urban Outfitters has long been at the forefront of re-imagining retro cultural mainstays,” said spokesperson Camille Howard. “One of our most popular items has long been our Crosley record players, which began a sort of renaissance of vinyl among today’s youth. We think this new retro offering by UO will be a big hit among the millennial age group.”
The guillotine, which measures a total of 7.5 feet tall and weighs approximately 175 pounds, is a snap to assemble, according to Howard.
“It comes in two equally weighted boxes for easy transport, and you can set it up in under an hour!” Howard exclaimed. “Once the weighted blade – or mouton – is carefully positioned in the grooves, you’re all set to begin executing your enemies!”
Pre-orders for the blade, which is being marketed as ‘The 21st Century Way to Eat the Rich’ are currently in the thousands.
WASHINGTON, DC – The long-anticipated testimony of Donald Trump’s former attorney and fixer began on Wednesday morning in the capitol as Cohen was sworn in on a menu from a local D.C. Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.
“It’s embarassing,” said Dawn Trumbull of the Capitol Records Department, “but it seems all of the existing Capitol bibles have been checked out to participate in the swearing in of other Trump White House officials currently on trial or testifying before congressional committees.”
The realization struck the Records Department shortly before Cohen was to appear before Congress when the last Capitol bible was still checked out for the sentencing hearing of Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman.
“We panicked, there’s no doubt about that,” said Trumbull. “The only thing we had on hand were a couple of week-old Washington Posts, the IKEA instruction booklet for my new Ingüvarrr standing desk, and a bunch of takeout menus. Since most of us couldn’t understand the instruction booklet, we went with the takeout menus.”
“The decision then became about which one to use,” said Deputy Administrator Rick Burly. “We believed the P.F. Chang menu sent the wrong message about diversity and inclusion in the United States, and that a Cheesecake Factory menu would seem too flippant and trite. The choice to send the KFC Menu reflects – we believe – the seriousness of intent and demeanor with which the Colonel protects his 11 herbs and spices. It is the perfect symbol to the American people that this witness is prepared to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”
Shortly after his testimony began, Mr. Cohen could be seen calling the number on the front of the menu to place an order. There is no word yet on whether he is a wing or thigh person.