Stranded Airplane Offers Rare Glimpse Into Early Societal Development

DETROIT – Severe weather across the midwest on Tuesday forced the closing of airports and diversion of many flights. It also offered sociologists a glimpse into how societies develop with a common purpose.

“We were taxiing for the flight,” said Peter Kearney, 29, a circus performer, “And the weather was getting pretty bad. We thought we’d make it out, but then things changed.”

The plane, Delta Airlines Flight 8823, was scheduled for departure at 7:36 p.m. when the weather turned worse. While taxiing for take-off, Detroit Wayne Metropolitan Airport abruptly ceased operation due to ice and snow, and ordered all planes to hold in place until towing equipment could be brought in to escort them back to the gates.

“It didn’t take long for things to go south,” said Mary Whitney, 65, a retired school psychologist. “They said we couldn’t purchase wine or alcohol while the plane was on the tarmac.”

That was when the first coup began. A group of travelers led by Whitney and her husband, Emmanuel stormed the Airbus 320’s galley demanding to be served something to take their minds off the dwindling snack supply and the even larger existential realization that they all would need to wait to go through TSA again tomorrow. The Wine Nine – as they’re being called, not by this writer – quickly overpowered the flight attendants and laid claim to the galley’s modest twelve square feet.

“We thought we’d won,” said Mary Whitney. “We thought it was all-for-one and one-for-all. We never expected First Class to get involved.”

Mary is referring to the second coup of the evening, when the First Class passengers, led by their sole flight attendant, attempted to retake the galley from the Wine Nine.

“Such horror,” said Javier Escalonte, 35, an innocent bystander. “I’ve never seen so many bloody noses and bruised knuckles. And for what? Some wine?” Escalonte shook his head in disgust.

The First Class, lulled by years of rich diets and lack of physical labor, were no match for the Wine Nine, who bound them with their shoelaces and returned them to their first class seats.

In the aftermath of the second coup, around 9:15, the passengers began instituting a rudimentary barter economy; passengers with food and snacks were seen trading for travel size bottles of vodka and other spirits. The Wine Nine even held a brief election in which Mary and her husband Emmanuel were elected as the Free Leaders of Flight 8823.

In an acceptance speech, the Whitneys thanked Bacchus, the god of wine and debauchery, as well as the new favored deity of the passengers of the flight.

This story is ongoing and will be updated periodically.

by Pembry Cornish, a roving reporter with no apparent departure time… or destination.

Budget Airline, Frontier, Announces New Travel Routes, New Planes

DENVER – Ultra low-budget airline Frontier unveiled a new series of routes on Tuesday, as well as new and updated airplanes. The announcement sent the company’s stock soaring.

“We’re thrilled to be one of America’s top choices for cost-effective air travel, and we hope these new destinations give more Americans the opportunity to see this great country,” said Frontier spokesman Pamela Sutton.

The new routes connect cities like Harrisburg, PA and nearby Philadelphia; Bismarck, ND and Fargo; and Tucson, AZ and Phoenix. The new service will come courtesy of Frontier’s new line of planes, the MC-8 and MC-9 coach buses. At a launch event on Tuesday, Frontier debuted the coaches, emblazoned in the company’s green logo.

“Customers have been asking for an alternative mode of transport for many years now, and 2019 is the year that Frontier makes that happen,” said Sutton, standing in front of one of the company’s brand new six-wheeled coach buses. “These coaches will transport customers in comfort and leisure across the highways of the United States – America’s original airways.”

The new routes offer Frontier’s signature budget-saving additional options, options such as headrests, armrests, and seat backs. The company is also debuting a new fare plan, what the company is calling “Standing Room Only.”

“It’s exactly what it sounds like,” Sutton replied briefly. “No further questions.”

by Pembry Cornish