Pro-choice Activists Disguised as Pro-life Activists Get in Brawl with Pro-life Activists Disguised as Pro-choice Activists

CINCINNATI – Sparks flew outside a Planned Parenthood clinic in Cincinnati, OH on Thursday, as a group of pro-life advocates clashed with pro-choice counter demonstrators. Not all was as it seemed, however.

“It started innocently enough,” said Julie Yoo, 26, an advocate for a women’s right to choose. “A group of us from [The Ohio State University] got a hold of some posters and made some signs, and went down to the Planned Parenthood to act like rabid pro-life morons. We thought it would be fun to lampoon how ridiculous these people are.”

According to witnesses, Yoo and six of her friends gathered with pro-life demonstrators shortly after 3:00 pm, starting wild chants and shouting obscenities at the men and women that were visiting the Cincinnati clinic. Their passion and commitment didn’t take long to spread through the group of twenty or so protesters, and soon, the crowd was riled up.

“We heard about [pro-life protesters] over in Springdale, and a few of us from the veteran’s hall thought it would be a hoot to go down there and stir ‘em up a little,” said Robert Cipriani, 54, an auto mechanic. “It was a slow day I guess. I grabbed a few flannel shirts from my son’s closet, and a couple of rap-looking hats, and a bunch of us went down there.”

Around 4:45 Cipriani and four friends arrived, quickly identifying the pro-choice counter protesters across the parking lot of the clinic’s Springdale campus.

“It weren’t hard to pick ‘em out. They were the ones lookin’ fit to burn their bras.”

The five men joined the demonstrators, and likewise began to whip the crowd into a bit of a furor. It didn’t take long, and the vitriol being slung from across the parking lot was enough to tip the afternoon over the edge.

“It was mayhem,” said Owen Jones, 22, a pro-choice demonstrator. “Those pro- life people flipped over their barricade and starting charging us. Some of us ran, but even more were looking for a fight.”

“It was fun until that moment,” said Julie Yoo. “I don’t know who started running towards them, but none of us flinched in joining in. It was out of control.” Yoo, sporting a black eye, says she has no regrets in doing what she did. “They’re a bunch of violent animals, I think we proved that.”

Robert Cipriani echoed Yoo’s sentiments. “Those pro-choice snowflakes had it coming to ‘em and more. I think we proved how unhinged and fascist these people can be.”

Eleven people reported injuries in the brawl; all of whom are expected to make a full recovery.

by Pembry Cornish

Cleopatra Craves Cheesecake

BIRMINGHAM – Employees of a local restaurant known for their diverse and comprehensive dessert selection were surprised when a reservation for ten turned out to be Cleopatra, the ancient Greek ruler herself, and her entourage of clone-like women.

The server who took the table, Pam Chivers, remembers her first impression clearly.

“At first I noticed the many many bracelets. Then I noticed they all looked the same.”

For security, Cleopatra surrounds herself with women of similar build, demeanor, and smells.”

Chivers then noticed something else.

“They all had snakes. Each woman had her own snake.”

Chivers reported this to her manager, and immediately, the 2000 year old knockout and her dining party were upgraded to a glass enclosed “birthday room” for privacy.

Cleopatra and her secret service team that she has employed for two thousand years without a government shutdown made themselves at home, ordering one dessert after another.

“I’ll never forget how she said ‘I’m just back from Egypt and I’m craving cheesecake. I was too shy to ask why she was in Alabama.”

The party was there for hours, eventually buying up all the desserts available. But the evening wasn’t a complete success. 

“They didn’t tip. I don’t think they’re hip to tipping. And they paid in ancient lira. But oh well.”

As for the snakes…

“One of the women left without hers. But our chef says we don’t have a rat problem anymore.”

by Dan Plighter

Play Goes Well Without Actors

NEW YORK – An already popular Broadway production of Gerbils! goes remarkably well without actors. After a nearly sold out first week of performances, the producers saw an unprecedented opportunity to remove the actors from the story entirely.

“It’s a much better show without actors,” said a spokesperson of Caravan Inc, the production company. “And we love actors, don’t get us wrong.”

Caravan Inc, known for a string of Broadway hits such as Salamanders! Emus! Birds of Prey! paid off the actors’ union contracts, but kept ticket sales open. 

“It was a risk, we know. But it was a financial risk we were happy to take.”

Once word got out the curtain would rise, but without actors, the show sold out within an hour.

One enthusiastic patron said after seeing the actor-less production, “Who needs actors?”

(It is the opinion of this journalist that the stage manager who took control of rehearsals and led the production to its regular opening date might be in cahoots with the producers. This is unconfirmed.)

The originally scheduled closing date of Gerbils! has been pushed back to accommodate the demand in tickets.

by Dan Plighter

Fan Sues Over Remake

LOS ANGELES – When Disney announced their reboot of Lady and the Tramp, they had little idea a devout fan would sue the company for emotional distress.

“The classic animated tale was released in 1955. We felt there was an opportunity, with all the advances in technology, to revisit the story.”

Dierdre Ramsay of Louisville, Kentucky, however, had a different opinion.

“I saw the announcement in Variety, and I thought, no way. There has to be something I can do about this.”

Ms. Ramsay hired a lawyer and the two of them went to work. They filed suit against the company, citing emotional distress and trauma.

Ms. Ramsay’s attorney issued the following statement: “My client has the right to protest what these big money makers do and do not do to her childhood memories.”

The NO reached out to Disney for comment. They are still on hold.

by Dan Plighter

Furthest Object Ever Captured on Camera Gives NASA New Insight

PASADENA – NASA’s New Horizons completed a recent fly-by of a deep-space celestial body on New Year’s Day, revealing a stark new world outside our own.

“It’s remarkable,” said Jet Propulsion Lab specialist Martin Hurley. “It’s just a rock. Just a plain, uninteresting rock. We weren’t expecting anything like it.”

After its ground-breaking success in photographing Pluto’s fascinating geological features, NASA turned the cameras and sensors of New Horizons towards Ultima Thule, a distant, cold, rocky object hurtling through our solar system. On January 1, 2019, the spacecraft completed its fly-by, and is expected to transmit data for the coming months and years.

“Now this is all just preliminary data,” said Hurley, poring over reams of dot-matrix paper, “but what we’re seeing here is unlike anything we’ve seen so far in our solar system.”

Measuring approximately 19 miles in length, Ultima Thule is comprised of two spherical bodies, not unlike a figure eight in shape. It was discovered several years ago, and has been a source of interest to astrophysicists since then.

“We’ve been watching (486958) 2014 MU69 since 2014,” said astrophysicist Ken Wallard, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “But we were delighted to find that there seems to be absolutely nothing interesting about this cold snowball hurtling through space. It’s a rock. A cold, dead rock. Finally, one mystery that doesn’t need solving.”

At press time, NASA could not be reached for further comment, as all of its representatives were reportedly out living their lives.

by Pembry Cornish

Filmmaker Rewrites Finished Film with Subtitles

LOS ANGELES – Award winning filmmaker Oscar G. Lobe recently won a court battle against distributors to subtitle his own movie with dialogue different than what’s spoken in the film.

“I wrote the film, and then I finished the film… and then I wanted to rewrite the film. So I did,” said Lobe in a court statement.

The film will retain the spoken dialogue in Liki, a rare language of inhabitants of islands in the Papua region off the Indonesian coast. But the subtitles will tell a different story.

“I know some people were confused,” Lobe’s publicist stated. “But he’s an artist. And he’s entitled to see his vision through. Even if it doesn’t make sense.”

The film, Fearbuds, tells the story of two friends who encounter a band of travelers intent on making the already inhabited island their own.

“It isn’t their island and they try to make it that way. It’s about cultural appropriation, imperialism, friendship, and sand. The version I filmed was a drama. The subtitles make it a comedy,” Lobe said.

After the hearing, Lobe was visibly elated with the ruling. “It’s a triumph. The pictures work with the change in storyline. It adds a good deal of irony.”

Fearbuds will premiere in selected theaters Feb 15.

by Dan Plighter

After Millenia, Window Closes

SEA OF CORTEZ – Tensions in the Northern Hemisphere reached a new climax last week when the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean decided to meet no more.

The result?

The Arch of Cabo San Lucas, known to locals as the “Window” will undergo a permanent closing process. Erosion is slated to continue immediately.

However, a source who works near the Window was unable to say when it might close altogether. “It could be a while. I mean, it’s been open for a while. It could be a while. I mean… a while.”

It is unclear why the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean decided not to meet again. It throws into question the future of the tourist industry, which now seems murky.

“People sail down here. How are they going to get from the Sea to the Ocean, or the other way, if the two don’t meet no more?”

Many locals showed their remorse for the breakdown in relations by swimming, snorkeling, taking water taxis out to view sea lions basking on rocks and barking incessantly from their smelly perch, and just about anything else to distract themselves from the grief they felt.

“It’s a shame,” said one tourist. “That window was always so clean. You could like… see right through it… like it was open or something.”

by Dan Plighter

Guest Thanks Host for Dinner… Then Eats

SAN FRANCISCO – At a recent dinner party for silicon valley elites, a guest thanked her host before taking her first bite of dinner. Then things turned sour.

“I should never have said anything. Dinner was almost inedible.”

The guest managed to muscle down her entree, and even had a second helping of dessert before excusing herself.

“I almost didn’t get out of there. I was so full. But dinner was awful.”

by Dan Plighter

New Farm to Table Restaurant Brings the Farm to Your Table

NEW YORK CITY – A bustling new Soho restaurant is already turning heads with its ambitious and environmentally-conscious approach to sustainable eating.

Walking past the flagship retail outlets that are peppered among the crowded streets of Manhattan’s affluent Soho neighborhood, one could almost miss the small green awning and simple storefront belonging to the neighborhood’s newest restaurant – the briefly named Farm. Stepping inside, however, one is instantly transported to a verdant summer afternoon on an upstate New York farm.

“It’s 83% humidity and 91 degrees,” says co-owner Micha Lewis, 31, relaxing before the restaurant’s evening rush. Staff and servers bustle around her as she reclines in simple olive flight pants and a remarkably well-tailored chef’s jacket. “The halogen lights allow us to synthesize a perfect August afternoon upstate.”

Aside from the atmospheric conditions, perhaps the most striking architectural achievement of the restaurant is Farm’s large open plot of top soil, filled to brim with all manner of vegetable delights. Pumpkin and squash plants meander among tall stalks of corn, tomato plants grow in abundance, and root vegetables spring up from every corner of the plot. Small two and four-top tables cluster around ‘The Patch,’ as Lewis calls it.

“No one is doing it like we’re doing it,” she says, a broad confident smile blossoming on her face. “It’s going to revolutionize the farm-to-table industry.”

The simple premise of Farm is one that few restaurants have been bold enough to try. You arrive for your dinner reservation – choosing from a 7:30 or 9:00 p.m. slot. After a ‘farmhand’ takes your coat, guests are invited to root among the soil in ‘The Patch’, selecting the produce they wish to see on their plate. They then hand it off to their server, who whisks it away to be prepared by Lewis or one of her two sous chefs.

“Of course,” Lewis says with wink, “we don’t actually grow any of the produce in The Patch. Corn and tomato plants are brought in fresh every morning, and the ones from the previous night are discarded, or donated to a food bank or something.”

Asked if she had plans to grow her own produce at Farm, Lewis, the daughter of a Wall Street broker and a Fashion designer, admitted she wouldn’t know where to begin.

by Pembry Cornish

BREAKING NEWS – White House Staffers Consult Casting Agency

WASHINGTON – Following another failed attempt at reaching any kind of agreement to end the government shutdown, two White House staff members (who wish to remain anonymous) consulted a New York casting agency (who also wishes to remain anonymous) in search of an actor who can act like a president.

“He stormed out of the room and then tweeted. People’s lives are at stake and he’s on his cell phone.”

The White House staff members then huddled in a corner and brainstormed.

“The idea came from a trip to the theater over the holidays. When we talked about the quality of the performances, we went down this rabbit hole of what it means to do a good job. We decided to do something drastic.”

The staff members are in discussions with congress to facilitate a casting session in the next week. There will be a script provided, but the right actor will need to be able to improvise, and deal with CNN.

“Our next option is to hire a preschool teacher to come and talk with the president and congress to explore what it means to listen.”

by Dan Plighter

Estate Reanimates Corpse and Sues

NEW ENGLAND – The estate of American novelist, F. Scott Fitzgerald, successfully reanimated the corpse of Fitzgerald, and subsequently filed for copyright extensions.

As many works of fiction written in the early 20th century reach the end of their copyright protection and enter the public domain, the face of publishing is shifting. No longer will there be definitive versions of classics such as The Great Gatsby. Entering the public domain will open these works to fan fiction, reinterpretation, and most importantly: free copies riddled with typos available on the world wide web. While previously only available at every library across the country as well as nearly every new and used book store in multitudes, some complain these classics hard to find.

One man without an education decried, “The Great Gatsby? Sure I would have read it if I hadn’t dropped out of school, or if I could even get my hands on it. I was forced to watch the movie. Both of them. But I liked The Great Train Robbery better.”

In an attempt to squelch the loss of copyright control, Fitzgerald’s estate reanimated the significantly decayed corpse of the author to prove he was still alive. The estate credits this reanimation possibility to both the discovery of the structure of DNA in 1953, and to Mary Shelley. The lead scientist involved in the reanimation project state, “If Shelley knew about DNA, Frankenstein would have been a very different story.”

Real life Dr. Frankenstein, incidentally named Dr. Frankenstein III, was expelled from Cold Water Springs, an industry leader in genetic research, when he was caught digging up corpses. “I don’t agree that there’s a difference between changing genes in the tube, and reanimating what’s already lived and died. They’re both science.” But when Dr. Frankenstein III was contacted by the Fitzgerald estate, he felt vindicated. “I’m a scientist. And now I’m a scientist working on something classic. I’m a classic scientist. It’s kismet.”

But to some, this immoral and illegal process of bringing back the dead strikes a nerve. “What is this, Geriatric Park?”

The lawyer for the Fitzgerald estate said in a statement, “The family members of these artists need the money. They don’t need to contribute to society. Their grandfather wrote a classic. You should be so lucky.”

The result of the copyright extension request is pending review at the time of this publication.

by Dan Plighter

Interior Designer Receives Praise for Harsh, Minimalist Style

BERGEN – A Norwegian interior designer has been making headlines all over Europe with a bold new take on minimalist home decoration.

“It’s quite simple,” said Olena Svenson, the 26 year-old designer making waves in her home city of Bergen, Norway. “We remove all adornments, every functional piece of furniture, all appliances, everything. It’s minimalism – the way minimalism is supposed to be.”

Reporters from The Nebulous Observer were treated to a tour of several upscale apartments the young firebrand had recently completed, led by Bergen real estate developer Michael Olsen.

“What’s most striking about these units,” Mr. Olsen remarked, his voice echoing off the tastefully painted walls, “is their complete emptiness. There is nothing. No furniture. No chairs, no bed, nothing.”

As we entered the apartment, we were treated to a long, austere hallway that opened out into a spacious white room filled with sunlight. The light filtered in through pristine glass windows overlooking downtown Bergen. Two adjoining rooms were similarly decorated, painted in a modest white hue developed by Svenson herself that Olsen informed us was known as ‘Cadbury cream’.

“We had a lot of challenges providing for some of the more exciting engineering aspects of Ms. Svenson’s design,” remarked Olsen, leaning against one of the bare walls. “Removing the electrical wiring for the lights and outlets was a particular challenge. And the de-installation of the apartment’s water and sewage hook-ups set us back a few months.”

The unit we were standing in, known as the Circadian Suite, gets natural sunlight for just over six hours every day in December, Bergen’s darkest month. The other eighteen hours, we were informed, the apartment is entirely dark, promoting the body’s natural circadian rhythm.

The waitlist for the units in this building alone is in the hundreds, with the first apartments becoming occupied next month.

One of the lucky first tenants, Egil and Gunda Rasmussen, expressed their excitement to our Nebulous Observer correspondent. “We’ve thrown all of our possessions away already. We cannot wait.”

One bedroom units in this building are renting for 34,000 krone, the equivalent to $4,000 USD.

by Pembry Cornish

Writer Plagiarizes Himself

NEW YORK – An unknown writer is suing himself for plagiarism.

“I found an old story I’d written, and then I changed the title, and then I resubmitted it for publication.”

The discovery of self plagiarism was a shock. He turned himself in immediately.

“I couldn’t believe I’d do that to another writer, let alone myself. It’s deplorable.”

Family members expressed concern for the scandal.

“He worked hard on that story. And to think he would just change the title and claim it as his own?”

News of the situation forced the magazine publisher to pull the story from consideration until the lawsuit is cleared up.

by Dan Plighter

Nobel Winner Credits D-Rings

SWITZERLAND – Nobel prize winner in Linguistics, Zoe Didamaker, thanked D-Rings in her lecture upon accepting the coveted prize.

“I have to, of course, defer this discovery to my assistant at the time, but doctoral students never get any credit for a reason… at any rate D-Rings changed my world. Suddenly, my binders were working with me, not against me.”

She went on to credit the D-rings for an ease with organization, thus freeing up her time for important science. Didamaker concluded her lecture by saying she could not have reached the place she has professionally without the hole-punch.

“It changed my life.”

by Dan Plighter

Stage Manager Takes Control

MILWAUKEE – A stage manager for a small theater company in Milwaukee recently took complete control over rehearsals, usurping the director’s position entirely.

The stage manager, Kiera, said in a statement, “We were constantly talking about other things. No one would have rehearsed if I didn’t make them.” Following the change of guard, Kiera forced the actors to say their lines and follow the agreed on staging in a timely manner.

“I didn’t notice,” said one of the actors. “And there was still coffee in the green room.”

But the director was gobsmacked. “The stage manager usually runs the show, but not before opening. This was unheard of.”

An actor who has reportedly been in the business for over thirty years said, “I’ve seen a lot [of stage managers] try. I’ve never seen one actually do it. It was really something.”

The director watched helplessly as rehearsals continued, transitioned into tech rehearsals, and then opened to fair reviews.

“We opened on time. We were prepared,” said Kiera. Critics, however, were skeptical, and protests outside posited the idea that if they opened on the same day as planned before the coup, then why the takeover?

Others have shown their support by attending the performance early, ready to be seated the moment the house opens. The house manager says she’s never seen anything like it. “We could even start the show early each night, get it over with, and then go home.”

“I can’t speak to the quality of the performances,” said Kiera, “but the show runs on time, it’s consistent, the actors do what they’re told. That’s good theater.”

Throughout the process, all union actors still received their union breaks.

by Dan Plighter

Government Shutdown… Permanent

WASHINGTON – Heading into a third week of partial government shutdown, US President and a newly diverse congress have released a report showing how much more efficient the government is when it is not working. At all.

The result? They’re shutting down permanently.

“It’s like a car that’s off. It uses less gas. You know? GREAT.”

Ensuring their own offspring has all they need for the rest of their lives, members of Congress siphoned remaining funds into their own investment accounts in a rare show of honesty. Previously, when corruption and negligence were marks against public servants, such greed was covert.

“It’s wonderful,” said a newly elected congressman. “I got into politics for a good retirement. Now it’s come so quickly. I really lucked out. I’m really glad I ran for Congress and won.”

Critics have pointed out that medical care, transportation, and well… most of the country will suffer without at least partial government help.

“That’s not our problem anymore,” responded another member of congress who requested anonymity. “The American people should have thought of that and won congressional seats themselves if they wanted the good life.”

Since the news broke of a complete and permanent shutdown, gun sales have soared. “Well there aren’t any pesky constitutional rights to argue about anymore,” said one salesman. “And I’m swimming in money anyway so I’m all set.”

Demonstrations took place in many major metropoliseseses. The main question in the air now seems to be: if we are not governed as the United States of America, then who are we?

by Dan Plighter

From the Editor

“These are the Headlines, Folks”

Our motto. Our mantra. Our reality.

Welcome to the Nebulous Observer. We hope we will be your source for up to the month news from around the world. Our small but mighty circulation will never fail to be discreet; so much so that you may not be able to find a copy. Please keep trying.

Our journal, like the penguin, was never meant to take off. And like said penguin, we intend to waddle around in the cold and sit on our own feet as we bring news in its most immediate and desired form: print.

In these nebulous times, we look for something to grab on to.

by Dan Plighter, Editor in Chief of The NO