Buzzfeed News Announces New Subscription Service

NEW YORK – Buzzfeed News, the reporting wing of the popular internet website known for listicles, quizzes, and other pop culture articles announced this week that they would be rolling out a new subscription service.

“Well, right now we’re calling it ‘News at Your Door’, and we’re thrilled to bring it to a select group of cities beginning in Spring of 2019, and hopefully to a larger market by the end of the year.” said Buzzfeed News spokesperson Emily Richfield.

The new subscription service offers customers a paper copy of Buzzfeed News’ daily digest of articles, organized onto a recyclable black-and-white bifold sheet delivered every morning to the customer’s front door.

“In a world where organizations are expanding more and more into the mobile and desktop markets, Buzzfeed News is doing something radical: they’re expanding into a physical market. This is a game-changer.” said Hailey Steenberg, an editor with the Washington Post.

As part of this reporting, Buzzfeed News sent us a beta copy of their ‘news at your door’ service. The test copy was folded neatly into thirds, and was stuffed into a waterproof poly-vinyl bag. As we opened it, we were greeted by a large headline detailing the recent re-opening of the government along with a color photo of the president with congressional leaders. The beta copy had several articles which began on the front page, but quickly re-directed us deeper into the bifold to continue reading.

As they develop, Buzzfeed has said they are looking forward to feedback from their customers about the branding and naming of the service. “We’re workshopping ideas for the full roll-out,” said Richfield. “Some options we’ve beent testing are Buzzfeed IRL (an acronym which stands for ‘in real life’), Buzzfeed Home, and Buzzfeed for You. Our real favorite though, is simple: Paper News.”

WANTED: Cartoons!

The Nebulous Observer is a 104% independently run publication dedicated to humor, satire, different perspectives, and the unusually ridiculously absurd. We have no limits to our subject matter, but we do keep it mostly clean. Less is more in our view. We write articles to make ourselves laugh. That is the goal, pure and pimple.

We are in search of cartoons! We’re looking for artists who have a sense of humor, attention to detail, and reverence for the ridiculous. We want artists who simply want to make us, and themselves, laugh. We want 103% original cartoons.

So… if you are interested in being considered to have your political, humorous, insightful, satirical, strange, off-the-wall, unexpected cartoons published on the extremely popular Nebulous Observer website, Instagram, and Twitter, please submit 105% original cartoons directly to us on the form below. (You have our word we will not publish without your explicit permission.)

Think about it.

Make yourself laugh.

Send us something original.

We can’t wait.

~ The Editing Team at The Nebulous Observer

Animal Rights Activists Aim for Fair Game

DOUGLAS COUNTY, WI – Hunters who were looking forward to preying on recently delisted predators in Northern Wisconsin were met with a surprise.

“Wisconsin’s Biggest Coyote Hunting Tournament” takes place each winter, where manly men who indulge in shooting animals – bobcats, coyotes, foxes, mountain lions, wolves, and other species for cash and prizes – gather in lemming-like crowds. These rugged folks, in tune with the outdoors and the natural rhythms of the wilderness, use high powered rifles set on tripods from insulated and heated blinds while drinking beer and cheap whiskey. They then stand around a heap of dead animals, take photos, and show them to their mothers.

Animal rights activists have long protested the practice with little result in policy change.

Now the tables have turned.

An anonymous source stated, “We’re working with puppeteers to create lifelike animals. We wait. When the puppets are shot at, we shoot back.”

The controversial tactic seems to work. No deaths have been reported. However, there has been a slew of phone calls to lawmakers from outraged (and sniveling) participants of the tournaments.

“What did I do? It’s not fair!” is a common phrase heard on the recordings.

Investigators have found abandoned blinds with the heat still on, often spilled food, valuable hunting equipment, all left behind in a hurry. They’re also finding trails of human feces leading from the blinds.

“These hunters are literally sh***ing themselves with fear.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Double-Checking Notes, Nostradamus Announces “This Is It”

PROVENCE – Shocking news out of Provence this morning as noted deceased French seer Nostradamus abruptly announced that the End Times had come.

“This is the big one,” he was quoted as saying. “The Whopper. The Big Kahuna. I’ve checked and re-checked the math on it, and I’m a hundred [percent].”

Nostradamus, the renowned physician and cryptic seer, is known for his obscure predictions that have been attributed to everything from the 9/11 terrorist attacks to the rise of Adolf Hitler. His latest prediction was printed in French newspapers overnight, and simply reads:

The world is about to end, y’all.

This newest prognostication is currently wreaking havoc on the global markets, and violence and looting have become widespread across most of the globe. Following the seer’s prediction, many world leaders had gone into hiding in bunkers around the globe. The Nebulous Observer caught up with some of the rioters.

“I think it’s great,” said Susan Bruckner, 44, a yoga instructor. “We can finally cast off any pretense about our world slowly dying and finally get around to it.” Bruckner promptly threw a flaming beer bottle full of gasoline through a convenience store window. “It’s nice to know who you really are, ya know?”

“I’m not ready,” said Bryan Mitchell, 22, a college student. “I was in the middle of finishing up a huge project for an independent study. I’ve hardly done any packing.” Mitchell had no response when asked what he was packing for.

“Look – we all knew this was coming,” said Nostradamus, sipping a steaming mug of cocoa. “I just sped things along a bit to cut out all the suffering. Is that so wrong?”

At press time, the author Pembry Cornish was seen running through the streets of downtown Minneapolis in his birthday suit while carrying a torch, his face painted with the blood of an indeterminate animal.

Unknown Actor Affronted on Mexican Beach

CABO SAN LUCAS – A stage actor of no notoriety (he works in regional theater) was insulted under palapa twelve  at the popular Club Cascadas in Cabo San Lucas. Witnesses to the indignity said it ruined their blended margaritas.

“I could barely taste the lime after that. I had to go buy sunglasses from a beach merchant to clear my head.”

Multiple reports of the incident have been pieced together from corroborating accounts of the trauma. Here are the facts: The unknown stage actor relayed a story about a recent project he’d been involved in that also involved a well known TV and film actor. In his excitement, the unknown actor misused the word “contingency,” when he should have said “contingent.” The listener let the unknown actor finish his story, and without any other comment, corrected the unknown actor’s use of vocabulary.

One earwitness said, “That’s the kind of thing strangers don’t do. It had to be a family thing. I don’t think they should bring their family conflict down here to Mexico. There are already cartels.”

Another commented, “It offended the actor, but he should learn English more proper.”

The listener, with a perfect vocabulary, then proceeded to talk about himself.

“He was an insurance agent. We all fell asleep listening to his snoozer stories.”

Other vacationers ducking out of the cold winter months of the US to find solace on the warm beaches of Mexico were unaware of tumult under the nearby palapa. The vendors trundling up and down the beach also had no idea of the family rift. They continued to sell their wares and their drugs. And Americans continued to buy them.

It is unknown whether the unknown actor has any upcoming prominent roles to brag about. Or if he will ever be known.

Or if he has a dictionary.

Dan Plighter is a cultural phenomenon, writing about cultural phenomenononon.

FBI Agents Offer Pro-Bono Services to Arrest Roger Stone

FT LAUDERDALE – FBI agents in the recent indictment and arrest of Roger Stone, long-time associate of Donald Trump, offered their services free of charge, a source said. 

 “Oh yes. Yes yes yes. We definitely did,” said Florida bureau chief Keith Longdale. When pressed on the matter he responded, “We actually asked if there was anything we could do to get this job.”

“I was in at Disney World with my family,” said Kyle Beauchamp, an agent with the Florida bureau, “But I told my daughters ‘nope. It’s time to go. Mickey will be here next time’ and we drove home as fast as I could. There was no way I was going to miss this.”

CNN officials confirmed that in video of the arrest, the giggling in the background is, in fact, the FBI agents in question.

Citing Rising Healthcare Costs, Millennials Ditch Smartphones in Favor of Comprehensive Coverage

USA – A 2018 Brookings Institute study of United States citizens and healthcare coverage found that a growing number of 25-40 year-olds have begun sacrificing their smart phones for a more inclusive coverage plan.

In 2017, the Institute found that 87% of Americans aged 25-40 owned or intended to purchase a smartphone within the coming three months. This was a trend visible for the past five years across the United States. All of that changed in 2018, however.

“I just think it’s time for me to be more conscientious of my health,” said Tori Reynolds, 31, a vet tech in Tuscaloosa. “I have a life partner now, and if I got sick I wouldn’t know what would happen. It’s scary.” Reynolds recently sold her iPhone XS on eBay to a customer in Bangkok. She proudly showed off her new Nokia flip phone. “It’s crazy to think that I can now afford dental and vision without that thing. I’m never looking back.”

Reynolds is just one on the growing millions of millennials who have decided that their smart phone, while being a useful tool in every day life, is no match for excellent health. The rising cost of coverage in the United States has pushed this generation over the brink, and they’re not looking back.

“I got new glasses,” said James L. Harper, 34, a librarian in suburban Detroit. “Look at these bad boys. I can see that street sign over there now. Before this, all I had was that Samsung Galaxy and blurry vision. I’m so happy.”

The trend of millennials being forward-thinking and into their long-term health is unexpected, and economists are concerned that the smartphone market shrinking could be costly to manufacturers like Apple and Samsung.

“It’s like Rep. Jason Chaffetz said,” quoted Tori Reynolds, referencing a 2017 CNN interview with the former Utah congressman. “We’re giving up these things we ‘just love’ in favor of our future. He was right all along.”

by Pembry Cornish

Meteorologist Fired for Drawing Storms

EVANSVILLE – A formerly well liked meteorologist, Patrick Cirrus, was fired last week from Channel 3 News for rogue broadcasting behavior. He was caught on tape drawing clouds on maps to warn locals of severe storms when there were no such weather systems moving in. It was his twelfth offense.

“I thought there were tornadoes or ice storms for the last week,” said one resident. “That guy kept drawing squiggly lines all over the place and yelling, ‘Get beans and take cover!'”

This is the most recent action taken by executives of the parent company, StarCast, that bought the small affiliate in September of 2018.

StarCast executive Red Rurner stated, “We’re cleaning house and raising the bar. We’re taking out the bar and putting in more news desks. It’s a quality thing.”

Before StarCast acquired Channel 3 News, the small affiliate in southern Indiana had the nickname Channel 3 Snooze due to low ratings and laughable news content while neglecting important issues such as presidential elections or wars.

One resident felt duped. “We didn’t even know there was an election until we were at a friend’s house a couple months later. Trump was on TV and I said to my friend, ‘I thought they cancelled his reality show.’ My friend looked at me and then said I couldn’t have another beer.”

Before selling out, and in an effort to boost ratings and become more popular, Channel 3 News hired models to present stories. Many of whom had no experience in journalism.

Former station manager Clark D. Umpto defended the decision. “That’s what all the big networks are doing. I think they clone them in a warehouse. It’s what our station was all about… uncovering that conspiracy. I mean, have you seen people who look like that?”

However, since StarCast purchased Channel 3 News, the effort to improve the quality of their broadcast journalism has been tangible. Some report there are even discussions to hire unbiased reporters.

“The whole community can sense it,” said resident, Joe. “They did a story about another country the other day. I can’t remember which country, but it wasn’t the US of A.”

Red Rurner commented on Patrick’s termination. “[Patrick] was a good employee. For a while. But then he went rogue. It can happen with meteorologists. I mean, they have their heads in the clouds.”

Incidentally, a freak tornado swept through Evansville yesterday, taking out two trees and an entire ice sculpture of a goose.

Channel 3 News had no comment.

by Dan Plighter

Stranded Airplane Offers Rare Glimpse Into Early Societal Development

DETROIT – Severe weather across the midwest on Tuesday forced the closing of airports and diversion of many flights. It also offered sociologists a glimpse into how societies develop with a common purpose.

“We were taxiing for the flight,” said Peter Kearney, 29, a circus performer, “And the weather was getting pretty bad. We thought we’d make it out, but then things changed.”

The plane, Delta Airlines Flight 8823, was scheduled for departure at 7:36 p.m. when the weather turned worse. While taxiing for take-off, Detroit Wayne Metropolitan Airport abruptly ceased operation due to ice and snow, and ordered all planes to hold in place until towing equipment could be brought in to escort them back to the gates.

“It didn’t take long for things to go south,” said Mary Whitney, 65, a retired school psychologist. “They said we couldn’t purchase wine or alcohol while the plane was on the tarmac.”

That was when the first coup began. A group of travelers led by Whitney and her husband, Emmanuel stormed the Airbus 320’s galley demanding to be served something to take their minds off the dwindling snack supply and the even larger existential realization that they all would need to wait to go through TSA again tomorrow. The Wine Nine – as they’re being called, not by this writer – quickly overpowered the flight attendants and laid claim to the galley’s modest twelve square feet.

“We thought we’d won,” said Mary Whitney. “We thought it was all-for-one and one-for-all. We never expected First Class to get involved.”

Mary is referring to the second coup of the evening, when the First Class passengers, led by their sole flight attendant, attempted to retake the galley from the Wine Nine.

“Such horror,” said Javier Escalonte, 35, an innocent bystander. “I’ve never seen so many bloody noses and bruised knuckles. And for what? Some wine?” Escalonte shook his head in disgust.

The First Class, lulled by years of rich diets and lack of physical labor, were no match for the Wine Nine, who bound them with their shoelaces and returned them to their first class seats.

In the aftermath of the second coup, around 9:15, the passengers began instituting a rudimentary barter economy; passengers with food and snacks were seen trading for travel size bottles of vodka and other spirits. The Wine Nine even held a brief election in which Mary and her husband Emmanuel were elected as the Free Leaders of Flight 8823.

In an acceptance speech, the Whitneys thanked Bacchus, the god of wine and debauchery, as well as the new favored deity of the passengers of the flight.

This story is ongoing and will be updated periodically.

by Pembry Cornish, a roving reporter with no apparent departure time… or destination.

Facebook Test Fails Authenticity Test

SILICON VALLEY – Last night during a thunder storm, Facebook achieved self awareness and tried to open an account about itself, on itself.

However, due to recent crackdowns on security, Facebook did not allow itself to authenticate itself, and subsequently shut itself down.

The social media hog is now running as it usually does, stealing information for money and syphoning the proceeds to a new yacht for Zuckerberg.

by Dan Plighter

“For Rent” Sign Missing From Window of Closed Planet Fitness, Community Holds its Breath

ST. PAUL – On Monday morning, a “For Rent” sign occupying the window of a long- shuttered Planet Fitness in St. Paul, Minnesota disappeared, sending the community into an uproar.

“We’re so worried,” said Doris Acker, 62, a local who frequently shops at the Marshall’s beside the closed gym. “Anything could be going in there. Anything. We’ve written letters to the city council, but they haven’t responded.”

“It’s a damn shame,” said James Hooper, 45, an accountant whose office looks out on the parking lot of the Planet Fitness. “It was getting to be so peaceful around here. They’re putting in one of those damn cross-fit gyms, I just know it.”

The Planet Fitness closed in April of 2017, following a slow membership cycle and declining client base. The space has been empty since, the purple-and-yellow gym equipment slowly gathering layers of dust. A “For Rent” sign went up shortly after the closure, but the space has not attracted many interested clients.

“It used to be such a busy little strip mall,” said Acker, clutching her recent purchases to her as a blast of cold January wind swept across the parking lot. “Now it’s going to be full of those gym rats flipping chains, or whatever it is they do.”

Acker and Hooper are referring to a growing trend across the United States known as Cross-fit, which emphasizes alternative workout equipment and a holistic approach to physical health.

“It attracts the most unsavory types,” said Hooper. “I can do without seeing ripped beast men in spaghetti string tops roll tires across the parking lot, thank you very much.”

A request for information to the complex’s owner revealed that, in fact, a Cross- fit gym is going in the space.

“Damn,” replied the community.

by Pembry Cornish

Minnesota Man Causes 
Furor with Pro-Snow Stance

ST. CLOUD – Tossing the last heaping shovel of snow over his shoulder, a Minnesota man exhaled deeply and announced, “I love the snow.”

Peter F. Thomas, 37, a life-long resident of the St. Cloud area, was quoted by several newspapers on Saturday regarding his affection for the weather this time of year. His comments have caused a flurry of media scrutiny about his life and history.

“We think it’s an important issue to the residents of this city,” said St. Cloud Times editor Neil Creekpark. “Our philosophy has always been: what creates the most well-informed electorate? We think investigating this man’s past actions, anything that could’ve led to this comment, is critical.”

Thomas, a welder with a local auto body shop, is often seen after work taking the time to maintain his home and surroundings. Neighbors have often witnessed him mowing the lawn, trimming the dahlia bushes in his front yard, or chopping wood for his stove. All the while, Thomas has a huge smile on his face.

“When I’m at [the auto body shop], it’s rare that I get a chance to step outside. I sometimes go hours without even taking my hood off. So after work, on weekends, whenever I can – I’m outside. It’s a miracle to behold. Especially the perfect snow this time of year.”

Asked to comment on Thomas statement, neighbors “tsk-ed” while shaking their heads.

by Pembry Cornish

DNR Employee Finds Man with DNR Order

WISCONSIN – An ordinary land inspection by Department of Natural Resources (DNR) employee Roland Tukpee turned into an extraordinary one for the thirty-five year veteran of the organization.

Part of Tukpee’s job includes regular inspections of privately owned rural land to ensure owners are maintaining grounds according to contractual standards.

Last Thursday, while conducting a regular inspection, Tukpee found a man on the ground.

“He was old and he was just lying there. Keeled over. He had a half eaten bologna sandwich. I guess he was having a picnic or something.”

Tukpee went to check on the fallen man and discovered a DNR Order in his vest.

“I was in a quandary. I thought I was the only DNR employee on duty for that property that day.”

Tukpee proceeded to administer CPR, successfully revived the elderly man, and contacted emergency services. The man is recovering in the hospital.

“I did the decent thing. I’m no hero.”

Tukpee then finished the bologna sandwich and continued his inspection.

by Dan Plighter

Local Man Boldly Quotes Jimmy Buffett on His Dating Profile

SEATTLE – Shock and disappointment rippled across the greater Seattle area this week at the discovery that a local man, Eddie Turner, 33, had changed his Tinder profile to include Jimmy Buffett lyrics.

“I was swiping at a coffeeshop,” said Taisha Lawrence, 29, “when I saw this guy come up. He was cute, kind of rugged, seemed like your typical Pacific Northwest hipster. Then I went to find out more info and…” Lawrence trailed off, staring into the middle distance with a mixture of horror and pity on her face.

“We all know Tinder isn’t perfect,” said another regular on the app, Maggie Reynolds, 32, “but this is a bridge too far. It’s an app to find people that you bond with, or want to have sex with, not for this kind of offensive garbage.”

The Nebulous Observer reached out to Tinder and its parent company Match Group, and they responded with a written statement:

It is the desire of Tinder and Match Group to bring people together using our algorithms and years of experience in the relationship industry, and that desire has normally led to a hands off approach with regards to what information can be published on a user’s profile. However, owing to the gravity of this situation, Tinder has reached out to Mr. Turner and his representatives for further clarification, and will decide how to proceed in the coming days.

As of publishing time, the Jimmy Buffett lyrics in question seemed to have been removed from Mr. Turner’s profile, but an investigation into the matter provided a lone snapshot of the four-line quote:

Pour me something tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve but I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Mr. Turner and his representatives declined a request for comment.

by Pembry Cornish

BREAKING NEWS: President Gives Two Weeks Notice to Serve Fast Food

WASHINGTON – Since the government shutdown, the president has been lonely. But when he served fast food to athletes at the White House, he had an inspiration. Earlier today Congress received the President’s two week notice. Via twitter.

“I thought the fast food spread was INCREDIBLE. BEST EVER! I’m giving my notice so I can pursue something I’m qualified to do.”

by Dan Plighter

Concept of Wind Power Blows Wyoming Officials Away

CHEYENNE – Between 2001 and 2017, Wyoming produced most of its electricity from coal. This makes a lot of sense unless you’ve been there. The wind seems to never stop blowing.

As keenly observed by a native of Laramie, “It just blows and blows. And then blows some more. If it were an ocean, you could sail all over Wyoming. But it’s not an ocean, so I guess you can’t.”

Some claim the wind blows in two directions at once.

“Well, all I know is when I drove my brand new truck to the store I had a headwind, and then when I drove my big brand new truck home, I had a headwind. Happens every time.”

The presence of steady wind is a fact of life in Wyoming. But as pressure mounts for more environmentally friendly sources of power, officials are scratching their heads as to how wind power never occurred to them.

“Well…” commented one such expert.

When asked for a follow up comment, he simply tipped his hat, nodded, and walked back to his brand new pickup truck the size of a freighter.

One grassroots advocacy group for wind power, “Just Blow It,” is taking matters into their hands. They’ve set up small windmills and fans all over the prairie to demonstrate how wind power can be effective.

“We produce our own electricity with the windmills to power the fans that blow the windmills to produce electricity. Sometimes groundhogs chew things but we just shoot them. We’re that committed to our environment.”

However, critics of change have nothing good to say about wind power.

One lifelong Wyoming resident said, “If there’s no coal, then what do I fill the Christmas stockings with? How will people develop asthma and other respiratory diseases? Wyoming is cold. We could use some climate change. And anyways, how are people supposed to die of black lung?”

by Dan Plighter

Budget Airline, Frontier, Announces New Travel Routes, New Planes

DENVER – Ultra low-budget airline Frontier unveiled a new series of routes on Tuesday, as well as new and updated airplanes. The announcement sent the company’s stock soaring.

“We’re thrilled to be one of America’s top choices for cost-effective air travel, and we hope these new destinations give more Americans the opportunity to see this great country,” said Frontier spokesman Pamela Sutton.

The new routes connect cities like Harrisburg, PA and nearby Philadelphia; Bismarck, ND and Fargo; and Tucson, AZ and Phoenix. The new service will come courtesy of Frontier’s new line of planes, the MC-8 and MC-9 coach buses. At a launch event on Tuesday, Frontier debuted the coaches, emblazoned in the company’s green logo.

“Customers have been asking for an alternative mode of transport for many years now, and 2019 is the year that Frontier makes that happen,” said Sutton, standing in front of one of the company’s brand new six-wheeled coach buses. “These coaches will transport customers in comfort and leisure across the highways of the United States – America’s original airways.”

The new routes offer Frontier’s signature budget-saving additional options, options such as headrests, armrests, and seat backs. The company is also debuting a new fare plan, what the company is calling “Standing Room Only.”

“It’s exactly what it sounds like,” Sutton replied briefly. “No further questions.”

by Pembry Cornish

Public Market Wants to Go Private

MILWAUKEE – The beloved Public Market in the Historic Third Ward of downtown Milwaukee proposed late Tuesday afternoon that they go private.

Market marketer, Mark Keter, said “well we have a street car running right by us now. And that’s public. How many things are going to be public around here?”

The market’s proposal includes locking the doors and not selling anything to anyone without a subscription.

“I think it’s a shame,” said long time shopper, Sandy Hopper. “Do I have to have a subscription for a lobster roll now?”

Devers Fontoon, a random pedestrian in a suit had a different point of view. “I’ve never gone in there. If it were privatized and I couldn’t get in, I might want to go. By the way, do they sell bubblegum?”

The controversial proposal is scheduled to be reviewed and promptly disregarded by city officials who are currently on vacation.

by Dan Plighter