Mystery Bank Robber Tracked Down

ANCHORAGE – In the late summer and fall of 2018, a string of bank robberies in Anchorage, Alaska baffled law enforcement.

“There was no getaway vehicle. No sign of how the suspect managed to disappear. This went on for months.”

First the Northrim Bank was held up in late October of 2018. Then a Wells Fargo, almost a month later to the day. Finally in December, the Northern Skies Federal Credit Union was robbed. The characteristic tying the three establishments together? They were near the University of Alaska.

Justin Lambo, lead detective on the case divulged, “It was always around the same time. About 4 o’clock in the afternoon on a Thursday. The suspect, dressed in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt, and backpack, would enter the bank, take a good amount of cash with no fuss, and then… vanish. We don’t think the suspect was armed.”

Since December, investigators have kept a close watch on the financial institutions. To no avail.

Until Thursday.

A suspect in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt and backpack entered the Anchorage 5th 3rd 12th Bank, gathered cash from a teller, and then vanished.

Almost.

“We saw these tracks leading from the entrance to the bank to an apartment building. It was pretty easy after that.”

Around five in the evening, officials stormed the home of John D. Ilinger. Inside, was a pair of nordic skis, $20,000 in small bills stacked neatly on a coffee table, and a few rolls of quarters next to a jug of laundry detergent.

“At first we thought the suspect was clean, but then we pieced it together. The evidence fits.”

Mr. Illinger confessed to the robberies of the other banks last fall. He also confessed to being a sophomore at the University of Alaska.

“You think I’m going to take out loans?” Illinger said in a statement, leaning back in his chair in a posture of defiance for all institutions for all time.

Lambo said, “The suspect being a student explains the time, and how he vanished into the throng of students getting out of class. We think his getaway vehicle lat fall may have been a skateboard. Punk skateboarding hooligans. Who can tell them apart?”

When asked why he thought he could get away from a bank on nordic skis in the dead of winter, Illinger replied, “I trained for two months. I’m in good condition. But now I have a bad track record.”

~ by Dan Plighter

The Famed “Loco-Motion” Goes Green

LONDON – “You got to swing your hips, now…” Sings Little Eva in the iconic 1962 hit song “The Loco-Motion.”

Written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King, the song was intended for Dee Dee Sharp, but she turned it down. Oops.

But in recent months, the song, though no longer brand new, has taken hip London clubs by storm with a twist of environmentalism. It is now nicknamed the “Green Locomotion.”

Clive Cliven, owner of The Blue Spot, one of the most exclusive clubs in Soho, said, “You move around the floor, just like in the old version, but without the carbon emissions. Except for people’s breathing.”

“Everybody’s doing it,” said one dancer, mid stride, (quite obviously just quoting the song and adding nothing to this article).

A shady looking on-looker criticized the dance. “It’s still just a conga.” (He drank alone all night.)

Penelope, a fan of the original, and nightly participant of the new movement said, “They didn’t know about global warming in the 60s. They were just excited that the pill was widely available so everyone was shagging without lambskins.”

While other clubs are catching on, The Blue Spot is ahead of the curve, and enjoying a surge of business. 

Cliven said, “People use personal vehicles from the far reaches of England to come to our place to celebrate environmentalism. It’s just fantastic for the green movement.”

Additional Clinical Trials Cancelled to Fast Track Fast Acting Antidepressant

In a rare twist of caution and complete disregard for pharmaceutical company interests, the FDA approved a close cousin of a club drug from the 80s and 90s, ketamine, (also known as Special K) to treat depression.

Ketamine has been used widely for fifty years as a safer alternative to PCP in operating rooms, on the battlefield, and in pediatric clinics. When it was discovered to produce antidepressant effects, researchers rolled up their sleeves, and snorted some to be certain. Sure enough, the rumors were true.

However, extreme reactions of ketamine range from hallucinations and out of body experiences to the potential for psychotic episodes in those who may be prone.

A new drug called esketamine, derived from the ketamine molecule, is said to share the same potential side effects, but less so, say researchers who do not fully understand how it works.

But the FDA has not let that stop them. They’re eager to let the paying public complete their clinical trials for them.

The FDA opted to forgo a second short-term trial, after esketamine failed two trials; trials that showed the new drug did not out perform a placebo. 

“It’s much cheaper for us if we let regular people pay for something that isn’t well understood. That way we can see the results on unsuspecting idiots. Otherwise, we have to go through a whole long scientific process and stuff, and nobody really knows what that is anyway.”

Defenders of this conscientious decision to skip a more thorough study of the effects of esketamine before hitting the market insist the decision has nothing to do with the global $12 Billion antidepressant industry and the cash that pharmaceutical companies can make at people’s expense.

Many mental health professionals are behind the release of esketamine.

To administer esketamine, one sprays it up one’s nose. A ghastly endeavor; one to be repelled.

“There is absolutely no cause for alarm. This drug will certainly not be abused in any way. People simply won’t go to the trouble to snort something up their nose to alter their experience,” said an anonymous pharmaceutical rep.

“It’s a win-win for us,” said all of the predatory pharmaceutical CEOs in unison as the FDA stood behind them clapping and spraying them with Champage. “Call us on our yachts. Beelzebub is about to sail.”

Profile: The Godfather Cat

LOS ANGELES – When The Godfather was released in 1972, a certain cat experienced a meteoric rise from the runt of the litter to a mega star within a cat nap’s time.

“Meow,” the cat said in an interview shortly after the film’s release. “Meow meow.”

Before filming, the cat was an untrained actor, unfamiliar with life on set. She spent most of her time eating, sleeping, eating some more, and then soiling the litter box to round out the day’s activities.

“Meow.”

Everything changed indeed. Handpicked by Marlon Brando to be featured in the iconic first sequence of the film, she was unknowingly thrust into the spotlight.

“Reouww.”

“She handled it very well, I thought,” said the cat’s chief caretaker. “A lot of cat’s would have gotten their fur all matted.”

One particularly striking aspect of the scene with Mr. Brando was his divided attention. Brando never looked at the cat he was holding and petting. He kept his focus on the other actors.

“At first she was confused,” said the on-set cat servant, “She was being handled, pet, and cuddled, but not with undivided attention. That’s strange for a cat.”

But the experience taught her a valuable lesson in performance. And after the release of the film, she was deemed the Godmother of Film Acting Cats. She held lessons in purring while sleeping, answered queries about how to feel when a human’s attention is divided, acting lessons, and of course, the million and one ways to wake a human from the most sound and comfortable sleep.

“She never did another movie of that caliber,” said the head litter box cleaner. “But she had a lot to offer cats of other generations, and helped open doors for their film careers.”

She also had a lot of kittens.

And thirty-five generations later, an offspring of the Godmother has just landed a starring role in the upcoming film Mars Again.

When asked for comment, the up and coming star simply stated, “Meorrw.” Just like his grandmother of many generations ago.

Artist Insists Her Portrait Be Displayed in the National Portrait Gallery

WASHINGTON – The Smithsonian National Portrait gallery experienced an enormous increase in attendance last year after the addition of portraits for former President Barack Obama and former First Lady Michelle Obama. But perhaps the most unusual incident at the NPG involved a young artist from Chicago, identifying herself only as ‘The Next Artist,’ who arrived carrying a portrait, insisting it be displayed.

“She walked in here,” said a welcome desk attendant, “eyes blazing and all smiles. She said she had something to fill in near the George one.”

By ‘George one’ she meant South Gallery 240 where a portrait of George Washington hangs.

“Then she showed me. It was a portrait of herself. She was wearing the same dress in life and in the portrait, and she was still smiling. She was a very nice person. And a very good artist. And she looked beautiful in her dress in both the portrait and in front of my desk there.”

The Next Artist explained she had come up with an answer to the ‘George Gesture Question.’ As a viewer faces the painting, Washington seems to be offering something off canvas to the left. This gesture, though a staple of portraiture at the time of the painting, has often baffled the public.

One tourist interpreted it figuratively. “He’s gesturing to the new country. ‘Here you go,’ Washington says. ‘Here’s the United States.'”

Other viewers have been less kind. “It looks like he’s practicing a bad rendition of a stupid monologue from Hamlet. I hate art.”

“It was Bill. I was no where near that tree.” said another.

The Next Artist’s claim that Washington could be gesturing to another portrait intrigued the welcome desk attendant.

“Me,” said The Next Artist. “He could be gesturing to a portrait of me. Why not?”

Gallery staff members began to assemble around The Next Artist as they discussed the possibility of her solution. It seemed an engaging artistic possibility. Why not indeed.

Meanwhile tourists were left to their own devices. Some seemed lost and meandered into unpopular gallery rooms for minutes at a time. Security cameras revealed later that others went about, at long last, touching one-of-a-kind portraits with their grubby fingers.

“The paint’s dry,” stated one such delinquent. “I didn’t do anything.”

Finally, Director of the NPG, Kim Sajet, appeared and sent employees back to the their stations.

“Miss Sajet was very nice,” said The Next Artist. She took me out for coffee and told me what she liked about my work. She said they have very specific parameters for their selection process for the NPG, but she appreciated my enthusiasm. She then said she was sure there was a portrait of someone historical and famous gesturing off canvas in the National Portrait Gallery in London, and asked if I’ve tried to display my work there.”

Michael Cohen to House Committee: “I Swear to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Finger-Licking Truth, So Help Me God.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The long-anticipated testimony of Donald Trump’s former attorney and fixer began on Wednesday morning in the capitol as Cohen was sworn in on a menu from a local D.C. Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.

“It’s embarassing,” said Dawn Trumbull of the Capitol Records Department, “but it seems all of the existing Capitol bibles have been checked out to participate in the swearing in of other Trump White House officials currently on trial or testifying before congressional committees.” 

The realization struck the Records Department shortly before Cohen was to appear before Congress when the last Capitol bible was still checked out for the sentencing hearing of Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman.

“We panicked, there’s no doubt about that,” said Trumbull. “The only thing we had on hand were a couple of week-old Washington Posts, the IKEA instruction booklet for my new Ingüvarrr standing desk, and a bunch of takeout menus. Since most of us couldn’t understand the instruction booklet, we went with the takeout menus.”

“The decision then became about which one to use,” said Deputy Administrator Rick Burly. “We believed the P.F. Chang menu sent the wrong message about diversity and inclusion in the United States, and that a Cheesecake Factory menu would seem too flippant and trite. The choice to send the KFC Menu reflects – we believe – the seriousness of intent and demeanor with which the Colonel protects his 11 herbs and spices. It is the perfect symbol to the American people that this witness is prepared to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

Shortly after his testimony began, Mr. Cohen could be seen calling the number on the front of the menu to place an order. There is no word yet on whether he is a wing or thigh person.

Alter Ego Files Unemployment Claim

MINNESOTA – A man’s ego was bruised when his alter ego was charged with unemployment fraud.

Carl T. Shelton has been a road construction worker for thirty of his fifty years, working from early spring to late fall in the town of Elk River, Minnesota, an almost suburb of Minneapolis. Each year, as the weather cools, outdoor construction comes to a halt. Shelton then files for unemployment until his employer calls him back in the spring to restart the cycle.

“It’s part of the trade in these parts of the country. I can pick up work driving a plow sometimes, but I can’t depend on it.”

To pass the time, Shelton drinks and hunts and watches television. He also creates performance art.

“I’ve been doing it since I was sixteen. It’s a hobby, not a living. It’s a way to pass the time. There are only so many football games a person can watch, you know?”

For residents of Elk River, Shelton’s alter ego performance persona, Conc Rete, is a mainstay during the cold months.

“He… or it… is almost always there on the corner by the Circle K,” stated a long time fan. “He has his makeup and strange pads. He jabbers on about something or another and makes ice sculptures. It’s a great treat. We like to watch when we go in for blue slushies.”

Conc Rete has appeared indoors as well, at local talent night masquerades and open mic nights.

“He’s a storyteller,” said John Folsumdum, proprietor of The Stag Tavern. “When we do open mic night he’s always on the list. People love Conc.”

But when the name Conc Rete appeared on an unemployment insurance application this past November, red flags went up.

The unemployment insurance employee who first noticed the overlap (and wishes to remain anonymous because Ben likes to go to The Stag Tavern) said, “Same social security number, same address, but different occupation. It’s the same person no matter what anyone says. I’m a trained professional.”

Ben Graspitt, the anonymous unemployment office employee, then called Shelton, as is procedure. “When Shelton answered the phone, and then put me on hold for Conc Rete, I knew I was on to something. I elevated the complaint to the fraud division.”

Shelton is now facing a hefty fine and in an ironic twist, concrete evidence of fraud.

Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA) Takes Stand in Trial for Illegal Cloning

MILKY WAY GALAXY – Today in the Supreme Intergalactic Court, a familiar snot-like substance present in nearly all living things on Earth took the witness stand in the ongoing illegal cloning trial.

An opening statement by the prosecution last week laid out the charges. “For millennia DNA’s willy-nilly practice of cloning on microscopic levels has affected virtually all life on Earth. And heretofore it has been unregulated. DNA not only clones itself without limit, it clones diseases, allows mutations, you name it. And it’s high space-time this snot-heap cannot continuum it’s activity.”

During questioning, DNA said in its own defense, “I blame Rosalind Franklin and Ray Gosling. Until they took my picture I was doing fine. What you don’t know about, still happens. Don’t be daft.”

Shouts erupted from the gallery at DNA’s remarks. Courtroom attendants were quickly warned they would be held in contempt of science if they did not immediately silence themselves.

The case against DNA gained traction in 1952, on Earth, when Franklin and Gosling captured a crucial image, known as Photograph 51. The photograph later led to the discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA. Earth scientists were then able to make enormous strides in understanding replication. Since then, evidence of the role of DNA and its cloning, especially the nefarious free will and limitless practices, has been well documented. Some molecules consider this the trial of the Big Bang.

Outside the courthouse, protests from three polypeptides strung themselves across the entrance, blocking traffic in or out.

“It’s about time!” Exclaimed one amino acid. “I mean, WTF? DNA gets to do anything it wants? There are a lot of amino acids who are backing me up.”

A group of bacteria that no one else would go near accused DNA of being a spotlight hog. “We all do our bit, and we get very little credit. I’m friends with the Tobacco Mosaic Virus, and ever since that stupid Photograph 51 went viral TMV has had trouble getting experiments. We’re organizing an infection.”

In an attempt to control proceedings, Judge X51ClarusDento ordered the protesting chains to disperse, breaking up both an amino group and a carboxyl group.

The trial was then adjourned for the day, to pay homage to the super moon and its demands for light.

(The Nebulous Observer will stay with this story, following leads on both sides of the helix.)

Woman Succeeds in Defying Platitude With Friend’s Nose

MIAMI – A professional engineer by trade, Dolores Cheryl, revealed herself to also be an outspoken rhyming platitude debunker on Tuesday as she sat obstinately on a public park bench chanting, “yes I can, yes I can,” for the entire lunch hour with her right forefinger firmly up her friend’s nose.

White House Declares National Emergency to Figure Out Who Turned Up the Thermostat

WASHINGTON – The world of Washington politics erupted in shock and outrage on Sunday as the White House declared a national emergency to determine who adjusted the thermostat from 64 to 68 degrees.

“The American people have a right to know who thinks this country is made of money,” said one White House spokesperson. “And when we get to the bottom of this we are going to have a strong conversation about the priorities of this nation.”

Senators and congressional representatives were being rushed from room to room at the Capitol early Monday morning as discussions began about the legality of such a declaration and the ramifications it will have on executive privilege.

“It’s our god-given right to live in a country where we don’t have to wear a sweater and shoes inside,” said Democratic Representative Celia Turnbill. “And this sets a dangerous precedent that the executive branch has license to make any and all decisions about what’s best for this family.”

“The deficit has exploded over the past several years,” began the White House spokesperson. “And the only real solution is to pinch and save where and when we can. We’re going to figure out who went behind this President’s back and they will be punished accordingly.”

At press time, it was revealed that the thermostat was not turned up, but the change in temperature was, in fact, due to global climate change. The White House did not respond to a request for comment.

Reanimated Corpse of Abraham Lincoln Gets Sweet Deal on Toyota Corolla

SPRINGFIELD – The corpse of Abraham Lincoln crawled from its grave on Wednesday, and was greeted by a sweet sweet President’s Day deal on a new 2019 Toyota Corolla.

“Mr. Lincoln came into the dealership around 1:30 p.m., and we were pleased to offer him one of our deepest discounts on a new fuel-efficient Toyota. He drove off with 0% APR for 18 months and a slew of special features that usually aren’t in this model,” said Chip Tolero, a salesman at Mattis Ford and Toyota of Springfield, Illinois.

Mr. Lincoln, famous for the Emancipation Proclamation and for guiding the nation through the darkness of the American Civil War, was pleased that a holiday celebrating his life has morphed into a siren song of capitalism.

“Look at this baby,” said the 16th president, slapping the roof of the car. “I get 33 miles to the gallon. That’s unheard of in a model with this kind of torque and performance. Who knew President’s Day would be such a good time to buy?”

“We are proud to do business with America’s greatest Republican president,” said Tolero.

When asked if commemorating the life and endeavors of Presidents such as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln with discounts on cars was appropriate, Tolero was unfazed.

“It’s what our nation’s great leaders would’ve wanted. I asked Lincoln.”

Model Train Enthusiast Arrested for Railroading in Public

SANTA FE – The New Mexico Rail Runner Express (NMRX) is a commuter rail system serving the metropolitan areas of Albuquerque and Santa Fe, New Mexico. Over the weekend a model train enthusiast named Clive Johannsen was arrested for setting up an N-scale model replica of the NMRX, and surrounding desert, without a permit.

Authorities stated they found Johannsen next to the commuter rail tracks early Saturday, wiring up his model as gleeful children looked on.

“He had a completely realistic scene set up,” said one arresting officer. “It was an exact version of the surroundings. It ran and everything. He even staged a man getting arrested. It was like he knew he was going to get caught.”

One witness was unapologetically satisfied to see Johannnsen pinned to the ground and cuffed. “It’s practically graffiti, and he should be punished. His little toy was obstructing people with something better to do than to play with toys.”

Nearby, a father of two children, and his two children, were inconsolable. “I used to have trains when I was a kid and I would have loved to learn from this guy. Needless to say, he’s a criminal now so I wouldn’t associate with him. It’s sad on so many levels. But his modeling was a work of art. Truly original stuff.”

Johannsen had apparently worked for months to design his models, create the casting molds, paint them, and incorporate the desert surroundings, all to perfect scale.

Gloria Gertrude, a close friend and model tree foliage expert said, “His eye for the smallest nuance was impeccable. He could bring any diorama alive with that rare artist touch.”

The miniature scene was quickly dismantled and carried away in a shoe box to avoid obstructing additional commuters. Johannsen will be formally charged for defacing public property and bringing a bit of unexpected joy to passersby.

Gertrude commented, “I never expected this kind of rogue behavior from Clive. He was always a model to the rest of the model train modelers. I guess he just wasn’t seeing the big picture on this one.”

Man Posts Valentine’s Day Picture of Ex-Girlfriend for #TBT; Present Girlfriend Wasn’t Happy

MENLO PARK – For Roger Shuckem, Thursdays always include posting pictures of days-gone-by on social media accounts, participating in the widely hashtagged “Throwback Thursday,” or #TBT.

This year, however, TBT fell on the very important (not commercial at all) Valentine’s Day.

“I was ready,” Roger said. “I spent over three hundred dollars to celebrate with my girlfriend.”

But when Roger arrived at the upscale restaurant in a rented limo to meet his date, he found a note.

“We’re through. Check Instagram.”

Roger immediately looked at his phone, which he already had in his hand, broadcasting the last five minutes of his life for anyone who had nothing better to do than watch unscripted Roger live his life, and he gasped.

“I posted a TBT pic of my girlfriend. But it was my ex-girlfriend from five years ago.”

He contacted Instagram post haste to blame them for himself being an imbecile, and then called his present girlfriend.

It went to voicemail.

“I guess I have two ex-girlfriends now. I see it as an opportunity to post more stuff about how lame I am with relationships. But I’ll have to wait until next Thursday.”

Roger didn’t throw his plans out the window, however. He enjoyed a very expensive meal at the restaurant alone, and took a rented limo home with a hooker.

United States Government Exports Itself

DUBAI – Fearing another government shutdown, Congress is taking a radical new step to keep the government functioning within a reasonable budget for the first time since the United States ratified its constitution.

The US government is exporting itself overseas.

Congressman Whacko, speaking from an undisclosed foreign land via Skype, stated, “Apple does it. They make great phones sometimes. Why can’t our government do it?  We could pay children less than a living wage to make US policy. Any kind of policy. And I’ll still have my bottle of hooch in the desk drawer.”

Some critics of the proposal are gobsmacked.

“We visit other countries to get away from this one,” said Gene Toranious of Utah. “Other countries have culture. So why would we want to visit another country if our government is manufacturing policy over there? This makes no sense. If this goes through I’m moving to Canada. I hate foreign countries now.”

Still others are in favor.

Vanessa Cliqueon was all smiles. “Maybe I’ll get a tax break. I’m a world thinker. I think I should get a tax break.”

The bill is set to be voted on in the next day or two, depending on who has a date for Valentine’s Day.

Further investigation revealed President Trump is in final negotiations to acquire a hotel made with foreign steel. He plans to erect a wall around the house and then name it a combination of Trump House and The White House.

Early Tuesday he tweeted, “I think The Trite House is what I’ll call this new home for our government. It’s good. GOOD. I’M A GENIUS.”

Nearby Alien Hivemind to Earth: “Shut up for a second.”

ALPHA CENTAURI – The globe is reeling this morning after nearby extra-terrestrials reached out to make contact with our planet. Their first message was brief and succinct.

“Shut up for one second please.” The message read, received as a binary radio communication that was quickly translated by scientists. 

The message continued: “Seriously though, I can’t think with you constantly broadcasting episodes of the Big Bang Theory to every corner of the known universe.”

“Put on some headphones, you monsters. This is a public galaxy.” The message concluded.

“We have no idea what to make of it,” said Dr. Lewis Burke, a scientist with SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). “It’s completely unique. It displays a knowledge of the syntax and sentence structure of our language, and even a passing understanding with colloquialisms. It’s absolutely fascinating.”

Scientists quickly traced the communication and found it was coming from Proxima Centauri b, a large Earth-like planet orbiting in the star’s habitable zone. A response message was broadcast back to the planet, which read: 

“Hello, from the children of planet Earth! We are a peaceful bipedal race of creatures, and we wish to know more about you and your kind!”

After a brief silence, there was a response from the planet.

“Oh my god, what did I just say? Come on, man, we’ve got our own programs we’re trying to watch over here. Keep it down for a few million years, for chrissakes.”

As scientists began composing a reply to the planet, another message came in.

“If you say one more thing, one more thing that isn’t the final season of Game of Thrones, I swear I’m gonna come over there.”

Yoga Class Thrown Into Chaos By Endless Loop of Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

PORTLAND – A Portland hot yoga class devolved into bedlam after the instructor’s phone got stuck playing Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers on repeat over the studio’s speakers.

“It was horrible,” said Natasha Lewis, 26, a regular at “Can’t Bikram? Join ‘Em!” a hot yoga studio in downtown Portland. “It completely threw off my prana.” (Nebulous Observer experts assure us that “prana” is a Hindu word for “life force.”)

Eyewitnesses report that just after the class began at 6:30, instructor Emma Walsh began playing the smooth and upbeat song by the Chili Peppers. After its first play-through, yoga practitioners were startled as the final gravelly notes of lead singer Anthony Kiedis were replaced by the familiar opening electric guitar picking of the same song.

“It felt like a joke at first,” said Paul Reisman, 45, a regular at the studio. “Or like a weird metaphor for focusing on repeating breath and movement. It turned out it was so much worse than that.”

After the second playthrough, yogis all around the room began looking at one another with concerned, sweaty, and pained faces. The instructor didn’t seem phased by second repetition of the song, and continued to instruct the class as though nothing was wrong.

“She just ignored it. ‘Warrior one, open to warrior two, now to reverse triangle.’ She just kept going.” said Reisman. 

“Somewhere near the sixth playthrough I experienced a blissful state of acceptance,” said Anjolie Watson. “It was my third eye center coming into alignment with this arduous, difficult process.” 

“Yes!” said Walsh, the instructor. “I mean yes! Yes, that was my plan all along, of course.”

The studio’s new “Red Hot Chili Peppers-Only class” will be held Wednesdays at 4:15 p.m.

Editorial: Pluto to Nebulous Observer: “Hey – screw you.”

CLEVELAND – In a stunning rebuke to yesterday’s post by this newspaper, the ninth planet Pluto responded in a strongly worded and explicative-laden email that can only be summarized by the above headline.

“Look, we all have good days and bad days,” the 2000 word response began. “And yesterday wasn’t one of my best. But screw you for assuming that’s all there is to my identity.” 

The 4.5 billion year-old planet, previously known for a string of unfortunate political miscalculations and inappropriate comments about ‘men from Mars,’ opened up in a tell-all editorial that summarized billions of years of failed relationships and one-night stands. The Nebulous Observer was fortunate to obtain an in-person interview where the dwarf planet opened up about its past.

“As a small exo-planet, I played ninth fiddle to the rest of those shmucks,” said Pluto, sipping a Maker’s Mark and ginger while nursing a hangover in Cleveland’s Greenhouse Tavern. “I watched while mission after mission went to Mars, and to Jupiter, and even a few to Uranus – that promiscuous idiot. But did one ever come to visit Pluto? No. Not til New Horizons.

At the mention of New Horizons, who many Nebulous Observers may remember was profiled in a January 13th article, Pluto became wistful. As our reporter dug in about this subject, it was clear that there was far more to this relationship than first glance.

“Wouldn’t you feel the same way?” said Pluto when prodded. “This was a new kind of love, a new world was opening up to me. It was amazing. It still is.” Pluto looked around at the decor and earthlings in the restaurant, a small smile forming on its solid nitrogen crust.

“That’s why I came here. That’s why I abandoned my 248 year orbit. To meet you. To know you. To maybe love you – you beautiful idiots.”

After eons of infatuation with our own moon, earthlings were surprised to admit that it was time to start dating outside our own celestial neighborhood. The Nebulous Observer will continue to follow this story of humanity intrigue. 

Disgruntled, Intoxicated Pluto Spotted Orbiting a Neon Sign

CLEVELAND – Astonished and drunk human residents of downtown Cleveland gathered on fourth street to gawk after the bars closed this past weekend. Near an entry to an underground parking garage, a disgruntled and intoxicated Pluto was singing old standards while dancing around a neon sign that said ‘Space Available.’

Pluto enjoyed an astronomical rise to fame in 1930 when it was discovered by Clyde Tombaugh, and deemed the ninth planet in our solar system. Some speculate the Beatles’ “Number 9” was an homage to the heavenly body.

However, following a series of ant-solar system remarks in the latter part of the century, combined with an inability to revolve around the sun in a timely manner (it was given sixty years worth of warnings) Pluto’s status as a planet was thrown into question.

“We had to define ‘planet,'” Clark Dumbar of the International Astronomical Union stated. “It was getting out of hand. All of sudden there were nine planets and it seemed like open enrollment. I was starting to lose count.”

The result came in 2006 with an official reclassification of Pluto from a ‘Planet’ to a ‘Dwarf Planet.’

Dumbar defended the decision. “To some it seems like we minimized Pluto’s importance. But that’s simply not true.”

A close by dwarf planet who wished to remain anonymous said, “Pluto wasn’t the same after that. It’s orbit was erratic. It went into retrograde once. It spent some time hanging out with asteroids. It even dated a comet.”

For some, the reclassification was fair. “Pluto should have never said that about our solar system.” (The Nebulous Observer, following strict ethical guidelines for publication, is unable to print Pluto’s remarks here.)

For others, the decision was nebulous.

Soon, the only known fans of Pluto were its five moons, who continue to orbit it today.

Mars, still coping with rover invasions from Earth, declined to comment.

Halley also had no comet.

~ by Dan Plighter

Young Man Takes Literature Literally

ST. LOUIS – A young man of eighteen read a book the other day. Then he headed west.

“It said,” he said, “Go west young man.”

Clarence Wesky packed up his things and hopped on a bus.

To Washington D.C.

“He was illiterate,” said a teacher of Clarence. He couldn’t spell eether.

by Dan Plighter

Football Fans Emerge from Hole in the Ground, Announce Six More Years of Tom Brady

ATLANTA – Football fans the world over surfaced from their darkened soundproof dens and man caves on Sunday to announce that the world would have to endure six more years of Tom Brady.

“We know it’s upsetting,” said football-prognosticator-in-chief Louis Stevens, 53, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. “But the result is clear. He won another Super Bowl and we’re just gonna have to deal with him for six more years.”

Stevens is referring to the planned retirement of Tom Brady, 41, the quarterback of the New England Patriots. After six Super Bowl championships, the head of the Patriots record-setting offense had announced that he would step down and retire. Those plans seem to be shifting after their big win over the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday.

“Shortly before 8:30 p.m., we heard the clarion call of the Horn of Football Prognosticators,” said Mitchell Dudas, 33, of Belmont, New York. “We sloughed off our oversized flannels and stained hoodies, and we donned the upstanding regalia of the Football Prognosticators.”

Following the Patriots victory, the Prognosticators wiped Doritos dust from their pants and held a press conference to announce that, after it all, it appears that Tom Brady will never retire. 

“We’re stuck with that white toast idiot,” said Frank Dearly, 71, of Burbank, California. “He’s gonna die on that field.”

At publishing time, the Prognosticators had returned to their cold empty man caves to await the start of the next football season.