Man Battles Signs. Wins.

NEW YORK – An elderly man in complete battle regalia was seen challenging sign posts on 125th today, in a quest for greatness. Onlookers gawked as he approached one sign after another, exchanged words, challenged it to a duel, and proceeded to pull out his rapier and fence with the inanimate object. At times, he called out “judgement!” in an apparent need of regulation and gentlemanliness associated with dueling.

However, it was not long before authorities, approaching cautiously, were able to talk the man down.

“I want mutton!” He exclaimed as he sheathed his rapier.

Later, in jail, after paying a fine for fencing in public with a deadly weapon, the man was recorded as saying, “I’m sorry, I know they were sign posts. But I can read the signs. I thought they might become fence posts.”

~ Dan Plighter

Jesus to Christians: “What Part of My Story Made You Think I Like Crosses?”

EARTH – Jesus H. Christ arrived on Earth Sunday morning, deciding now was as good a time as any to judge the living and the dead and to at last bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. Before he could set any of that into motion, he passed by St. Luke’s Episcopal Church on the corner of Centerview and Broadhurst in Oakridge, Illinois.

“Wait a second,” said Jesus. “What is that? Is that me on a cross? What the hell, you guys.”

“What about ‘Do good unto others’ and ‘Clothe the poor, treat the sick, shelter the homeless’ made you think I wanted to be remembered like THAT?” He continued.

Jesus reportedly approached the pastor of St. Luke’s, Father Francis Evans, and instructed him approximately where he could shove that crucifix.

“I heard about all the other messed up stuff you’ve been doing in my name, and we’ll get started on that, but first things first: this crucifix nonsense.”

After the church’s crucifix was removed, the Son of God walked next door into the church’s small gift shop, where his jaw abruptly dropped.

“Jesus Christ…”

Yoga Class Thrown Into Chaos By Endless Loop of Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

PORTLAND – A Portland hot yoga class devolved into bedlam after the instructor’s phone got stuck playing Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers on repeat over the studio’s speakers.

“It was horrible,” said Natasha Lewis, 26, a regular at “Can’t Bikram? Join ‘Em!” a hot yoga studio in downtown Portland. “It completely threw off my prana.” (Nebulous Observer experts assure us that “prana” is a Hindu word for “life force.”)

Eyewitnesses report that just after the class began at 6:30, instructor Emma Walsh began playing the smooth and upbeat song by the Chili Peppers. After its first play-through, yoga practitioners were startled as the final gravelly notes of lead singer Anthony Kiedis were replaced by the familiar opening electric guitar picking of the same song.

“It felt like a joke at first,” said Paul Reisman, 45, a regular at the studio. “Or like a weird metaphor for focusing on repeating breath and movement. It turned out it was so much worse than that.”

After the second playthrough, yogis all around the room began looking at one another with concerned, sweaty, and pained faces. The instructor didn’t seem phased by second repetition of the song, and continued to instruct the class as though nothing was wrong.

“She just ignored it. ‘Warrior one, open to warrior two, now to reverse triangle.’ She just kept going.” said Reisman. 

“Somewhere near the sixth playthrough I experienced a blissful state of acceptance,” said Anjolie Watson. “It was my third eye center coming into alignment with this arduous, difficult process.” 

“Yes!” said Walsh, the instructor. “I mean yes! Yes, that was my plan all along, of course.”

The studio’s new “Red Hot Chili Peppers-Only class” will be held Wednesdays at 4:15 p.m.

Football Fans Emerge from Hole in the Ground, Announce Six More Years of Tom Brady

ATLANTA – Football fans the world over surfaced from their darkened soundproof dens and man caves on Sunday to announce that the world would have to endure six more years of Tom Brady.

“We know it’s upsetting,” said football-prognosticator-in-chief Louis Stevens, 53, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. “But the result is clear. He won another Super Bowl and we’re just gonna have to deal with him for six more years.”

Stevens is referring to the planned retirement of Tom Brady, 41, the quarterback of the New England Patriots. After six Super Bowl championships, the head of the Patriots record-setting offense had announced that he would step down and retire. Those plans seem to be shifting after their big win over the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday.

“Shortly before 8:30 p.m., we heard the clarion call of the Horn of Football Prognosticators,” said Mitchell Dudas, 33, of Belmont, New York. “We sloughed off our oversized flannels and stained hoodies, and we donned the upstanding regalia of the Football Prognosticators.”

Following the Patriots victory, the Prognosticators wiped Doritos dust from their pants and held a press conference to announce that, after it all, it appears that Tom Brady will never retire. 

“We’re stuck with that white toast idiot,” said Frank Dearly, 71, of Burbank, California. “He’s gonna die on that field.”

At publishing time, the Prognosticators had returned to their cold empty man caves to await the start of the next football season.