Roman Sculpture Authenticated

ANCIENT ROME – A sculpture going from a dusty attic to the centerpiece of the Uffizi Gallery in Florence sounds like a fairy tale. But a recent authentication of an ancient Roman statue has brought this fairy tale into living reality-ness.

Crowds gathered to view the newly restored bust. “To be clear, this is not a run-of-the-mill-piece of art,” said curator Bertolucci. “This clearly demonstrates a link between the ancient world and the new. Or relatively new. As you know, two thousand years was a long time ago. Much before the Ferrari.”

The link Bertolucci refers to is the often pondered gap of why the men who brought down Julius Caesar in a governmental blood bath were not immortalized in marble during their lifetimes for their other accomplishments.

“Busts of the famous figures were carved many years later, and augmenting their haircuts for everyone to think that’s how ancient Romans wore their hair. They had running water, but not scissors. Why such hair cuts? It makes no sense,” Bertolucci espoused. “However, these men, judge how you will of what they did to Caesar, they were accomplished Senators and Tribunes and the like in their lifetimes. Why not celebrate this?”

The recently authenticated statue is of Marcus Brutus, reportedly Caesar’s close ally. Found in an attic of an old house, the homeowners contacted the museum.

“It’s unique,” Nardo, the owner said. “I thought we should at least ask.”

Bertolucci glowed as he described the piece. “Interestingly enough, or not, is that Marcus was for Pompey, but when Pompey was killed he aligned himself with Caesar. But what is even more interesting is the action of Brutus in the statue. He is eating a barbecue sandwich.”

People gawked as they examined the statue. Indeed, Marcus Brutus is mid-bite of a large barbecue sandwich with coleslaw.

“I’ve always thought BBQ was an ancient tradition,” claimed a tourist from Memphis, Tennessee. “Now we have proof. But who is this Brutus guy?”

– Dan Plighter

Robert Mueller to Public: “Did you not read my email?”

WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.

“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”

The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.

“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”

Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.

“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.

Nods around the room prompted him to go on.

“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”

Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.

This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.

After Years of Trying to Fix the Subway, Mayor de Blasio to Give Up, Run for President Instead

NEW YORK – New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced on Wednesday that he would join the crowded field of Democrats seeking the 2020 Presidential nomination, after finally giving up trying to repair the aging New York City transit system.

“He just threw his hands up in a meeting with (New York City Transit President) Andy Byford and said ‘That’s it, it’s impossible.,'” mayoral aide Stephanie Howland said. “And he just walked out of the room.”

The mayor’s aides sought to follow him back to his office after his outburst, but the two-term mayor had already barricaded himself inside, launching into a diatribe that could be heard clearly from the hallway.

“‘It’ll never get fixed. Never! We’ve tried everything and nothing’s working,'” one aide quoted from de Blasio’s tirade. The aide went on: “He said, ‘I might as well quit and run for president with how this **** is going.'”

The mayor’s outburst, which included flinging papers and overturning chairs abruptly stopped. The door to his office flew open and he yelled to his staffers outside.

“Get in here, I’ve got an idea.” he said to the crowded group outside the door.

Mayor de Blasio should have no trouble repairing a crumbling, 250 year-old republic of 350 million people after his feeble attempts at fixing a few 100 year-old broken trains.

Bosnian Pine Applies for Immigrant Visa

GREECE – A tree named Adonis, a Bosnian Pine considered by scientists to be the oldest living tree in all of Europe (an astounding 1075 years old) applied for an immigrant visa this morning to… “anywhere but earth.”

The application, made from self produced parchment and discovered by immigration officer Giorgos Papadopoulos, clearly laid out reasoning that baffled scientists worldwide. It said quite simply, “I’m old and I’ve seen a lot, and this isn’t getting any better. I’m a patient tree, but I have limits. I mean, my God, people! Get it together!”

Ken Smack, a researcher from the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research at the University of Arizona heard the news and immediately hopped on a plane to not only find out what is going on, but also to increase his personal carbon footprint by flying all over the world. “This seems to be written by a sentient being. But it’s a tree. So we’re confused.”

In Greece, Greek tree huggers hired their favorite dendrochronologist, Lisa Dater, to date the application.

“Well,” said Dater, “The logos are all correct, and the watermark is accurate. Also there are some water marks from rain, and it rained last night so… we think it was written early this week. It’s definitely genuine.”

The USCIS is still processing the application, apparently trying to find “anywhere but earth.”

~ by Dan Plighter

WWI Disowns Offspring

EARTH – By the end of the Great War in 1918, historians hypothesized the conflagration had given birth to Totalitarianism. Suffering economies had deadlocked reparations. Governments, bitter from sending millions of their own to die for reasons that proved “not very well thought through” were desperate to put the conflict behind them. Humans, being what they were, blamed the Great War.

“I was offended,” said the Great War in a statement. “So I’ve taken matters into my own hands.”

The first step was to change its name. With the outbreak of the second world war, the Great War has since been known as World War One.

And it rested easy in increasing anonymity.

“Europe hasn’t forgotten. But Americans practically don’t know me by now. They’re a forgetful lot. Is there an app for that?”

Unfortunately, Totalitarianism continued to rear its ugly head, consistently claiming WWI was its creator.

“That little brat spoiled everything,” said WWI. “But I am vindicated by the fact that 1939 wasn’t my problem. In fact, many of the same people who fought in my war headed up the next one. So, it was obviously them.”

In a bold move on Monday, World War One issued a statement, officially disowning Totalitarianism and claiming the rightful parents are…

“Humans. What other life form is stupid enough to think of something like that?”

~ by Dan Plighter

Congressman Lowers Expectations

WASHINGTON – Waves rippled through Capitol Hill Wednesday evening when a Soundcloud track of a freshman democratic congressman exposed what was perceived as the politician’s unvarnished strategy. The quote was recorded at a popular, if overly priced, restaurant. The quote, in its entirety, is as follows:

“I’m lowering my expectations. I mean, low. So low that I might flush them. In fact, as soon as I’m done explaining myself I’m going to the toilet to flush them because that’s how  low they’re going. Down the old tubes. Down, down… down down, around in a swirl and down further. Crocodiles can eat my expectations. You know, the crocodiles in the sewer that everyone is scared of? Well, they’re real. Did I ever tell you that time I was a kid and ventured into a big drainage ditch like a quarter mile or something and saw man holes overhead and they were filled with cockroaches? That happened. That was never unearthed during my campaign which shows you how thorough those press people really are, but it happened. I saw cockroaches under manhole covers. Talk about an iron ceiling. Anyway, that’s where my expectations are going. Down there. Cockroaches will look down on my expectations. And then it will all be easier.”

The unknown dining partner asked, “do you mean… expectations that you’ll get to read the Mueller report? Or the next two years of this administration?”

The congressman replied, “I meant for the steak I ordered. What are you talking about?”

The Nebulous Observer, along with all major news organizations of the world, past and present, has been asked to help to identify the identity of the congressman, as well as how he ordered his steak.

~ by Dan Plighter

Michael Cohen to House Committee: “I Swear to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Finger-Licking Truth, So Help Me God.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The long-anticipated testimony of Donald Trump’s former attorney and fixer began on Wednesday morning in the capitol as Cohen was sworn in on a menu from a local D.C. Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.

“It’s embarassing,” said Dawn Trumbull of the Capitol Records Department, “but it seems all of the existing Capitol bibles have been checked out to participate in the swearing in of other Trump White House officials currently on trial or testifying before congressional committees.” 

The realization struck the Records Department shortly before Cohen was to appear before Congress when the last Capitol bible was still checked out for the sentencing hearing of Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman.

“We panicked, there’s no doubt about that,” said Trumbull. “The only thing we had on hand were a couple of week-old Washington Posts, the IKEA instruction booklet for my new Ingüvarrr standing desk, and a bunch of takeout menus. Since most of us couldn’t understand the instruction booklet, we went with the takeout menus.”

“The decision then became about which one to use,” said Deputy Administrator Rick Burly. “We believed the P.F. Chang menu sent the wrong message about diversity and inclusion in the United States, and that a Cheesecake Factory menu would seem too flippant and trite. The choice to send the KFC Menu reflects – we believe – the seriousness of intent and demeanor with which the Colonel protects his 11 herbs and spices. It is the perfect symbol to the American people that this witness is prepared to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

Shortly after his testimony began, Mr. Cohen could be seen calling the number on the front of the menu to place an order. There is no word yet on whether he is a wing or thigh person.

White House Declares National Emergency to Figure Out Who Turned Up the Thermostat

WASHINGTON – The world of Washington politics erupted in shock and outrage on Sunday as the White House declared a national emergency to determine who adjusted the thermostat from 64 to 68 degrees.

“The American people have a right to know who thinks this country is made of money,” said one White House spokesperson. “And when we get to the bottom of this we are going to have a strong conversation about the priorities of this nation.”

Senators and congressional representatives were being rushed from room to room at the Capitol early Monday morning as discussions began about the legality of such a declaration and the ramifications it will have on executive privilege.

“It’s our god-given right to live in a country where we don’t have to wear a sweater and shoes inside,” said Democratic Representative Celia Turnbill. “And this sets a dangerous precedent that the executive branch has license to make any and all decisions about what’s best for this family.”

“The deficit has exploded over the past several years,” began the White House spokesperson. “And the only real solution is to pinch and save where and when we can. We’re going to figure out who went behind this President’s back and they will be punished accordingly.”

At press time, it was revealed that the thermostat was not turned up, but the change in temperature was, in fact, due to global climate change. The White House did not respond to a request for comment.

Reanimated Corpse of Abraham Lincoln Gets Sweet Deal on Toyota Corolla

SPRINGFIELD – The corpse of Abraham Lincoln crawled from its grave on Wednesday, and was greeted by a sweet sweet President’s Day deal on a new 2019 Toyota Corolla.

“Mr. Lincoln came into the dealership around 1:30 p.m., and we were pleased to offer him one of our deepest discounts on a new fuel-efficient Toyota. He drove off with 0% APR for 18 months and a slew of special features that usually aren’t in this model,” said Chip Tolero, a salesman at Mattis Ford and Toyota of Springfield, Illinois.

Mr. Lincoln, famous for the Emancipation Proclamation and for guiding the nation through the darkness of the American Civil War, was pleased that a holiday celebrating his life has morphed into a siren song of capitalism.

“Look at this baby,” said the 16th president, slapping the roof of the car. “I get 33 miles to the gallon. That’s unheard of in a model with this kind of torque and performance. Who knew President’s Day would be such a good time to buy?”

“We are proud to do business with America’s greatest Republican president,” said Tolero.

When asked if commemorating the life and endeavors of Presidents such as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln with discounts on cars was appropriate, Tolero was unfazed.

“It’s what our nation’s great leaders would’ve wanted. I asked Lincoln.”

United States Government Exports Itself

DUBAI – Fearing another government shutdown, Congress is taking a radical new step to keep the government functioning within a reasonable budget for the first time since the United States ratified its constitution.

The US government is exporting itself overseas.

Congressman Whacko, speaking from an undisclosed foreign land via Skype, stated, “Apple does it. They make great phones sometimes. Why can’t our government do it?  We could pay children less than a living wage to make US policy. Any kind of policy. And I’ll still have my bottle of hooch in the desk drawer.”

Some critics of the proposal are gobsmacked.

“We visit other countries to get away from this one,” said Gene Toranious of Utah. “Other countries have culture. So why would we want to visit another country if our government is manufacturing policy over there? This makes no sense. If this goes through I’m moving to Canada. I hate foreign countries now.”

Still others are in favor.

Vanessa Cliqueon was all smiles. “Maybe I’ll get a tax break. I’m a world thinker. I think I should get a tax break.”

The bill is set to be voted on in the next day or two, depending on who has a date for Valentine’s Day.

Further investigation revealed President Trump is in final negotiations to acquire a hotel made with foreign steel. He plans to erect a wall around the house and then name it a combination of Trump House and The White House.

Early Tuesday he tweeted, “I think The Trite House is what I’ll call this new home for our government. It’s good. GOOD. I’M A GENIUS.”

Animal Rights Activists Aim for Fair Game

DOUGLAS COUNTY, WI – Hunters who were looking forward to preying on recently delisted predators in Northern Wisconsin were met with a surprise.

“Wisconsin’s Biggest Coyote Hunting Tournament” takes place each winter, where manly men who indulge in shooting animals – bobcats, coyotes, foxes, mountain lions, wolves, and other species for cash and prizes – gather in lemming-like crowds. These rugged folks, in tune with the outdoors and the natural rhythms of the wilderness, use high powered rifles set on tripods from insulated and heated blinds while drinking beer and cheap whiskey. They then stand around a heap of dead animals, take photos, and show them to their mothers.

Animal rights activists have long protested the practice with little result in policy change.

Now the tables have turned.

An anonymous source stated, “We’re working with puppeteers to create lifelike animals. We wait. When the puppets are shot at, we shoot back.”

The controversial tactic seems to work. No deaths have been reported. However, there has been a slew of phone calls to lawmakers from outraged (and sniveling) participants of the tournaments.

“What did I do? It’s not fair!” is a common phrase heard on the recordings.

Investigators have found abandoned blinds with the heat still on, often spilled food, valuable hunting equipment, all left behind in a hurry. They’re also finding trails of human feces leading from the blinds.

“These hunters are literally sh***ing themselves with fear.”

~ by Dan Plighter

FBI Agents Offer Pro-Bono Services to Arrest Roger Stone

FT LAUDERDALE – FBI agents in the recent indictment and arrest of Roger Stone, long-time associate of Donald Trump, offered their services free of charge, a source said. 

 “Oh yes. Yes yes yes. We definitely did,” said Florida bureau chief Keith Longdale. When pressed on the matter he responded, “We actually asked if there was anything we could do to get this job.”

“I was in at Disney World with my family,” said Kyle Beauchamp, an agent with the Florida bureau, “But I told my daughters ‘nope. It’s time to go. Mickey will be here next time’ and we drove home as fast as I could. There was no way I was going to miss this.”

CNN officials confirmed that in video of the arrest, the giggling in the background is, in fact, the FBI agents in question.

BREAKING NEWS: President Gives Two Weeks Notice to Serve Fast Food

WASHINGTON – Since the government shutdown, the president has been lonely. But when he served fast food to athletes at the White House, he had an inspiration. Earlier today Congress received the President’s two week notice. Via twitter.

“I thought the fast food spread was INCREDIBLE. BEST EVER! I’m giving my notice so I can pursue something I’m qualified to do.”

by Dan Plighter

Concept of Wind Power Blows Wyoming Officials Away

CHEYENNE – Between 2001 and 2017, Wyoming produced most of its electricity from coal. This makes a lot of sense unless you’ve been there. The wind seems to never stop blowing.

As keenly observed by a native of Laramie, “It just blows and blows. And then blows some more. If it were an ocean, you could sail all over Wyoming. But it’s not an ocean, so I guess you can’t.”

Some claim the wind blows in two directions at once.

“Well, all I know is when I drove my brand new truck to the store I had a headwind, and then when I drove my big brand new truck home, I had a headwind. Happens every time.”

The presence of steady wind is a fact of life in Wyoming. But as pressure mounts for more environmentally friendly sources of power, officials are scratching their heads as to how wind power never occurred to them.

“Well…” commented one such expert.

When asked for a follow up comment, he simply tipped his hat, nodded, and walked back to his brand new pickup truck the size of a freighter.

One grassroots advocacy group for wind power, “Just Blow It,” is taking matters into their hands. They’ve set up small windmills and fans all over the prairie to demonstrate how wind power can be effective.

“We produce our own electricity with the windmills to power the fans that blow the windmills to produce electricity. Sometimes groundhogs chew things but we just shoot them. We’re that committed to our environment.”

However, critics of change have nothing good to say about wind power.

One lifelong Wyoming resident said, “If there’s no coal, then what do I fill the Christmas stockings with? How will people develop asthma and other respiratory diseases? Wyoming is cold. We could use some climate change. And anyways, how are people supposed to die of black lung?”

by Dan Plighter

Public Market Wants to Go Private

MILWAUKEE – The beloved Public Market in the Historic Third Ward of downtown Milwaukee proposed late Tuesday afternoon that they go private.

Market marketer, Mark Keter, said “well we have a street car running right by us now. And that’s public. How many things are going to be public around here?”

The market’s proposal includes locking the doors and not selling anything to anyone without a subscription.

“I think it’s a shame,” said long time shopper, Sandy Hopper. “Do I have to have a subscription for a lobster roll now?”

Devers Fontoon, a random pedestrian in a suit had a different point of view. “I’ve never gone in there. If it were privatized and I couldn’t get in, I might want to go. By the way, do they sell bubblegum?”

The controversial proposal is scheduled to be reviewed and promptly disregarded by city officials who are currently on vacation.

by Dan Plighter

Pro-choice Activists Disguised as Pro-life Activists Get in Brawl with Pro-life Activists Disguised as Pro-choice Activists

CINCINNATI – Sparks flew outside a Planned Parenthood clinic in Cincinnati, OH on Thursday, as a group of pro-life advocates clashed with pro-choice counter demonstrators. Not all was as it seemed, however.

“It started innocently enough,” said Julie Yoo, 26, an advocate for a women’s right to choose. “A group of us from [The Ohio State University] got a hold of some posters and made some signs, and went down to the Planned Parenthood to act like rabid pro-life morons. We thought it would be fun to lampoon how ridiculous these people are.”

According to witnesses, Yoo and six of her friends gathered with pro-life demonstrators shortly after 3:00 pm, starting wild chants and shouting obscenities at the men and women that were visiting the Cincinnati clinic. Their passion and commitment didn’t take long to spread through the group of twenty or so protesters, and soon, the crowd was riled up.

“We heard about [pro-life protesters] over in Springdale, and a few of us from the veteran’s hall thought it would be a hoot to go down there and stir ‘em up a little,” said Robert Cipriani, 54, an auto mechanic. “It was a slow day I guess. I grabbed a few flannel shirts from my son’s closet, and a couple of rap-looking hats, and a bunch of us went down there.”

Around 4:45 Cipriani and four friends arrived, quickly identifying the pro-choice counter protesters across the parking lot of the clinic’s Springdale campus.

“It weren’t hard to pick ‘em out. They were the ones lookin’ fit to burn their bras.”

The five men joined the demonstrators, and likewise began to whip the crowd into a bit of a furor. It didn’t take long, and the vitriol being slung from across the parking lot was enough to tip the afternoon over the edge.

“It was mayhem,” said Owen Jones, 22, a pro-choice demonstrator. “Those pro- life people flipped over their barricade and starting charging us. Some of us ran, but even more were looking for a fight.”

“It was fun until that moment,” said Julie Yoo. “I don’t know who started running towards them, but none of us flinched in joining in. It was out of control.” Yoo, sporting a black eye, says she has no regrets in doing what she did. “They’re a bunch of violent animals, I think we proved that.”

Robert Cipriani echoed Yoo’s sentiments. “Those pro-choice snowflakes had it coming to ‘em and more. I think we proved how unhinged and fascist these people can be.”

Eleven people reported injuries in the brawl; all of whom are expected to make a full recovery.

by Pembry Cornish

BREAKING NEWS – White House Staffers Consult Casting Agency

WASHINGTON – Following another failed attempt at reaching any kind of agreement to end the government shutdown, two White House staff members (who wish to remain anonymous) consulted a New York casting agency (who also wishes to remain anonymous) in search of an actor who can act like a president.

“He stormed out of the room and then tweeted. People’s lives are at stake and he’s on his cell phone.”

The White House staff members then huddled in a corner and brainstormed.

“The idea came from a trip to the theater over the holidays. When we talked about the quality of the performances, we went down this rabbit hole of what it means to do a good job. We decided to do something drastic.”

The staff members are in discussions with congress to facilitate a casting session in the next week. There will be a script provided, but the right actor will need to be able to improvise, and deal with CNN.

“Our next option is to hire a preschool teacher to come and talk with the president and congress to explore what it means to listen.”

by Dan Plighter

Government Shutdown… Permanent

WASHINGTON – Heading into a third week of partial government shutdown, US President and a newly diverse congress have released a report showing how much more efficient the government is when it is not working. At all.

The result? They’re shutting down permanently.

“It’s like a car that’s off. It uses less gas. You know? GREAT.”

Ensuring their own offspring has all they need for the rest of their lives, members of Congress siphoned remaining funds into their own investment accounts in a rare show of honesty. Previously, when corruption and negligence were marks against public servants, such greed was covert.

“It’s wonderful,” said a newly elected congressman. “I got into politics for a good retirement. Now it’s come so quickly. I really lucked out. I’m really glad I ran for Congress and won.”

Critics have pointed out that medical care, transportation, and well… most of the country will suffer without at least partial government help.

“That’s not our problem anymore,” responded another member of congress who requested anonymity. “The American people should have thought of that and won congressional seats themselves if they wanted the good life.”

Since the news broke of a complete and permanent shutdown, gun sales have soared. “Well there aren’t any pesky constitutional rights to argue about anymore,” said one salesman. “And I’m swimming in money anyway so I’m all set.”

Demonstrations took place in many major metropoliseseses. The main question in the air now seems to be: if we are not governed as the United States of America, then who are we?

by Dan Plighter