Bosnian Pine Applies for Immigrant Visa

GREECE – A tree named Adonis, a Bosnian Pine considered by scientists to be the oldest living tree in all of Europe (an astounding 1075 years old) applied for an immigrant visa this morning to… “anywhere but earth.”

The application, made from self produced parchment and discovered by immigration officer Giorgos Papadopoulos, clearly laid out reasoning that baffled scientists worldwide. It said quite simply, “I’m old and I’ve seen a lot, and this isn’t getting any better. I’m a patient tree, but I have limits. I mean, my God, people! Get it together!”

Ken Smack, a researcher from the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research at the University of Arizona heard the news and immediately hopped on a plane to not only find out what is going on, but also to increase his personal carbon footprint by flying all over the world. “This seems to be written by a sentient being. But it’s a tree. So we’re confused.”

In Greece, Greek tree huggers hired their favorite dendrochronologist, Lisa Dater, to date the application.

“Well,” said Dater, “The logos are all correct, and the watermark is accurate. Also there are some water marks from rain, and it rained last night so… we think it was written early this week. It’s definitely genuine.”

The USCIS is still processing the application, apparently trying to find “anywhere but earth.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Cthulhu to Humanity: “Nah, you got this.”

MEDITERRANEAN – Shortly before 1:00 p.m. local time on Sunday, a massive creature, roughly the size of the island of Manhattan, with a vaguely humanoid body and an octopoid face, rose from the depths of the Mediterranean Sea to completely and utterly destroy the human race.

After breaching with a bellowing roar that shattered windows as far away as London, the beast took stock of the creatures that stood in its path. It thrashed and flailed, causing tsunamis in mainland Italy and Greece. It scattered boats that laid in its path, capsizing many. Then – abruptly – it stopped. 

“What….?” It said in a deep echoing boom. “What the hell have you people done? Look at this place!” 

The massive creature began gesturing wildly at the arctic ice caps.

“Holy hell! Look at those! The last time I raged and stampeded, they were one hundred times bigger – easily!”

It turned its eyes heavenward, examining the atmosphere of the planet.

“What have you done to the ozone layer!? Look what you’ve DONE to the ozone layer!”

The rampaging beast Cthulhu spun around, marveling at how dire the environmental health of the Earth had become. Lost for words, it dropped its massive arms and exhaled deeply.

“You know what, you guys. Nevermind. You got this.”

Cthulhu then took a wide turn and began sinking back into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean just beyond the coast of Spain. It turned back one last time.

“Jesus, y’all. I was ready to boil the oceans and rain fire from the skies, but this is WAY better than anything I could’ve come up with. Carry on.”

It slowly dipped back into the ocean, raising both middle fingers to the Earth. Its last words echoed through the air as it disappeared.

“Good luck, you monsters.”

Profile: The Godfather Cat

LOS ANGELES – When The Godfather was released in 1972, a certain cat experienced a meteoric rise from the runt of the litter to a mega star within a cat nap’s time.

“Meow,” the cat said in an interview shortly after the film’s release. “Meow meow.”

Before filming, the cat was an untrained actor, unfamiliar with life on set. She spent most of her time eating, sleeping, eating some more, and then soiling the litter box to round out the day’s activities.

“Meow.”

Everything changed indeed. Handpicked by Marlon Brando to be featured in the iconic first sequence of the film, she was unknowingly thrust into the spotlight.

“Reouww.”

“She handled it very well, I thought,” said the cat’s chief caretaker. “A lot of cat’s would have gotten their fur all matted.”

One particularly striking aspect of the scene with Mr. Brando was his divided attention. Brando never looked at the cat he was holding and petting. He kept his focus on the other actors.

“At first she was confused,” said the on-set cat servant, “She was being handled, pet, and cuddled, but not with undivided attention. That’s strange for a cat.”

But the experience taught her a valuable lesson in performance. And after the release of the film, she was deemed the Godmother of Film Acting Cats. She held lessons in purring while sleeping, answered queries about how to feel when a human’s attention is divided, acting lessons, and of course, the million and one ways to wake a human from the most sound and comfortable sleep.

“She never did another movie of that caliber,” said the head litter box cleaner. “But she had a lot to offer cats of other generations, and helped open doors for their film careers.”

She also had a lot of kittens.

And thirty-five generations later, an offspring of the Godmother has just landed a starring role in the upcoming film Mars Again.

When asked for comment, the up and coming star simply stated, “Meorrw.” Just like his grandmother of many generations ago.

Animal Rights Activists Aim for Fair Game

DOUGLAS COUNTY, WI – Hunters who were looking forward to preying on recently delisted predators in Northern Wisconsin were met with a surprise.

“Wisconsin’s Biggest Coyote Hunting Tournament” takes place each winter, where manly men who indulge in shooting animals – bobcats, coyotes, foxes, mountain lions, wolves, and other species for cash and prizes – gather in lemming-like crowds. These rugged folks, in tune with the outdoors and the natural rhythms of the wilderness, use high powered rifles set on tripods from insulated and heated blinds while drinking beer and cheap whiskey. They then stand around a heap of dead animals, take photos, and show them to their mothers.

Animal rights activists have long protested the practice with little result in policy change.

Now the tables have turned.

An anonymous source stated, “We’re working with puppeteers to create lifelike animals. We wait. When the puppets are shot at, we shoot back.”

The controversial tactic seems to work. No deaths have been reported. However, there has been a slew of phone calls to lawmakers from outraged (and sniveling) participants of the tournaments.

“What did I do? It’s not fair!” is a common phrase heard on the recordings.

Investigators have found abandoned blinds with the heat still on, often spilled food, valuable hunting equipment, all left behind in a hurry. They’re also finding trails of human feces leading from the blinds.

“These hunters are literally sh***ing themselves with fear.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Double-Checking Notes, Nostradamus Announces “This Is It”

PROVENCE – Shocking news out of Provence this morning as noted deceased French seer Nostradamus abruptly announced that the End Times had come.

“This is the big one,” he was quoted as saying. “The Whopper. The Big Kahuna. I’ve checked and re-checked the math on it, and I’m a hundred [percent].”

Nostradamus, the renowned physician and cryptic seer, is known for his obscure predictions that have been attributed to everything from the 9/11 terrorist attacks to the rise of Adolf Hitler. His latest prediction was printed in French newspapers overnight, and simply reads:

The world is about to end, y’all.

This newest prognostication is currently wreaking havoc on the global markets, and violence and looting have become widespread across most of the globe. Following the seer’s prediction, many world leaders had gone into hiding in bunkers around the globe. The Nebulous Observer caught up with some of the rioters.

“I think it’s great,” said Susan Bruckner, 44, a yoga instructor. “We can finally cast off any pretense about our world slowly dying and finally get around to it.” Bruckner promptly threw a flaming beer bottle full of gasoline through a convenience store window. “It’s nice to know who you really are, ya know?”

“I’m not ready,” said Bryan Mitchell, 22, a college student. “I was in the middle of finishing up a huge project for an independent study. I’ve hardly done any packing.” Mitchell had no response when asked what he was packing for.

“Look – we all knew this was coming,” said Nostradamus, sipping a steaming mug of cocoa. “I just sped things along a bit to cut out all the suffering. Is that so wrong?”

At press time, the author Pembry Cornish was seen running through the streets of downtown Minneapolis in his birthday suit while carrying a torch, his face painted with the blood of an indeterminate animal.

DNR Employee Finds Man with DNR Order

WISCONSIN – An ordinary land inspection by Department of Natural Resources (DNR) employee Roland Tukpee turned into an extraordinary one for the thirty-five year veteran of the organization.

Part of Tukpee’s job includes regular inspections of privately owned rural land to ensure owners are maintaining grounds according to contractual standards.

Last Thursday, while conducting a regular inspection, Tukpee found a man on the ground.

“He was old and he was just lying there. Keeled over. He had a half eaten bologna sandwich. I guess he was having a picnic or something.”

Tukpee went to check on the fallen man and discovered a DNR Order in his vest.

“I was in a quandary. I thought I was the only DNR employee on duty for that property that day.”

Tukpee proceeded to administer CPR, successfully revived the elderly man, and contacted emergency services. The man is recovering in the hospital.

“I did the decent thing. I’m no hero.”

Tukpee then finished the bologna sandwich and continued his inspection.

by Dan Plighter

Concept of Wind Power Blows Wyoming Officials Away

CHEYENNE – Between 2001 and 2017, Wyoming produced most of its electricity from coal. This makes a lot of sense unless you’ve been there. The wind seems to never stop blowing.

As keenly observed by a native of Laramie, “It just blows and blows. And then blows some more. If it were an ocean, you could sail all over Wyoming. But it’s not an ocean, so I guess you can’t.”

Some claim the wind blows in two directions at once.

“Well, all I know is when I drove my brand new truck to the store I had a headwind, and then when I drove my big brand new truck home, I had a headwind. Happens every time.”

The presence of steady wind is a fact of life in Wyoming. But as pressure mounts for more environmentally friendly sources of power, officials are scratching their heads as to how wind power never occurred to them.

“Well…” commented one such expert.

When asked for a follow up comment, he simply tipped his hat, nodded, and walked back to his brand new pickup truck the size of a freighter.

One grassroots advocacy group for wind power, “Just Blow It,” is taking matters into their hands. They’ve set up small windmills and fans all over the prairie to demonstrate how wind power can be effective.

“We produce our own electricity with the windmills to power the fans that blow the windmills to produce electricity. Sometimes groundhogs chew things but we just shoot them. We’re that committed to our environment.”

However, critics of change have nothing good to say about wind power.

One lifelong Wyoming resident said, “If there’s no coal, then what do I fill the Christmas stockings with? How will people develop asthma and other respiratory diseases? Wyoming is cold. We could use some climate change. And anyways, how are people supposed to die of black lung?”

by Dan Plighter

After Millenia, Window Closes

SEA OF CORTEZ – Tensions in the Northern Hemisphere reached a new climax last week when the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean decided to meet no more.

The result?

The Arch of Cabo San Lucas, known to locals as the “Window” will undergo a permanent closing process. Erosion is slated to continue immediately.

However, a source who works near the Window was unable to say when it might close altogether. “It could be a while. I mean, it’s been open for a while. It could be a while. I mean… a while.”

It is unclear why the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean decided not to meet again. It throws into question the future of the tourist industry, which now seems murky.

“People sail down here. How are they going to get from the Sea to the Ocean, or the other way, if the two don’t meet no more?”

Many locals showed their remorse for the breakdown in relations by swimming, snorkeling, taking water taxis out to view sea lions basking on rocks and barking incessantly from their smelly perch, and just about anything else to distract themselves from the grief they felt.

“It’s a shame,” said one tourist. “That window was always so clean. You could like… see right through it… like it was open or something.”

by Dan Plighter