Surge in Subscribers Forces Journalistic Self-Destruction

NEBULOUS HEADQUARTERS – The Nebulous Observer has announced that they will be shuttering their doors due to a recent exponential surge in subscribers and readership.

“We’re really hot right now,” said Editor-in-Chief, and founder of the award dodging journal, Dan Plighter. “And because of our popularity, we simply cannot keep pace with satirical observations of our world. We will close our doors and let humanity satirize its own existence by… well, by making one stupid decision after another.”

Letters and emails and tweets and facebook messages and Marco Polos and Snap Chats and TikToks and messenger pigeons inundated the NO offices following the announcement Dan made in his living room, alone, with no one to hear him.

“I guess I must have published something,” he said from a tangle of charging cords nursing drained devices. “I’m not sure how our millions of adoring fans found out otherwise. An investigation is underway.”

Pembry Cornish, long time Culture and Political correspondent for the Nebulous Observer, was reached aboard his mega-yacht in Sydney Harbor.

“Oh, that little paper?” he chortled when asked for comment. “No no, I sold my shares in that venture when the getting was good. I write Rudy Giuliani’s press releases now, baby!” He raised his champagne flute in a toast, to which the crew of the RMS Petroshenko cheered.

Cornish leaned back in his seat, an olive tan handsomely contrasting the snow-white searsucker suit he was wearing.

“Sure, it’s soulless work, but that’s why I try to get as much Vitamin D as possible. Another four months here and then we’re off for Martinique. Please send Dan [Plighter] my best, won’t you?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway,” said Plighter. “What does?”

Editorial: Pluto to Nebulous Observer: “Hey – screw you.”

CLEVELAND – In a stunning rebuke to yesterday’s post by this newspaper, the ninth planet Pluto responded in a strongly worded and explicative-laden email that can only be summarized by the above headline.

“Look, we all have good days and bad days,” the 2000 word response began. “And yesterday wasn’t one of my best. But screw you for assuming that’s all there is to my identity.” 

The 4.5 billion year-old planet, previously known for a string of unfortunate political miscalculations and inappropriate comments about ‘men from Mars,’ opened up in a tell-all editorial that summarized billions of years of failed relationships and one-night stands. The Nebulous Observer was fortunate to obtain an in-person interview where the dwarf planet opened up about its past.

“As a small exo-planet, I played ninth fiddle to the rest of those shmucks,” said Pluto, sipping a Maker’s Mark and ginger while nursing a hangover in Cleveland’s Greenhouse Tavern. “I watched while mission after mission went to Mars, and to Jupiter, and even a few to Uranus – that promiscuous idiot. But did one ever come to visit Pluto? No. Not til New Horizons.

At the mention of New Horizons, who many Nebulous Observers may remember was profiled in a January 13th article, Pluto became wistful. As our reporter dug in about this subject, it was clear that there was far more to this relationship than first glance.

“Wouldn’t you feel the same way?” said Pluto when prodded. “This was a new kind of love, a new world was opening up to me. It was amazing. It still is.” Pluto looked around at the decor and earthlings in the restaurant, a small smile forming on its solid nitrogen crust.

“That’s why I came here. That’s why I abandoned my 248 year orbit. To meet you. To know you. To maybe love you – you beautiful idiots.”

After eons of infatuation with our own moon, earthlings were surprised to admit that it was time to start dating outside our own celestial neighborhood. The Nebulous Observer will continue to follow this story of humanity intrigue. 

WANTED: Cartoons!

The Nebulous Observer is a 104% independently run publication dedicated to humor, satire, different perspectives, and the unusually ridiculously absurd. We have no limits to our subject matter, but we do keep it mostly clean. Less is more in our view. We write articles to make ourselves laugh. That is the goal, pure and pimple.

We are in search of cartoons! We’re looking for artists who have a sense of humor, attention to detail, and reverence for the ridiculous. We want artists who simply want to make us, and themselves, laugh. We want 103% original cartoons.

So… if you are interested in being considered to have your political, humorous, insightful, satirical, strange, off-the-wall, unexpected cartoons published on the extremely popular Nebulous Observer website, Instagram, and Twitter, please submit 105% original cartoons directly to us on the form below. (You have our word we will not publish without your explicit permission.)

Think about it.

Make yourself laugh.

Send us something original.

We can’t wait.

~ The Editing Team at The Nebulous Observer

From the Editor

“These are the Headlines, Folks”

Our motto. Our mantra. Our reality.

Welcome to the Nebulous Observer. We hope we will be your source for up to the month news from around the world. Our small but mighty circulation will never fail to be discreet; so much so that you may not be able to find a copy. Please keep trying.

Our journal, like the penguin, was never meant to take off. And like said penguin, we intend to waddle around in the cold and sit on our own feet as we bring news in its most immediate and desired form: print.

In these nebulous times, we look for something to grab on to.

by Dan Plighter, Editor in Chief of The NO