Model Train Enthusiast Arrested for Railroading in Public

SANTA FE – The New Mexico Rail Runner Express (NMRX) is a commuter rail system serving the metropolitan areas of Albuquerque and Santa Fe, New Mexico. Over the weekend a model train enthusiast named Clive Johannsen was arrested for setting up an N-scale model replica of the NMRX, and surrounding desert, without a permit.

Authorities stated they found Johannsen next to the commuter rail tracks early Saturday, wiring up his model as gleeful children looked on.

“He had a completely realistic scene set up,” said one arresting officer. “It was an exact version of the surroundings. It ran and everything. He even staged a man getting arrested. It was like he knew he was going to get caught.”

One witness was unapologetically satisfied to see Johannnsen pinned to the ground and cuffed. “It’s practically graffiti, and he should be punished. His little toy was obstructing people with something better to do than to play with toys.”

Nearby, a father of two children, and his two children, were inconsolable. “I used to have trains when I was a kid and I would have loved to learn from this guy. Needless to say, he’s a criminal now so I wouldn’t associate with him. It’s sad on so many levels. But his modeling was a work of art. Truly original stuff.”

Johannsen had apparently worked for months to design his models, create the casting molds, paint them, and incorporate the desert surroundings, all to perfect scale.

Gloria Gertrude, a close friend and model tree foliage expert said, “His eye for the smallest nuance was impeccable. He could bring any diorama alive with that rare artist touch.”

The miniature scene was quickly dismantled and carried away in a shoe box to avoid obstructing additional commuters. Johannsen will be formally charged for defacing public property and bringing a bit of unexpected joy to passersby.

Gertrude commented, “I never expected this kind of rogue behavior from Clive. He was always a model to the rest of the model train modelers. I guess he just wasn’t seeing the big picture on this one.”

Man Posts Valentine’s Day Picture of Ex-Girlfriend for #TBT; Present Girlfriend Wasn’t Happy

MENLO PARK – For Roger Shuckem, Thursdays always include posting pictures of days-gone-by on social media accounts, participating in the widely hashtagged “Throwback Thursday,” or #TBT.

This year, however, TBT fell on the very important (not commercial at all) Valentine’s Day.

“I was ready,” Roger said. “I spent over three hundred dollars to celebrate with my girlfriend.”

But when Roger arrived at the upscale restaurant in a rented limo to meet his date, he found a note.

“We’re through. Check Instagram.”

Roger immediately looked at his phone, which he already had in his hand, broadcasting the last five minutes of his life for anyone who had nothing better to do than watch unscripted Roger live his life, and he gasped.

“I posted a TBT pic of my girlfriend. But it was my ex-girlfriend from five years ago.”

He contacted Instagram post haste to blame them for himself being an imbecile, and then called his present girlfriend.

It went to voicemail.

“I guess I have two ex-girlfriends now. I see it as an opportunity to post more stuff about how lame I am with relationships. But I’ll have to wait until next Thursday.”

Roger didn’t throw his plans out the window, however. He enjoyed a very expensive meal at the restaurant alone, and took a rented limo home with a hooker.

Nearby Alien Hivemind to Earth: “Shut up for a second.”

ALPHA CENTAURI – The globe is reeling this morning after nearby extra-terrestrials reached out to make contact with our planet. Their first message was brief and succinct.

“Shut up for one second please.” The message read, received as a binary radio communication that was quickly translated by scientists. 

The message continued: “Seriously though, I can’t think with you constantly broadcasting episodes of the Big Bang Theory to every corner of the known universe.”

“Put on some headphones, you monsters. This is a public galaxy.” The message concluded.

“We have no idea what to make of it,” said Dr. Lewis Burke, a scientist with SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). “It’s completely unique. It displays a knowledge of the syntax and sentence structure of our language, and even a passing understanding with colloquialisms. It’s absolutely fascinating.”

Scientists quickly traced the communication and found it was coming from Proxima Centauri b, a large Earth-like planet orbiting in the star’s habitable zone. A response message was broadcast back to the planet, which read: 

“Hello, from the children of planet Earth! We are a peaceful bipedal race of creatures, and we wish to know more about you and your kind!”

After a brief silence, there was a response from the planet.

“Oh my god, what did I just say? Come on, man, we’ve got our own programs we’re trying to watch over here. Keep it down for a few million years, for chrissakes.”

As scientists began composing a reply to the planet, another message came in.

“If you say one more thing, one more thing that isn’t the final season of Game of Thrones, I swear I’m gonna come over there.”

Young Man Takes Literature Literally

ST. LOUIS – A young man of eighteen read a book the other day. Then he headed west.

“It said,” he said, “Go west young man.”

Clarence Wesky packed up his things and hopped on a bus.

To Washington D.C.

“He was illiterate,” said a teacher of Clarence. He couldn’t spell eether.

by Dan Plighter

Buzzfeed News Announces New Subscription Service

NEW YORK – Buzzfeed News, the reporting wing of the popular internet website known for listicles, quizzes, and other pop culture articles announced this week that they would be rolling out a new subscription service.

“Well, right now we’re calling it ‘News at Your Door’, and we’re thrilled to bring it to a select group of cities beginning in Spring of 2019, and hopefully to a larger market by the end of the year.” said Buzzfeed News spokesperson Emily Richfield.

The new subscription service offers customers a paper copy of Buzzfeed News’ daily digest of articles, organized onto a recyclable black-and-white bifold sheet delivered every morning to the customer’s front door.

“In a world where organizations are expanding more and more into the mobile and desktop markets, Buzzfeed News is doing something radical: they’re expanding into a physical market. This is a game-changer.” said Hailey Steenberg, an editor with the Washington Post.

As part of this reporting, Buzzfeed News sent us a beta copy of their ‘news at your door’ service. The test copy was folded neatly into thirds, and was stuffed into a waterproof poly-vinyl bag. As we opened it, we were greeted by a large headline detailing the recent re-opening of the government along with a color photo of the president with congressional leaders. The beta copy had several articles which began on the front page, but quickly re-directed us deeper into the bifold to continue reading.

As they develop, Buzzfeed has said they are looking forward to feedback from their customers about the branding and naming of the service. “We’re workshopping ideas for the full roll-out,” said Richfield. “Some options we’ve beent testing are Buzzfeed IRL (an acronym which stands for ‘in real life’), Buzzfeed Home, and Buzzfeed for You. Our real favorite though, is simple: Paper News.”

Animal Rights Activists Aim for Fair Game

DOUGLAS COUNTY, WI – Hunters who were looking forward to preying on recently delisted predators in Northern Wisconsin were met with a surprise.

“Wisconsin’s Biggest Coyote Hunting Tournament” takes place each winter, where manly men who indulge in shooting animals – bobcats, coyotes, foxes, mountain lions, wolves, and other species for cash and prizes – gather in lemming-like crowds. These rugged folks, in tune with the outdoors and the natural rhythms of the wilderness, use high powered rifles set on tripods from insulated and heated blinds while drinking beer and cheap whiskey. They then stand around a heap of dead animals, take photos, and show them to their mothers.

Animal rights activists have long protested the practice with little result in policy change.

Now the tables have turned.

An anonymous source stated, “We’re working with puppeteers to create lifelike animals. We wait. When the puppets are shot at, we shoot back.”

The controversial tactic seems to work. No deaths have been reported. However, there has been a slew of phone calls to lawmakers from outraged (and sniveling) participants of the tournaments.

“What did I do? It’s not fair!” is a common phrase heard on the recordings.

Investigators have found abandoned blinds with the heat still on, often spilled food, valuable hunting equipment, all left behind in a hurry. They’re also finding trails of human feces leading from the blinds.

“These hunters are literally sh***ing themselves with fear.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Double-Checking Notes, Nostradamus Announces “This Is It”

PROVENCE – Shocking news out of Provence this morning as noted deceased French seer Nostradamus abruptly announced that the End Times had come.

“This is the big one,” he was quoted as saying. “The Whopper. The Big Kahuna. I’ve checked and re-checked the math on it, and I’m a hundred [percent].”

Nostradamus, the renowned physician and cryptic seer, is known for his obscure predictions that have been attributed to everything from the 9/11 terrorist attacks to the rise of Adolf Hitler. His latest prediction was printed in French newspapers overnight, and simply reads:

The world is about to end, y’all.

This newest prognostication is currently wreaking havoc on the global markets, and violence and looting have become widespread across most of the globe. Following the seer’s prediction, many world leaders had gone into hiding in bunkers around the globe. The Nebulous Observer caught up with some of the rioters.

“I think it’s great,” said Susan Bruckner, 44, a yoga instructor. “We can finally cast off any pretense about our world slowly dying and finally get around to it.” Bruckner promptly threw a flaming beer bottle full of gasoline through a convenience store window. “It’s nice to know who you really are, ya know?”

“I’m not ready,” said Bryan Mitchell, 22, a college student. “I was in the middle of finishing up a huge project for an independent study. I’ve hardly done any packing.” Mitchell had no response when asked what he was packing for.

“Look – we all knew this was coming,” said Nostradamus, sipping a steaming mug of cocoa. “I just sped things along a bit to cut out all the suffering. Is that so wrong?”

At press time, the author Pembry Cornish was seen running through the streets of downtown Minneapolis in his birthday suit while carrying a torch, his face painted with the blood of an indeterminate animal.

Unknown Actor Affronted on Mexican Beach

CABO SAN LUCAS – A stage actor of no notoriety (he works in regional theater) was insulted under palapa twelve  at the popular Club Cascadas in Cabo San Lucas. Witnesses to the indignity said it ruined their blended margaritas.

“I could barely taste the lime after that. I had to go buy sunglasses from a beach merchant to clear my head.”

Multiple reports of the incident have been pieced together from corroborating accounts of the trauma. Here are the facts: The unknown stage actor relayed a story about a recent project he’d been involved in that also involved a well known TV and film actor. In his excitement, the unknown actor misused the word “contingency,” when he should have said “contingent.” The listener let the unknown actor finish his story, and without any other comment, corrected the unknown actor’s use of vocabulary.

One earwitness said, “That’s the kind of thing strangers don’t do. It had to be a family thing. I don’t think they should bring their family conflict down here to Mexico. There are already cartels.”

Another commented, “It offended the actor, but he should learn English more proper.”

The listener, with a perfect vocabulary, then proceeded to talk about himself.

“He was an insurance agent. We all fell asleep listening to his snoozer stories.”

Other vacationers ducking out of the cold winter months of the US to find solace on the warm beaches of Mexico were unaware of tumult under the nearby palapa. The vendors trundling up and down the beach also had no idea of the family rift. They continued to sell their wares and their drugs. And Americans continued to buy them.

It is unknown whether the unknown actor has any upcoming prominent roles to brag about. Or if he will ever be known.

Or if he has a dictionary.

Dan Plighter is a cultural phenomenon, writing about cultural phenomenononon.

Citing Rising Healthcare Costs, Millennials Ditch Smartphones in Favor of Comprehensive Coverage

USA – A 2018 Brookings Institute study of United States citizens and healthcare coverage found that a growing number of 25-40 year-olds have begun sacrificing their smart phones for a more inclusive coverage plan.

In 2017, the Institute found that 87% of Americans aged 25-40 owned or intended to purchase a smartphone within the coming three months. This was a trend visible for the past five years across the United States. All of that changed in 2018, however.

“I just think it’s time for me to be more conscientious of my health,” said Tori Reynolds, 31, a vet tech in Tuscaloosa. “I have a life partner now, and if I got sick I wouldn’t know what would happen. It’s scary.” Reynolds recently sold her iPhone XS on eBay to a customer in Bangkok. She proudly showed off her new Nokia flip phone. “It’s crazy to think that I can now afford dental and vision without that thing. I’m never looking back.”

Reynolds is just one on the growing millions of millennials who have decided that their smart phone, while being a useful tool in every day life, is no match for excellent health. The rising cost of coverage in the United States has pushed this generation over the brink, and they’re not looking back.

“I got new glasses,” said James L. Harper, 34, a librarian in suburban Detroit. “Look at these bad boys. I can see that street sign over there now. Before this, all I had was that Samsung Galaxy and blurry vision. I’m so happy.”

The trend of millennials being forward-thinking and into their long-term health is unexpected, and economists are concerned that the smartphone market shrinking could be costly to manufacturers like Apple and Samsung.

“It’s like Rep. Jason Chaffetz said,” quoted Tori Reynolds, referencing a 2017 CNN interview with the former Utah congressman. “We’re giving up these things we ‘just love’ in favor of our future. He was right all along.”

by Pembry Cornish

Stranded Airplane Offers Rare Glimpse Into Early Societal Development

DETROIT – Severe weather across the midwest on Tuesday forced the closing of airports and diversion of many flights. It also offered sociologists a glimpse into how societies develop with a common purpose.

“We were taxiing for the flight,” said Peter Kearney, 29, a circus performer, “And the weather was getting pretty bad. We thought we’d make it out, but then things changed.”

The plane, Delta Airlines Flight 8823, was scheduled for departure at 7:36 p.m. when the weather turned worse. While taxiing for take-off, Detroit Wayne Metropolitan Airport abruptly ceased operation due to ice and snow, and ordered all planes to hold in place until towing equipment could be brought in to escort them back to the gates.

“It didn’t take long for things to go south,” said Mary Whitney, 65, a retired school psychologist. “They said we couldn’t purchase wine or alcohol while the plane was on the tarmac.”

That was when the first coup began. A group of travelers led by Whitney and her husband, Emmanuel stormed the Airbus 320’s galley demanding to be served something to take their minds off the dwindling snack supply and the even larger existential realization that they all would need to wait to go through TSA again tomorrow. The Wine Nine – as they’re being called, not by this writer – quickly overpowered the flight attendants and laid claim to the galley’s modest twelve square feet.

“We thought we’d won,” said Mary Whitney. “We thought it was all-for-one and one-for-all. We never expected First Class to get involved.”

Mary is referring to the second coup of the evening, when the First Class passengers, led by their sole flight attendant, attempted to retake the galley from the Wine Nine.

“Such horror,” said Javier Escalonte, 35, an innocent bystander. “I’ve never seen so many bloody noses and bruised knuckles. And for what? Some wine?” Escalonte shook his head in disgust.

The First Class, lulled by years of rich diets and lack of physical labor, were no match for the Wine Nine, who bound them with their shoelaces and returned them to their first class seats.

In the aftermath of the second coup, around 9:15, the passengers began instituting a rudimentary barter economy; passengers with food and snacks were seen trading for travel size bottles of vodka and other spirits. The Wine Nine even held a brief election in which Mary and her husband Emmanuel were elected as the Free Leaders of Flight 8823.

In an acceptance speech, the Whitneys thanked Bacchus, the god of wine and debauchery, as well as the new favored deity of the passengers of the flight.

This story is ongoing and will be updated periodically.

by Pembry Cornish, a roving reporter with no apparent departure time… or destination.

“For Rent” Sign Missing From Window of Closed Planet Fitness, Community Holds its Breath

ST. PAUL – On Monday morning, a “For Rent” sign occupying the window of a long- shuttered Planet Fitness in St. Paul, Minnesota disappeared, sending the community into an uproar.

“We’re so worried,” said Doris Acker, 62, a local who frequently shops at the Marshall’s beside the closed gym. “Anything could be going in there. Anything. We’ve written letters to the city council, but they haven’t responded.”

“It’s a damn shame,” said James Hooper, 45, an accountant whose office looks out on the parking lot of the Planet Fitness. “It was getting to be so peaceful around here. They’re putting in one of those damn cross-fit gyms, I just know it.”

The Planet Fitness closed in April of 2017, following a slow membership cycle and declining client base. The space has been empty since, the purple-and-yellow gym equipment slowly gathering layers of dust. A “For Rent” sign went up shortly after the closure, but the space has not attracted many interested clients.

“It used to be such a busy little strip mall,” said Acker, clutching her recent purchases to her as a blast of cold January wind swept across the parking lot. “Now it’s going to be full of those gym rats flipping chains, or whatever it is they do.”

Acker and Hooper are referring to a growing trend across the United States known as Cross-fit, which emphasizes alternative workout equipment and a holistic approach to physical health.

“It attracts the most unsavory types,” said Hooper. “I can do without seeing ripped beast men in spaghetti string tops roll tires across the parking lot, thank you very much.”

A request for information to the complex’s owner revealed that, in fact, a Cross- fit gym is going in the space.

“Damn,” replied the community.

by Pembry Cornish

Minnesota Man Causes 
Furor with Pro-Snow Stance

ST. CLOUD – Tossing the last heaping shovel of snow over his shoulder, a Minnesota man exhaled deeply and announced, “I love the snow.”

Peter F. Thomas, 37, a life-long resident of the St. Cloud area, was quoted by several newspapers on Saturday regarding his affection for the weather this time of year. His comments have caused a flurry of media scrutiny about his life and history.

“We think it’s an important issue to the residents of this city,” said St. Cloud Times editor Neil Creekpark. “Our philosophy has always been: what creates the most well-informed electorate? We think investigating this man’s past actions, anything that could’ve led to this comment, is critical.”

Thomas, a welder with a local auto body shop, is often seen after work taking the time to maintain his home and surroundings. Neighbors have often witnessed him mowing the lawn, trimming the dahlia bushes in his front yard, or chopping wood for his stove. All the while, Thomas has a huge smile on his face.

“When I’m at [the auto body shop], it’s rare that I get a chance to step outside. I sometimes go hours without even taking my hood off. So after work, on weekends, whenever I can – I’m outside. It’s a miracle to behold. Especially the perfect snow this time of year.”

Asked to comment on Thomas statement, neighbors “tsk-ed” while shaking their heads.

by Pembry Cornish

Local Man Boldly Quotes Jimmy Buffett on His Dating Profile

SEATTLE – Shock and disappointment rippled across the greater Seattle area this week at the discovery that a local man, Eddie Turner, 33, had changed his Tinder profile to include Jimmy Buffett lyrics.

“I was swiping at a coffeeshop,” said Taisha Lawrence, 29, “when I saw this guy come up. He was cute, kind of rugged, seemed like your typical Pacific Northwest hipster. Then I went to find out more info and…” Lawrence trailed off, staring into the middle distance with a mixture of horror and pity on her face.

“We all know Tinder isn’t perfect,” said another regular on the app, Maggie Reynolds, 32, “but this is a bridge too far. It’s an app to find people that you bond with, or want to have sex with, not for this kind of offensive garbage.”

The Nebulous Observer reached out to Tinder and its parent company Match Group, and they responded with a written statement:

It is the desire of Tinder and Match Group to bring people together using our algorithms and years of experience in the relationship industry, and that desire has normally led to a hands off approach with regards to what information can be published on a user’s profile. However, owing to the gravity of this situation, Tinder has reached out to Mr. Turner and his representatives for further clarification, and will decide how to proceed in the coming days.

As of publishing time, the Jimmy Buffett lyrics in question seemed to have been removed from Mr. Turner’s profile, but an investigation into the matter provided a lone snapshot of the four-line quote:

Pour me something tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve but I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Mr. Turner and his representatives declined a request for comment.

by Pembry Cornish

Budget Airline, Frontier, Announces New Travel Routes, New Planes

DENVER – Ultra low-budget airline Frontier unveiled a new series of routes on Tuesday, as well as new and updated airplanes. The announcement sent the company’s stock soaring.

“We’re thrilled to be one of America’s top choices for cost-effective air travel, and we hope these new destinations give more Americans the opportunity to see this great country,” said Frontier spokesman Pamela Sutton.

The new routes connect cities like Harrisburg, PA and nearby Philadelphia; Bismarck, ND and Fargo; and Tucson, AZ and Phoenix. The new service will come courtesy of Frontier’s new line of planes, the MC-8 and MC-9 coach buses. At a launch event on Tuesday, Frontier debuted the coaches, emblazoned in the company’s green logo.

“Customers have been asking for an alternative mode of transport for many years now, and 2019 is the year that Frontier makes that happen,” said Sutton, standing in front of one of the company’s brand new six-wheeled coach buses. “These coaches will transport customers in comfort and leisure across the highways of the United States – America’s original airways.”

The new routes offer Frontier’s signature budget-saving additional options, options such as headrests, armrests, and seat backs. The company is also debuting a new fare plan, what the company is calling “Standing Room Only.”

“It’s exactly what it sounds like,” Sutton replied briefly. “No further questions.”

by Pembry Cornish

Cleopatra Craves Cheesecake

BIRMINGHAM – Employees of a local restaurant known for their diverse and comprehensive dessert selection were surprised when a reservation for ten turned out to be Cleopatra, the ancient Greek ruler herself, and her entourage of clone-like women.

The server who took the table, Pam Chivers, remembers her first impression clearly.

“At first I noticed the many many bracelets. Then I noticed they all looked the same.”

For security, Cleopatra surrounds herself with women of similar build, demeanor, and smells.”

Chivers then noticed something else.

“They all had snakes. Each woman had her own snake.”

Chivers reported this to her manager, and immediately, the 2000 year old knockout and her dining party were upgraded to a glass enclosed “birthday room” for privacy.

Cleopatra and her secret service team that she has employed for two thousand years without a government shutdown made themselves at home, ordering one dessert after another.

“I’ll never forget how she said ‘I’m just back from Egypt and I’m craving cheesecake. I was too shy to ask why she was in Alabama.”

The party was there for hours, eventually buying up all the desserts available. But the evening wasn’t a complete success. 

“They didn’t tip. I don’t think they’re hip to tipping. And they paid in ancient lira. But oh well.”

As for the snakes…

“One of the women left without hers. But our chef says we don’t have a rat problem anymore.”

by Dan Plighter

Guest Thanks Host for Dinner… Then Eats

SAN FRANCISCO – At a recent dinner party for silicon valley elites, a guest thanked her host before taking her first bite of dinner. Then things turned sour.

“I should never have said anything. Dinner was almost inedible.”

The guest managed to muscle down her entree, and even had a second helping of dessert before excusing herself.

“I almost didn’t get out of there. I was so full. But dinner was awful.”

by Dan Plighter

New Farm to Table Restaurant Brings the Farm to Your Table

NEW YORK CITY – A bustling new Soho restaurant is already turning heads with its ambitious and environmentally-conscious approach to sustainable eating.

Walking past the flagship retail outlets that are peppered among the crowded streets of Manhattan’s affluent Soho neighborhood, one could almost miss the small green awning and simple storefront belonging to the neighborhood’s newest restaurant – the briefly named Farm. Stepping inside, however, one is instantly transported to a verdant summer afternoon on an upstate New York farm.

“It’s 83% humidity and 91 degrees,” says co-owner Micha Lewis, 31, relaxing before the restaurant’s evening rush. Staff and servers bustle around her as she reclines in simple olive flight pants and a remarkably well-tailored chef’s jacket. “The halogen lights allow us to synthesize a perfect August afternoon upstate.”

Aside from the atmospheric conditions, perhaps the most striking architectural achievement of the restaurant is Farm’s large open plot of top soil, filled to brim with all manner of vegetable delights. Pumpkin and squash plants meander among tall stalks of corn, tomato plants grow in abundance, and root vegetables spring up from every corner of the plot. Small two and four-top tables cluster around ‘The Patch,’ as Lewis calls it.

“No one is doing it like we’re doing it,” she says, a broad confident smile blossoming on her face. “It’s going to revolutionize the farm-to-table industry.”

The simple premise of Farm is one that few restaurants have been bold enough to try. You arrive for your dinner reservation – choosing from a 7:30 or 9:00 p.m. slot. After a ‘farmhand’ takes your coat, guests are invited to root among the soil in ‘The Patch’, selecting the produce they wish to see on their plate. They then hand it off to their server, who whisks it away to be prepared by Lewis or one of her two sous chefs.

“Of course,” Lewis says with wink, “we don’t actually grow any of the produce in The Patch. Corn and tomato plants are brought in fresh every morning, and the ones from the previous night are discarded, or donated to a food bank or something.”

Asked if she had plans to grow her own produce at Farm, Lewis, the daughter of a Wall Street broker and a Fashion designer, admitted she wouldn’t know where to begin.

by Pembry Cornish

Interior Designer Receives Praise for Harsh, Minimalist Style

BERGEN – A Norwegian interior designer has been making headlines all over Europe with a bold new take on minimalist home decoration.

“It’s quite simple,” said Olena Svenson, the 26 year-old designer making waves in her home city of Bergen, Norway. “We remove all adornments, every functional piece of furniture, all appliances, everything. It’s minimalism – the way minimalism is supposed to be.”

Reporters from The Nebulous Observer were treated to a tour of several upscale apartments the young firebrand had recently completed, led by Bergen real estate developer Michael Olsen.

“What’s most striking about these units,” Mr. Olsen remarked, his voice echoing off the tastefully painted walls, “is their complete emptiness. There is nothing. No furniture. No chairs, no bed, nothing.”

As we entered the apartment, we were treated to a long, austere hallway that opened out into a spacious white room filled with sunlight. The light filtered in through pristine glass windows overlooking downtown Bergen. Two adjoining rooms were similarly decorated, painted in a modest white hue developed by Svenson herself that Olsen informed us was known as ‘Cadbury cream’.

“We had a lot of challenges providing for some of the more exciting engineering aspects of Ms. Svenson’s design,” remarked Olsen, leaning against one of the bare walls. “Removing the electrical wiring for the lights and outlets was a particular challenge. And the de-installation of the apartment’s water and sewage hook-ups set us back a few months.”

The unit we were standing in, known as the Circadian Suite, gets natural sunlight for just over six hours every day in December, Bergen’s darkest month. The other eighteen hours, we were informed, the apartment is entirely dark, promoting the body’s natural circadian rhythm.

The waitlist for the units in this building alone is in the hundreds, with the first apartments becoming occupied next month.

One of the lucky first tenants, Egil and Gunda Rasmussen, expressed their excitement to our Nebulous Observer correspondent. “We’ve thrown all of our possessions away already. We cannot wait.”

One bedroom units in this building are renting for 34,000 krone, the equivalent to $4,000 USD.

by Pembry Cornish