New Farm to Table Restaurant Brings the Farm to Your Table

NEW YORK CITY – A bustling new Soho restaurant is already turning heads with its ambitious and environmentally-conscious approach to sustainable eating.

Walking past the flagship retail outlets that are peppered among the crowded streets of Manhattan’s affluent Soho neighborhood, one could almost miss the small green awning and simple storefront belonging to the neighborhood’s newest restaurant – the briefly named Farm. Stepping inside, however, one is instantly transported to a verdant summer afternoon on an upstate New York farm.

“It’s 83% humidity and 91 degrees,” says co-owner Micha Lewis, 31, relaxing before the restaurant’s evening rush. Staff and servers bustle around her as she reclines in simple olive flight pants and a remarkably well-tailored chef’s jacket. “The halogen lights allow us to synthesize a perfect August afternoon upstate.”

Aside from the atmospheric conditions, perhaps the most striking architectural achievement of the restaurant is Farm’s large open plot of top soil, filled to brim with all manner of vegetable delights. Pumpkin and squash plants meander among tall stalks of corn, tomato plants grow in abundance, and root vegetables spring up from every corner of the plot. Small two and four-top tables cluster around ‘The Patch,’ as Lewis calls it.

“No one is doing it like we’re doing it,” she says, a broad confident smile blossoming on her face. “It’s going to revolutionize the farm-to-table industry.”

The simple premise of Farm is one that few restaurants have been bold enough to try. You arrive for your dinner reservation – choosing from a 7:30 or 9:00 p.m. slot. After a ‘farmhand’ takes your coat, guests are invited to root among the soil in ‘The Patch’, selecting the produce they wish to see on their plate. They then hand it off to their server, who whisks it away to be prepared by Lewis or one of her two sous chefs.

“Of course,” Lewis says with wink, “we don’t actually grow any of the produce in The Patch. Corn and tomato plants are brought in fresh every morning, and the ones from the previous night are discarded, or donated to a food bank or something.”

Asked if she had plans to grow her own produce at Farm, Lewis, the daughter of a Wall Street broker and a Fashion designer, admitted she wouldn’t know where to begin.

by Pembry Cornish

BREAKING NEWS – White House Staffers Consult Casting Agency

WASHINGTON – Following another failed attempt at reaching any kind of agreement to end the government shutdown, two White House staff members (who wish to remain anonymous) consulted a New York casting agency (who also wishes to remain anonymous) in search of an actor who can act like a president.

“He stormed out of the room and then tweeted. People’s lives are at stake and he’s on his cell phone.”

The White House staff members then huddled in a corner and brainstormed.

“The idea came from a trip to the theater over the holidays. When we talked about the quality of the performances, we went down this rabbit hole of what it means to do a good job. We decided to do something drastic.”

The staff members are in discussions with congress to facilitate a casting session in the next week. There will be a script provided, but the right actor will need to be able to improvise, and deal with CNN.

“Our next option is to hire a preschool teacher to come and talk with the president and congress to explore what it means to listen.”

by Dan Plighter

Estate Reanimates Corpse and Sues

NEW ENGLAND – The estate of American novelist, F. Scott Fitzgerald, successfully reanimated the corpse of Fitzgerald, and subsequently filed for copyright extensions.

As many works of fiction written in the early 20th century reach the end of their copyright protection and enter the public domain, the face of publishing is shifting. No longer will there be definitive versions of classics such as The Great Gatsby. Entering the public domain will open these works to fan fiction, reinterpretation, and most importantly: free copies riddled with typos available on the world wide web. While previously only available at every library across the country as well as nearly every new and used book store in multitudes, some complain these classics hard to find.

One man without an education decried, “The Great Gatsby? Sure I would have read it if I hadn’t dropped out of school, or if I could even get my hands on it. I was forced to watch the movie. Both of them. But I liked The Great Train Robbery better.”

In an attempt to squelch the loss of copyright control, Fitzgerald’s estate reanimated the significantly decayed corpse of the author to prove he was still alive. The estate credits this reanimation possibility to both the discovery of the structure of DNA in 1953, and to Mary Shelley. The lead scientist involved in the reanimation project state, “If Shelley knew about DNA, Frankenstein would have been a very different story.”

Real life Dr. Frankenstein, incidentally named Dr. Frankenstein III, was expelled from Cold Water Springs, an industry leader in genetic research, when he was caught digging up corpses. “I don’t agree that there’s a difference between changing genes in the tube, and reanimating what’s already lived and died. They’re both science.” But when Dr. Frankenstein III was contacted by the Fitzgerald estate, he felt vindicated. “I’m a scientist. And now I’m a scientist working on something classic. I’m a classic scientist. It’s kismet.”

But to some, this immoral and illegal process of bringing back the dead strikes a nerve. “What is this, Geriatric Park?”

The lawyer for the Fitzgerald estate said in a statement, “The family members of these artists need the money. They don’t need to contribute to society. Their grandfather wrote a classic. You should be so lucky.”

The result of the copyright extension request is pending review at the time of this publication.

by Dan Plighter

Interior Designer Receives Praise for Harsh, Minimalist Style

BERGEN – A Norwegian interior designer has been making headlines all over Europe with a bold new take on minimalist home decoration.

“It’s quite simple,” said Olena Svenson, the 26 year-old designer making waves in her home city of Bergen, Norway. “We remove all adornments, every functional piece of furniture, all appliances, everything. It’s minimalism – the way minimalism is supposed to be.”

Reporters from The Nebulous Observer were treated to a tour of several upscale apartments the young firebrand had recently completed, led by Bergen real estate developer Michael Olsen.

“What’s most striking about these units,” Mr. Olsen remarked, his voice echoing off the tastefully painted walls, “is their complete emptiness. There is nothing. No furniture. No chairs, no bed, nothing.”

As we entered the apartment, we were treated to a long, austere hallway that opened out into a spacious white room filled with sunlight. The light filtered in through pristine glass windows overlooking downtown Bergen. Two adjoining rooms were similarly decorated, painted in a modest white hue developed by Svenson herself that Olsen informed us was known as ‘Cadbury cream’.

“We had a lot of challenges providing for some of the more exciting engineering aspects of Ms. Svenson’s design,” remarked Olsen, leaning against one of the bare walls. “Removing the electrical wiring for the lights and outlets was a particular challenge. And the de-installation of the apartment’s water and sewage hook-ups set us back a few months.”

The unit we were standing in, known as the Circadian Suite, gets natural sunlight for just over six hours every day in December, Bergen’s darkest month. The other eighteen hours, we were informed, the apartment is entirely dark, promoting the body’s natural circadian rhythm.

The waitlist for the units in this building alone is in the hundreds, with the first apartments becoming occupied next month.

One of the lucky first tenants, Egil and Gunda Rasmussen, expressed their excitement to our Nebulous Observer correspondent. “We’ve thrown all of our possessions away already. We cannot wait.”

One bedroom units in this building are renting for 34,000 krone, the equivalent to $4,000 USD.

by Pembry Cornish