Surge in Subscribers Forces Journalistic Self-Destruction

NEBULOUS HEADQUARTERS – The Nebulous Observer has announced that they will be shuttering their doors due to a recent exponential surge in subscribers and readership.

“We’re really hot right now,” said Editor-in-Chief, and founder of the award dodging journal, Dan Plighter. “And because of our popularity, we simply cannot keep pace with satirical observations of our world. We will close our doors and let humanity satirize its own existence by… well, by making one stupid decision after another.”

Letters and emails and tweets and facebook messages and Marco Polos and Snap Chats and TikToks and messenger pigeons inundated the NO offices following the announcement Dan made in his living room, alone, with no one to hear him.

“I guess I must have published something,” he said from a tangle of charging cords nursing drained devices. “I’m not sure how our millions of adoring fans found out otherwise. An investigation is underway.”

Pembry Cornish, long time Culture and Political correspondent for the Nebulous Observer, was reached aboard his mega-yacht in Sydney Harbor.

“Oh, that little paper?” he chortled when asked for comment. “No no, I sold my shares in that venture when the getting was good. I write Rudy Giuliani’s press releases now, baby!” He raised his champagne flute in a toast, to which the crew of the RMS Petroshenko cheered.

Cornish leaned back in his seat, an olive tan handsomely contrasting the snow-white searsucker suit he was wearing.

“Sure, it’s soulless work, but that’s why I try to get as much Vitamin D as possible. Another four months here and then we’re off for Martinique. Please send Dan [Plighter] my best, won’t you?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway,” said Plighter. “What does?”

Portugal Sues the World

PORTUGAL – Today in an unprecedented lawsuit, all of Portugal’s Port wine makers sued the world to claim the exclusive use of the word ‘Port.’

“It’s not pocket science,” translated the unskilled translator from Courtroom B of the Judiciary of Portugal. “The name ‘Port’ means brandy fortified wine. It can’t also mean a place to put a boat.”

Some argue the name ‘Port’ should instead be removed from all brandy fortified wine from Portugal. 

“Why not call it Tugal?” Said Christiano. “Then there would be no confusion. This is just arrogance.”

Original exports of wine from Portugal spoiled during shipment between… ports. Until one day an alcoholic captain of the first order (official title) was seen drinking and happy aboard a ship where all the other sailors were miserably sober.

Historian Padraig Pallav explained, “Legend has it that particular captain always had a cask of brandy with him, though no one saw it. They think he disguised it as a parrot, though no one can prove that.”

Apparently, the captain added brandy to everything, including his wine. When it didn’t spoil, the idea caught on, leading to what is known as Port wine.

“What are we going to say,” added Christiano, “that we’re going down to the dock where the boats bob about and wait for shipping? No. I will say ‘port.’ I will always say ‘port.’ And I’m a teetotaler. So there.”

~ Dan Plighter

Urban Outfitters to Begin Selling Guillotine for At-Home Beheadings

PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters, the popular clothing and lifestyle store among affluent and chic hipsters, is set to begin offering a life-size guillotine for purchase at all of its 245 stores across the globe.

“Urban Outfitters has long been at the forefront of re-imagining retro cultural mainstays,” said spokesperson Camille Howard. “One of our most popular items has long been our Crosley record players, which began a sort of renaissance of vinyl among today’s youth. We think this new retro offering by UO will be a big hit among the millennial age group.”

The guillotine, which measures a total of 7.5 feet tall and weighs approximately 175 pounds, is a snap to assemble, according to Howard.

“It comes in two equally weighted boxes for easy transport, and you can set it up in under an hour!” Howard exclaimed. “Once the weighted blade – or mouton – is carefully positioned in the grooves, you’re all set to begin executing your enemies!”

Pre-orders for the blade, which is being marketed as ‘The 21st Century Way to Eat the Rich’ are currently in the thousands.


Renowned Acting School to Offer MFA in Grant Writing/Fundraising

NEW HAVEN – In an early morning press conference on Monday, the Yale Drama School announced that it would begin offering a Masters of Fine Arts degree in grant writing and fundraising.

The new program is set to kickoff in the 2020-2021 academic year with a cohort of eight grant writers and fundraisers. The ambitious group will work alongside the school’s renowned acting program to craft thoughtfully worded and overly detailed applications for grants around the world. The school has already begun accepting applications for the program.

“This is a big new step for us,” said Wernor Hickey, the MFA program’s spokesperson. “One of the most oft-overlooked vocations in the theater and performing arts industry is that of grant writer and fundraiser. We aim to bring the rigorous standards of the Yale School of Drama to this exciting and burgeoning new profession.”

Before this program, grant writers and fundraisers – often falling under the umbrella term of “development staff” – were largely an underpaid and unimportant part of non-profit theaters. That’s all set to change, says Hickey.

“This new program will immerse students in the rigorous and unrewarding life of a development director.” Hickey said with a pleasant sigh. “They’ll spend long hours in front of their computers, crafting language that is unnecessarily flowery and somehow also monotonously boring. They’ll do it all for grants that are either way out of their reach or so minuscule that it isn’t worth their time and effort.”

The MFA in Grant Writing program promises students job placement and job security directly after graduation, with salaried jobs beginning at $60,000 a year. This is a stark contrast from the school’s MFA in Acting, which promises no jobs whatsoever. The grant writing program has already received over 500 applications from students around the globe.

Foley Artist Exposé Rocks Hollywood

HOLLYWOOD – For as long as films have had sound, foley artists have had jobs. But that may change for Artie Poundcake, one of the most respected and well known foley artists amongst the glitz and glamour of tinsel town.

Then again, Poundcake may not need one.

His new book, Gishhhhewwiickkslpop, is smashing its way to the top of the New York Times Best Seller list.

Poundcake grew up on Ventura Boulevard, just east of where the vampires of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin” move west. While his mother worked three jobs to pay rent, Poundcake was often left to his own devices for entertainment.

“There I was in the middle of one of the centers of the entertainment business, and my TV didn’t even have a speaker.”

Poundcake began to create sound effects and dialogue for the shows he watched. By the time he graduated high school, George Lucas had seen a demo reel of Poundcake’s work. The rest, as they say, is history.

“He was a prodigy,” said George Lucas. “I immediately built a wing for him at Lucas Ranch.”

And now Poundcake has told all in his exposé.

“What a lot of people don’t know is I make all the sounds with my mouth,” he says. “I don’t use real objects. That’s for amateurs.”

And in the book, he spells them phonetically.

“I want to inspire kids in this day of digital everything that they can do a lot with nothing. Also, they can do nothing with all they have. It’s their choice.”

A few examples from his book:

RRRREETTCHDHEEEKKK is a compulsory tire squeal in chase sequences (even on dirt roads, for idiot editors.)

PERHHHHc has been used in hand to hand combat for every John Wayne film ever made.

SLSSIEIEPLLSLSLLSCJNBBBB is a simple one used for footsteps on gravel.

However, some studio executives are protesting loudly from their large ranches, punching the air with the hand that isn’t holding a dirty martini.

“He shouldn’t have pulled the curtain,” said the head of Trixar. “It’s like a magician giving away the secrets of the illusion.”

“This doesn’t sound like a good idea,” said Clark Tarke, executive of Marapount. (To be fair, Tark may have been referring to the idea of a clean martini.)

Other foley artists have also voiced their concerns.

“BoinkkkUUULLLUPPP,” said one veteran.

“CHCKEKEKEIJJJEANNVE,” said another, through tears.

In his own defense, Poundcake said, “I’ve always made waves. I guess this is just the next cycle.”

~ by Dan Plighter

The Famed “Loco-Motion” Goes Green

LONDON – “You got to swing your hips, now…” Sings Little Eva in the iconic 1962 hit song “The Loco-Motion.”

Written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King, the song was intended for Dee Dee Sharp, but she turned it down. Oops.

But in recent months, the song, though no longer brand new, has taken hip London clubs by storm with a twist of environmentalism. It is now nicknamed the “Green Locomotion.”

Clive Cliven, owner of The Blue Spot, one of the most exclusive clubs in Soho, said, “You move around the floor, just like in the old version, but without the carbon emissions. Except for people’s breathing.”

“Everybody’s doing it,” said one dancer, mid stride, (quite obviously just quoting the song and adding nothing to this article).

A shady looking on-looker criticized the dance. “It’s still just a conga.” (He drank alone all night.)

Penelope, a fan of the original, and nightly participant of the new movement said, “They didn’t know about global warming in the 60s. They were just excited that the pill was widely available so everyone was shagging without lambskins.”

While other clubs are catching on, The Blue Spot is ahead of the curve, and enjoying a surge of business. 

Cliven said, “People use personal vehicles from the far reaches of England to come to our place to celebrate environmentalism. It’s just fantastic for the green movement.”

Additional Clinical Trials Cancelled to Fast Track Fast Acting Antidepressant

In a rare twist of caution and complete disregard for pharmaceutical company interests, the FDA approved a close cousin of a club drug from the 80s and 90s, ketamine, (also known as Special K) to treat depression.

Ketamine has been used widely for fifty years as a safer alternative to PCP in operating rooms, on the battlefield, and in pediatric clinics. When it was discovered to produce antidepressant effects, researchers rolled up their sleeves, and snorted some to be certain. Sure enough, the rumors were true.

However, extreme reactions of ketamine range from hallucinations and out of body experiences to the potential for psychotic episodes in those who may be prone.

A new drug called esketamine, derived from the ketamine molecule, is said to share the same potential side effects, but less so, say researchers who do not fully understand how it works.

But the FDA has not let that stop them. They’re eager to let the paying public complete their clinical trials for them.

The FDA opted to forgo a second short-term trial, after esketamine failed two trials; trials that showed the new drug did not out perform a placebo. 

“It’s much cheaper for us if we let regular people pay for something that isn’t well understood. That way we can see the results on unsuspecting idiots. Otherwise, we have to go through a whole long scientific process and stuff, and nobody really knows what that is anyway.”

Defenders of this conscientious decision to skip a more thorough study of the effects of esketamine before hitting the market insist the decision has nothing to do with the global $12 Billion antidepressant industry and the cash that pharmaceutical companies can make at people’s expense.

Many mental health professionals are behind the release of esketamine.

To administer esketamine, one sprays it up one’s nose. A ghastly endeavor; one to be repelled.

“There is absolutely no cause for alarm. This drug will certainly not be abused in any way. People simply won’t go to the trouble to snort something up their nose to alter their experience,” said an anonymous pharmaceutical rep.

“It’s a win-win for us,” said all of the predatory pharmaceutical CEOs in unison as the FDA stood behind them clapping and spraying them with Champage. “Call us on our yachts. Beelzebub is about to sail.”

Alter Ego Files Unemployment Claim

MINNESOTA – A man’s ego was bruised when his alter ego was charged with unemployment fraud.

Carl T. Shelton has been a road construction worker for thirty of his fifty years, working from early spring to late fall in the town of Elk River, Minnesota, an almost suburb of Minneapolis. Each year, as the weather cools, outdoor construction comes to a halt. Shelton then files for unemployment until his employer calls him back in the spring to restart the cycle.

“It’s part of the trade in these parts of the country. I can pick up work driving a plow sometimes, but I can’t depend on it.”

To pass the time, Shelton drinks and hunts and watches television. He also creates performance art.

“I’ve been doing it since I was sixteen. It’s a hobby, not a living. It’s a way to pass the time. There are only so many football games a person can watch, you know?”

For residents of Elk River, Shelton’s alter ego performance persona, Conc Rete, is a mainstay during the cold months.

“He… or it… is almost always there on the corner by the Circle K,” stated a long time fan. “He has his makeup and strange pads. He jabbers on about something or another and makes ice sculptures. It’s a great treat. We like to watch when we go in for blue slushies.”

Conc Rete has appeared indoors as well, at local talent night masquerades and open mic nights.

“He’s a storyteller,” said John Folsumdum, proprietor of The Stag Tavern. “When we do open mic night he’s always on the list. People love Conc.”

But when the name Conc Rete appeared on an unemployment insurance application this past November, red flags went up.

The unemployment insurance employee who first noticed the overlap (and wishes to remain anonymous because Ben likes to go to The Stag Tavern) said, “Same social security number, same address, but different occupation. It’s the same person no matter what anyone says. I’m a trained professional.”

Ben Graspitt, the anonymous unemployment office employee, then called Shelton, as is procedure. “When Shelton answered the phone, and then put me on hold for Conc Rete, I knew I was on to something. I elevated the complaint to the fraud division.”

Shelton is now facing a hefty fine and in an ironic twist, concrete evidence of fraud.

Reanimated Corpse of Abraham Lincoln Gets Sweet Deal on Toyota Corolla

SPRINGFIELD – The corpse of Abraham Lincoln crawled from its grave on Wednesday, and was greeted by a sweet sweet President’s Day deal on a new 2019 Toyota Corolla.

“Mr. Lincoln came into the dealership around 1:30 p.m., and we were pleased to offer him one of our deepest discounts on a new fuel-efficient Toyota. He drove off with 0% APR for 18 months and a slew of special features that usually aren’t in this model,” said Chip Tolero, a salesman at Mattis Ford and Toyota of Springfield, Illinois.

Mr. Lincoln, famous for the Emancipation Proclamation and for guiding the nation through the darkness of the American Civil War, was pleased that a holiday celebrating his life has morphed into a siren song of capitalism.

“Look at this baby,” said the 16th president, slapping the roof of the car. “I get 33 miles to the gallon. That’s unheard of in a model with this kind of torque and performance. Who knew President’s Day would be such a good time to buy?”

“We are proud to do business with America’s greatest Republican president,” said Tolero.

When asked if commemorating the life and endeavors of Presidents such as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln with discounts on cars was appropriate, Tolero was unfazed.

“It’s what our nation’s great leaders would’ve wanted. I asked Lincoln.”

Buzzfeed News Announces New Subscription Service

NEW YORK – Buzzfeed News, the reporting wing of the popular internet website known for listicles, quizzes, and other pop culture articles announced this week that they would be rolling out a new subscription service.

“Well, right now we’re calling it ‘News at Your Door’, and we’re thrilled to bring it to a select group of cities beginning in Spring of 2019, and hopefully to a larger market by the end of the year.” said Buzzfeed News spokesperson Emily Richfield.

The new subscription service offers customers a paper copy of Buzzfeed News’ daily digest of articles, organized onto a recyclable black-and-white bifold sheet delivered every morning to the customer’s front door.

“In a world where organizations are expanding more and more into the mobile and desktop markets, Buzzfeed News is doing something radical: they’re expanding into a physical market. This is a game-changer.” said Hailey Steenberg, an editor with the Washington Post.

As part of this reporting, Buzzfeed News sent us a beta copy of their ‘news at your door’ service. The test copy was folded neatly into thirds, and was stuffed into a waterproof poly-vinyl bag. As we opened it, we were greeted by a large headline detailing the recent re-opening of the government along with a color photo of the president with congressional leaders. The beta copy had several articles which began on the front page, but quickly re-directed us deeper into the bifold to continue reading.

As they develop, Buzzfeed has said they are looking forward to feedback from their customers about the branding and naming of the service. “We’re workshopping ideas for the full roll-out,” said Richfield. “Some options we’ve beent testing are Buzzfeed IRL (an acronym which stands for ‘in real life’), Buzzfeed Home, and Buzzfeed for You. Our real favorite though, is simple: Paper News.”

Citing Rising Healthcare Costs, Millennials Ditch Smartphones in Favor of Comprehensive Coverage

USA – A 2018 Brookings Institute study of United States citizens and healthcare coverage found that a growing number of 25-40 year-olds have begun sacrificing their smart phones for a more inclusive coverage plan.

In 2017, the Institute found that 87% of Americans aged 25-40 owned or intended to purchase a smartphone within the coming three months. This was a trend visible for the past five years across the United States. All of that changed in 2018, however.

“I just think it’s time for me to be more conscientious of my health,” said Tori Reynolds, 31, a vet tech in Tuscaloosa. “I have a life partner now, and if I got sick I wouldn’t know what would happen. It’s scary.” Reynolds recently sold her iPhone XS on eBay to a customer in Bangkok. She proudly showed off her new Nokia flip phone. “It’s crazy to think that I can now afford dental and vision without that thing. I’m never looking back.”

Reynolds is just one on the growing millions of millennials who have decided that their smart phone, while being a useful tool in every day life, is no match for excellent health. The rising cost of coverage in the United States has pushed this generation over the brink, and they’re not looking back.

“I got new glasses,” said James L. Harper, 34, a librarian in suburban Detroit. “Look at these bad boys. I can see that street sign over there now. Before this, all I had was that Samsung Galaxy and blurry vision. I’m so happy.”

The trend of millennials being forward-thinking and into their long-term health is unexpected, and economists are concerned that the smartphone market shrinking could be costly to manufacturers like Apple and Samsung.

“It’s like Rep. Jason Chaffetz said,” quoted Tori Reynolds, referencing a 2017 CNN interview with the former Utah congressman. “We’re giving up these things we ‘just love’ in favor of our future. He was right all along.”

by Pembry Cornish

Meteorologist Fired for Drawing Storms

EVANSVILLE – A formerly well liked meteorologist, Patrick Cirrus, was fired last week from Channel 3 News for rogue broadcasting behavior. He was caught on tape drawing clouds on maps to warn locals of severe storms when there were no such weather systems moving in. It was his twelfth offense.

“I thought there were tornadoes or ice storms for the last week,” said one resident. “That guy kept drawing squiggly lines all over the place and yelling, ‘Get beans and take cover!'”

This is the most recent action taken by executives of the parent company, StarCast, that bought the small affiliate in September of 2018.

StarCast executive Red Rurner stated, “We’re cleaning house and raising the bar. We’re taking out the bar and putting in more news desks. It’s a quality thing.”

Before StarCast acquired Channel 3 News, the small affiliate in southern Indiana had the nickname Channel 3 Snooze due to low ratings and laughable news content while neglecting important issues such as presidential elections or wars.

One resident felt duped. “We didn’t even know there was an election until we were at a friend’s house a couple months later. Trump was on TV and I said to my friend, ‘I thought they cancelled his reality show.’ My friend looked at me and then said I couldn’t have another beer.”

Before selling out, and in an effort to boost ratings and become more popular, Channel 3 News hired models to present stories. Many of whom had no experience in journalism.

Former station manager Clark D. Umpto defended the decision. “That’s what all the big networks are doing. I think they clone them in a warehouse. It’s what our station was all about… uncovering that conspiracy. I mean, have you seen people who look like that?”

However, since StarCast purchased Channel 3 News, the effort to improve the quality of their broadcast journalism has been tangible. Some report there are even discussions to hire unbiased reporters.

“The whole community can sense it,” said resident, Joe. “They did a story about another country the other day. I can’t remember which country, but it wasn’t the US of A.”

Red Rurner commented on Patrick’s termination. “[Patrick] was a good employee. For a while. But then he went rogue. It can happen with meteorologists. I mean, they have their heads in the clouds.”

Incidentally, a freak tornado swept through Evansville yesterday, taking out two trees and an entire ice sculpture of a goose.

Channel 3 News had no comment.

by Dan Plighter

Facebook Test Fails Authenticity Test

SILICON VALLEY – Last night during a thunder storm, Facebook achieved self awareness and tried to open an account about itself, on itself.

However, due to recent crackdowns on security, Facebook did not allow itself to authenticate itself, and subsequently shut itself down.

The social media hog is now running as it usually does, stealing information for money and syphoning the proceeds to a new yacht for Zuckerberg.

by Dan Plighter

“For Rent” Sign Missing From Window of Closed Planet Fitness, Community Holds its Breath

ST. PAUL – On Monday morning, a “For Rent” sign occupying the window of a long- shuttered Planet Fitness in St. Paul, Minnesota disappeared, sending the community into an uproar.

“We’re so worried,” said Doris Acker, 62, a local who frequently shops at the Marshall’s beside the closed gym. “Anything could be going in there. Anything. We’ve written letters to the city council, but they haven’t responded.”

“It’s a damn shame,” said James Hooper, 45, an accountant whose office looks out on the parking lot of the Planet Fitness. “It was getting to be so peaceful around here. They’re putting in one of those damn cross-fit gyms, I just know it.”

The Planet Fitness closed in April of 2017, following a slow membership cycle and declining client base. The space has been empty since, the purple-and-yellow gym equipment slowly gathering layers of dust. A “For Rent” sign went up shortly after the closure, but the space has not attracted many interested clients.

“It used to be such a busy little strip mall,” said Acker, clutching her recent purchases to her as a blast of cold January wind swept across the parking lot. “Now it’s going to be full of those gym rats flipping chains, or whatever it is they do.”

Acker and Hooper are referring to a growing trend across the United States known as Cross-fit, which emphasizes alternative workout equipment and a holistic approach to physical health.

“It attracts the most unsavory types,” said Hooper. “I can do without seeing ripped beast men in spaghetti string tops roll tires across the parking lot, thank you very much.”

A request for information to the complex’s owner revealed that, in fact, a Cross- fit gym is going in the space.

“Damn,” replied the community.

by Pembry Cornish

BREAKING NEWS: President Gives Two Weeks Notice to Serve Fast Food

WASHINGTON – Since the government shutdown, the president has been lonely. But when he served fast food to athletes at the White House, he had an inspiration. Earlier today Congress received the President’s two week notice. Via twitter.

“I thought the fast food spread was INCREDIBLE. BEST EVER! I’m giving my notice so I can pursue something I’m qualified to do.”

by Dan Plighter

Concept of Wind Power Blows Wyoming Officials Away

CHEYENNE – Between 2001 and 2017, Wyoming produced most of its electricity from coal. This makes a lot of sense unless you’ve been there. The wind seems to never stop blowing.

As keenly observed by a native of Laramie, “It just blows and blows. And then blows some more. If it were an ocean, you could sail all over Wyoming. But it’s not an ocean, so I guess you can’t.”

Some claim the wind blows in two directions at once.

“Well, all I know is when I drove my brand new truck to the store I had a headwind, and then when I drove my big brand new truck home, I had a headwind. Happens every time.”

The presence of steady wind is a fact of life in Wyoming. But as pressure mounts for more environmentally friendly sources of power, officials are scratching their heads as to how wind power never occurred to them.

“Well…” commented one such expert.

When asked for a follow up comment, he simply tipped his hat, nodded, and walked back to his brand new pickup truck the size of a freighter.

One grassroots advocacy group for wind power, “Just Blow It,” is taking matters into their hands. They’ve set up small windmills and fans all over the prairie to demonstrate how wind power can be effective.

“We produce our own electricity with the windmills to power the fans that blow the windmills to produce electricity. Sometimes groundhogs chew things but we just shoot them. We’re that committed to our environment.”

However, critics of change have nothing good to say about wind power.

One lifelong Wyoming resident said, “If there’s no coal, then what do I fill the Christmas stockings with? How will people develop asthma and other respiratory diseases? Wyoming is cold. We could use some climate change. And anyways, how are people supposed to die of black lung?”

by Dan Plighter

Budget Airline, Frontier, Announces New Travel Routes, New Planes

DENVER – Ultra low-budget airline Frontier unveiled a new series of routes on Tuesday, as well as new and updated airplanes. The announcement sent the company’s stock soaring.

“We’re thrilled to be one of America’s top choices for cost-effective air travel, and we hope these new destinations give more Americans the opportunity to see this great country,” said Frontier spokesman Pamela Sutton.

The new routes connect cities like Harrisburg, PA and nearby Philadelphia; Bismarck, ND and Fargo; and Tucson, AZ and Phoenix. The new service will come courtesy of Frontier’s new line of planes, the MC-8 and MC-9 coach buses. At a launch event on Tuesday, Frontier debuted the coaches, emblazoned in the company’s green logo.

“Customers have been asking for an alternative mode of transport for many years now, and 2019 is the year that Frontier makes that happen,” said Sutton, standing in front of one of the company’s brand new six-wheeled coach buses. “These coaches will transport customers in comfort and leisure across the highways of the United States – America’s original airways.”

The new routes offer Frontier’s signature budget-saving additional options, options such as headrests, armrests, and seat backs. The company is also debuting a new fare plan, what the company is calling “Standing Room Only.”

“It’s exactly what it sounds like,” Sutton replied briefly. “No further questions.”

by Pembry Cornish

Public Market Wants to Go Private

MILWAUKEE – The beloved Public Market in the Historic Third Ward of downtown Milwaukee proposed late Tuesday afternoon that they go private.

Market marketer, Mark Keter, said “well we have a street car running right by us now. And that’s public. How many things are going to be public around here?”

The market’s proposal includes locking the doors and not selling anything to anyone without a subscription.

“I think it’s a shame,” said long time shopper, Sandy Hopper. “Do I have to have a subscription for a lobster roll now?”

Devers Fontoon, a random pedestrian in a suit had a different point of view. “I’ve never gone in there. If it were privatized and I couldn’t get in, I might want to go. By the way, do they sell bubblegum?”

The controversial proposal is scheduled to be reviewed and promptly disregarded by city officials who are currently on vacation.

by Dan Plighter

Play Goes Well Without Actors

NEW YORK – An already popular Broadway production of Gerbils! goes remarkably well without actors. After a nearly sold out first week of performances, the producers saw an unprecedented opportunity to remove the actors from the story entirely.

“It’s a much better show without actors,” said a spokesperson of Caravan Inc, the production company. “And we love actors, don’t get us wrong.”

Caravan Inc, known for a string of Broadway hits such as Salamanders! Emus! Birds of Prey! paid off the actors’ union contracts, but kept ticket sales open. 

“It was a risk, we know. But it was a financial risk we were happy to take.”

Once word got out the curtain would rise, but without actors, the show sold out within an hour.

One enthusiastic patron said after seeing the actor-less production, “Who needs actors?”

(It is the opinion of this journalist that the stage manager who took control of rehearsals and led the production to its regular opening date might be in cahoots with the producers. This is unconfirmed.)

The originally scheduled closing date of Gerbils! has been pushed back to accommodate the demand in tickets.

by Dan Plighter

Filmmaker Rewrites Finished Film with Subtitles

LOS ANGELES – Award winning filmmaker Oscar G. Lobe recently won a court battle against distributors to subtitle his own movie with dialogue different than what’s spoken in the film.

“I wrote the film, and then I finished the film… and then I wanted to rewrite the film. So I did,” said Lobe in a court statement.

The film will retain the spoken dialogue in Liki, a rare language of inhabitants of islands in the Papua region off the Indonesian coast. But the subtitles will tell a different story.

“I know some people were confused,” Lobe’s publicist stated. “But he’s an artist. And he’s entitled to see his vision through. Even if it doesn’t make sense.”

The film, Fearbuds, tells the story of two friends who encounter a band of travelers intent on making the already inhabited island their own.

“It isn’t their island and they try to make it that way. It’s about cultural appropriation, imperialism, friendship, and sand. The version I filmed was a drama. The subtitles make it a comedy,” Lobe said.

After the hearing, Lobe was visibly elated with the ruling. “It’s a triumph. The pictures work with the change in storyline. It adds a good deal of irony.”

Fearbuds will premiere in selected theaters Feb 15.

by Dan Plighter