“For Rent” Sign Missing From Window of Closed Planet Fitness, Community Holds its Breath

ST. PAUL – On Monday morning, a “For Rent” sign occupying the window of a long- shuttered Planet Fitness in St. Paul, Minnesota disappeared, sending the community into an uproar.

“We’re so worried,” said Doris Acker, 62, a local who frequently shops at the Marshall’s beside the closed gym. “Anything could be going in there. Anything. We’ve written letters to the city council, but they haven’t responded.”

“It’s a damn shame,” said James Hooper, 45, an accountant whose office looks out on the parking lot of the Planet Fitness. “It was getting to be so peaceful around here. They’re putting in one of those damn cross-fit gyms, I just know it.”

The Planet Fitness closed in April of 2017, following a slow membership cycle and declining client base. The space has been empty since, the purple-and-yellow gym equipment slowly gathering layers of dust. A “For Rent” sign went up shortly after the closure, but the space has not attracted many interested clients.

“It used to be such a busy little strip mall,” said Acker, clutching her recent purchases to her as a blast of cold January wind swept across the parking lot. “Now it’s going to be full of those gym rats flipping chains, or whatever it is they do.”

Acker and Hooper are referring to a growing trend across the United States known as Cross-fit, which emphasizes alternative workout equipment and a holistic approach to physical health.

“It attracts the most unsavory types,” said Hooper. “I can do without seeing ripped beast men in spaghetti string tops roll tires across the parking lot, thank you very much.”

A request for information to the complex’s owner revealed that, in fact, a Cross- fit gym is going in the space.

“Damn,” replied the community.

by Pembry Cornish

Minnesota Man Causes 
Furor with Pro-Snow Stance

ST. CLOUD – Tossing the last heaping shovel of snow over his shoulder, a Minnesota man exhaled deeply and announced, “I love the snow.”

Peter F. Thomas, 37, a life-long resident of the St. Cloud area, was quoted by several newspapers on Saturday regarding his affection for the weather this time of year. His comments have caused a flurry of media scrutiny about his life and history.

“We think it’s an important issue to the residents of this city,” said St. Cloud Times editor Neil Creekpark. “Our philosophy has always been: what creates the most well-informed electorate? We think investigating this man’s past actions, anything that could’ve led to this comment, is critical.”

Thomas, a welder with a local auto body shop, is often seen after work taking the time to maintain his home and surroundings. Neighbors have often witnessed him mowing the lawn, trimming the dahlia bushes in his front yard, or chopping wood for his stove. All the while, Thomas has a huge smile on his face.

“When I’m at [the auto body shop], it’s rare that I get a chance to step outside. I sometimes go hours without even taking my hood off. So after work, on weekends, whenever I can – I’m outside. It’s a miracle to behold. Especially the perfect snow this time of year.”

Asked to comment on Thomas statement, neighbors “tsk-ed” while shaking their heads.

by Pembry Cornish

Local Man Boldly Quotes Jimmy Buffett on His Dating Profile

SEATTLE – Shock and disappointment rippled across the greater Seattle area this week at the discovery that a local man, Eddie Turner, 33, had changed his Tinder profile to include Jimmy Buffett lyrics.

“I was swiping at a coffeeshop,” said Taisha Lawrence, 29, “when I saw this guy come up. He was cute, kind of rugged, seemed like your typical Pacific Northwest hipster. Then I went to find out more info and…” Lawrence trailed off, staring into the middle distance with a mixture of horror and pity on her face.

“We all know Tinder isn’t perfect,” said another regular on the app, Maggie Reynolds, 32, “but this is a bridge too far. It’s an app to find people that you bond with, or want to have sex with, not for this kind of offensive garbage.”

The Nebulous Observer reached out to Tinder and its parent company Match Group, and they responded with a written statement:

It is the desire of Tinder and Match Group to bring people together using our algorithms and years of experience in the relationship industry, and that desire has normally led to a hands off approach with regards to what information can be published on a user’s profile. However, owing to the gravity of this situation, Tinder has reached out to Mr. Turner and his representatives for further clarification, and will decide how to proceed in the coming days.

As of publishing time, the Jimmy Buffett lyrics in question seemed to have been removed from Mr. Turner’s profile, but an investigation into the matter provided a lone snapshot of the four-line quote:

Pour me something tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve but I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Mr. Turner and his representatives declined a request for comment.

by Pembry Cornish

Budget Airline, Frontier, Announces New Travel Routes, New Planes

DENVER – Ultra low-budget airline Frontier unveiled a new series of routes on Tuesday, as well as new and updated airplanes. The announcement sent the company’s stock soaring.

“We’re thrilled to be one of America’s top choices for cost-effective air travel, and we hope these new destinations give more Americans the opportunity to see this great country,” said Frontier spokesman Pamela Sutton.

The new routes connect cities like Harrisburg, PA and nearby Philadelphia; Bismarck, ND and Fargo; and Tucson, AZ and Phoenix. The new service will come courtesy of Frontier’s new line of planes, the MC-8 and MC-9 coach buses. At a launch event on Tuesday, Frontier debuted the coaches, emblazoned in the company’s green logo.

“Customers have been asking for an alternative mode of transport for many years now, and 2019 is the year that Frontier makes that happen,” said Sutton, standing in front of one of the company’s brand new six-wheeled coach buses. “These coaches will transport customers in comfort and leisure across the highways of the United States – America’s original airways.”

The new routes offer Frontier’s signature budget-saving additional options, options such as headrests, armrests, and seat backs. The company is also debuting a new fare plan, what the company is calling “Standing Room Only.”

“It’s exactly what it sounds like,” Sutton replied briefly. “No further questions.”

by Pembry Cornish

Pro-choice Activists Disguised as Pro-life Activists Get in Brawl with Pro-life Activists Disguised as Pro-choice Activists

CINCINNATI – Sparks flew outside a Planned Parenthood clinic in Cincinnati, OH on Thursday, as a group of pro-life advocates clashed with pro-choice counter demonstrators. Not all was as it seemed, however.

“It started innocently enough,” said Julie Yoo, 26, an advocate for a women’s right to choose. “A group of us from [The Ohio State University] got a hold of some posters and made some signs, and went down to the Planned Parenthood to act like rabid pro-life morons. We thought it would be fun to lampoon how ridiculous these people are.”

According to witnesses, Yoo and six of her friends gathered with pro-life demonstrators shortly after 3:00 pm, starting wild chants and shouting obscenities at the men and women that were visiting the Cincinnati clinic. Their passion and commitment didn’t take long to spread through the group of twenty or so protesters, and soon, the crowd was riled up.

“We heard about [pro-life protesters] over in Springdale, and a few of us from the veteran’s hall thought it would be a hoot to go down there and stir ‘em up a little,” said Robert Cipriani, 54, an auto mechanic. “It was a slow day I guess. I grabbed a few flannel shirts from my son’s closet, and a couple of rap-looking hats, and a bunch of us went down there.”

Around 4:45 Cipriani and four friends arrived, quickly identifying the pro-choice counter protesters across the parking lot of the clinic’s Springdale campus.

“It weren’t hard to pick ‘em out. They were the ones lookin’ fit to burn their bras.”

The five men joined the demonstrators, and likewise began to whip the crowd into a bit of a furor. It didn’t take long, and the vitriol being slung from across the parking lot was enough to tip the afternoon over the edge.

“It was mayhem,” said Owen Jones, 22, a pro-choice demonstrator. “Those pro- life people flipped over their barricade and starting charging us. Some of us ran, but even more were looking for a fight.”

“It was fun until that moment,” said Julie Yoo. “I don’t know who started running towards them, but none of us flinched in joining in. It was out of control.” Yoo, sporting a black eye, says she has no regrets in doing what she did. “They’re a bunch of violent animals, I think we proved that.”

Robert Cipriani echoed Yoo’s sentiments. “Those pro-choice snowflakes had it coming to ‘em and more. I think we proved how unhinged and fascist these people can be.”

Eleven people reported injuries in the brawl; all of whom are expected to make a full recovery.

by Pembry Cornish

Furthest Object Ever Captured on Camera Gives NASA New Insight

PASADENA – NASA’s New Horizons completed a recent fly-by of a deep-space celestial body on New Year’s Day, revealing a stark new world outside our own.

“It’s remarkable,” said Jet Propulsion Lab specialist Martin Hurley. “It’s just a rock. Just a plain, uninteresting rock. We weren’t expecting anything like it.”

After its ground-breaking success in photographing Pluto’s fascinating geological features, NASA turned the cameras and sensors of New Horizons towards Ultima Thule, a distant, cold, rocky object hurtling through our solar system. On January 1, 2019, the spacecraft completed its fly-by, and is expected to transmit data for the coming months and years.

“Now this is all just preliminary data,” said Hurley, poring over reams of dot-matrix paper, “but what we’re seeing here is unlike anything we’ve seen so far in our solar system.”

Measuring approximately 19 miles in length, Ultima Thule is comprised of two spherical bodies, not unlike a figure eight in shape. It was discovered several years ago, and has been a source of interest to astrophysicists since then.

“We’ve been watching (486958) 2014 MU69 since 2014,” said astrophysicist Ken Wallard, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “But we were delighted to find that there seems to be absolutely nothing interesting about this cold snowball hurtling through space. It’s a rock. A cold, dead rock. Finally, one mystery that doesn’t need solving.”

At press time, NASA could not be reached for further comment, as all of its representatives were reportedly out living their lives.

by Pembry Cornish

New Farm to Table Restaurant Brings the Farm to Your Table

NEW YORK CITY – A bustling new Soho restaurant is already turning heads with its ambitious and environmentally-conscious approach to sustainable eating.

Walking past the flagship retail outlets that are peppered among the crowded streets of Manhattan’s affluent Soho neighborhood, one could almost miss the small green awning and simple storefront belonging to the neighborhood’s newest restaurant – the briefly named Farm. Stepping inside, however, one is instantly transported to a verdant summer afternoon on an upstate New York farm.

“It’s 83% humidity and 91 degrees,” says co-owner Micha Lewis, 31, relaxing before the restaurant’s evening rush. Staff and servers bustle around her as she reclines in simple olive flight pants and a remarkably well-tailored chef’s jacket. “The halogen lights allow us to synthesize a perfect August afternoon upstate.”

Aside from the atmospheric conditions, perhaps the most striking architectural achievement of the restaurant is Farm’s large open plot of top soil, filled to brim with all manner of vegetable delights. Pumpkin and squash plants meander among tall stalks of corn, tomato plants grow in abundance, and root vegetables spring up from every corner of the plot. Small two and four-top tables cluster around ‘The Patch,’ as Lewis calls it.

“No one is doing it like we’re doing it,” she says, a broad confident smile blossoming on her face. “It’s going to revolutionize the farm-to-table industry.”

The simple premise of Farm is one that few restaurants have been bold enough to try. You arrive for your dinner reservation – choosing from a 7:30 or 9:00 p.m. slot. After a ‘farmhand’ takes your coat, guests are invited to root among the soil in ‘The Patch’, selecting the produce they wish to see on their plate. They then hand it off to their server, who whisks it away to be prepared by Lewis or one of her two sous chefs.

“Of course,” Lewis says with wink, “we don’t actually grow any of the produce in The Patch. Corn and tomato plants are brought in fresh every morning, and the ones from the previous night are discarded, or donated to a food bank or something.”

Asked if she had plans to grow her own produce at Farm, Lewis, the daughter of a Wall Street broker and a Fashion designer, admitted she wouldn’t know where to begin.

by Pembry Cornish

Interior Designer Receives Praise for Harsh, Minimalist Style

BERGEN – A Norwegian interior designer has been making headlines all over Europe with a bold new take on minimalist home decoration.

“It’s quite simple,” said Olena Svenson, the 26 year-old designer making waves in her home city of Bergen, Norway. “We remove all adornments, every functional piece of furniture, all appliances, everything. It’s minimalism – the way minimalism is supposed to be.”

Reporters from The Nebulous Observer were treated to a tour of several upscale apartments the young firebrand had recently completed, led by Bergen real estate developer Michael Olsen.

“What’s most striking about these units,” Mr. Olsen remarked, his voice echoing off the tastefully painted walls, “is their complete emptiness. There is nothing. No furniture. No chairs, no bed, nothing.”

As we entered the apartment, we were treated to a long, austere hallway that opened out into a spacious white room filled with sunlight. The light filtered in through pristine glass windows overlooking downtown Bergen. Two adjoining rooms were similarly decorated, painted in a modest white hue developed by Svenson herself that Olsen informed us was known as ‘Cadbury cream’.

“We had a lot of challenges providing for some of the more exciting engineering aspects of Ms. Svenson’s design,” remarked Olsen, leaning against one of the bare walls. “Removing the electrical wiring for the lights and outlets was a particular challenge. And the de-installation of the apartment’s water and sewage hook-ups set us back a few months.”

The unit we were standing in, known as the Circadian Suite, gets natural sunlight for just over six hours every day in December, Bergen’s darkest month. The other eighteen hours, we were informed, the apartment is entirely dark, promoting the body’s natural circadian rhythm.

The waitlist for the units in this building alone is in the hundreds, with the first apartments becoming occupied next month.

One of the lucky first tenants, Egil and Gunda Rasmussen, expressed their excitement to our Nebulous Observer correspondent. “We’ve thrown all of our possessions away already. We cannot wait.”

One bedroom units in this building are renting for 34,000 krone, the equivalent to $4,000 USD.

by Pembry Cornish