Robert Mueller to Public: “Did you not read my email?”

WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.

“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”

The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.

“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”

Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.

“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.

Nods around the room prompted him to go on.

“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”

Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.

This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.

After Years of Trying to Fix the Subway, Mayor de Blasio to Give Up, Run for President Instead

NEW YORK – New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced on Wednesday that he would join the crowded field of Democrats seeking the 2020 Presidential nomination, after finally giving up trying to repair the aging New York City transit system.

“He just threw his hands up in a meeting with (New York City Transit President) Andy Byford and said ‘That’s it, it’s impossible.,'” mayoral aide Stephanie Howland said. “And he just walked out of the room.”

The mayor’s aides sought to follow him back to his office after his outburst, but the two-term mayor had already barricaded himself inside, launching into a diatribe that could be heard clearly from the hallway.

“‘It’ll never get fixed. Never! We’ve tried everything and nothing’s working,'” one aide quoted from de Blasio’s tirade. The aide went on: “He said, ‘I might as well quit and run for president with how this **** is going.'”

The mayor’s outburst, which included flinging papers and overturning chairs abruptly stopped. The door to his office flew open and he yelled to his staffers outside.

“Get in here, I’ve got an idea.” he said to the crowded group outside the door.

Mayor de Blasio should have no trouble repairing a crumbling, 250 year-old republic of 350 million people after his feeble attempts at fixing a few 100 year-old broken trains.

Urban Outfitters to Begin Selling Guillotine for At-Home Beheadings

PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters, the popular clothing and lifestyle store among affluent and chic hipsters, is set to begin offering a life-size guillotine for purchase at all of its 245 stores across the globe.

“Urban Outfitters has long been at the forefront of re-imagining retro cultural mainstays,” said spokesperson Camille Howard. “One of our most popular items has long been our Crosley record players, which began a sort of renaissance of vinyl among today’s youth. We think this new retro offering by UO will be a big hit among the millennial age group.”

The guillotine, which measures a total of 7.5 feet tall and weighs approximately 175 pounds, is a snap to assemble, according to Howard.

“It comes in two equally weighted boxes for easy transport, and you can set it up in under an hour!” Howard exclaimed. “Once the weighted blade – or mouton – is carefully positioned in the grooves, you’re all set to begin executing your enemies!”

Pre-orders for the blade, which is being marketed as ‘The 21st Century Way to Eat the Rich’ are currently in the thousands.


Renowned Acting School to Offer MFA in Grant Writing/Fundraising

NEW HAVEN – In an early morning press conference on Monday, the Yale Drama School announced that it would begin offering a Masters of Fine Arts degree in grant writing and fundraising.

The new program is set to kickoff in the 2020-2021 academic year with a cohort of eight grant writers and fundraisers. The ambitious group will work alongside the school’s renowned acting program to craft thoughtfully worded and overly detailed applications for grants around the world. The school has already begun accepting applications for the program.

“This is a big new step for us,” said Wernor Hickey, the MFA program’s spokesperson. “One of the most oft-overlooked vocations in the theater and performing arts industry is that of grant writer and fundraiser. We aim to bring the rigorous standards of the Yale School of Drama to this exciting and burgeoning new profession.”

Before this program, grant writers and fundraisers – often falling under the umbrella term of “development staff” – were largely an underpaid and unimportant part of non-profit theaters. That’s all set to change, says Hickey.

“This new program will immerse students in the rigorous and unrewarding life of a development director.” Hickey said with a pleasant sigh. “They’ll spend long hours in front of their computers, crafting language that is unnecessarily flowery and somehow also monotonously boring. They’ll do it all for grants that are either way out of their reach or so minuscule that it isn’t worth their time and effort.”

The MFA in Grant Writing program promises students job placement and job security directly after graduation, with salaried jobs beginning at $60,000 a year. This is a stark contrast from the school’s MFA in Acting, which promises no jobs whatsoever. The grant writing program has already received over 500 applications from students around the globe.

Jesus to Christians: “What Part of My Story Made You Think I Like Crosses?”

EARTH – Jesus H. Christ arrived on Earth Sunday morning, deciding now was as good a time as any to judge the living and the dead and to at last bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. Before he could set any of that into motion, he passed by St. Luke’s Episcopal Church on the corner of Centerview and Broadhurst in Oakridge, Illinois.

“Wait a second,” said Jesus. “What is that? Is that me on a cross? What the hell, you guys.”

“What about ‘Do good unto others’ and ‘Clothe the poor, treat the sick, shelter the homeless’ made you think I wanted to be remembered like THAT?” He continued.

Jesus reportedly approached the pastor of St. Luke’s, Father Francis Evans, and instructed him approximately where he could shove that crucifix.

“I heard about all the other messed up stuff you’ve been doing in my name, and we’ll get started on that, but first things first: this crucifix nonsense.”

After the church’s crucifix was removed, the Son of God walked next door into the church’s small gift shop, where his jaw abruptly dropped.

“Jesus Christ…”

Tinder Date Goes Well, Nation in Shock

PROVIDENCE – A recent first date by a man and a woman who met on the dating app Tinder has sent shockwaves across the United States as both privately announced to their friends that they would, in fact, seek a second date.

The man, Jeremy Hill, 28, a graduate of Brown University with a degree in philosophy, cornered his older brother at a recent family member’s birthday party.

“He came up to me with this big smirk on his face,” said the brother, Damon Hill. “He took a sip from his Sam Adams and said, ‘Day, I met someone.'”

Elsewhere in the greater Providence area, the woman, Louisa Trepani, 30, a college admissions officer, made a quick phone call to her mother.

“Oh I am so happy she met someone nice,” said Maryanne Trepani. “It’s so hard for kids these days.”

The couple reportedly got drinks at Mulligan’s Tavern, a hip restaurant in downtown Providence. Eyewitnesses described their body language as ‘engaged, but not over-eager.’

“They each enjoyed a couple Sam Adams,” said bartender John Mullin.

Passersby outside the restaurant observed a goodbye that ended with an exchange of phone numbers and a passionate embrace.

This article is running simultaneously in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and the Providence Journal, and will be updated if the couple decides to seek a third date.

Brooklyn Couple About to Record Acoustic Cover of Hip-Hop Song, Oh God

BROOKYLN – A young, attractive Brooklyn couple shocked the world on Tuesday afternoon when they decided to spend their afternoon recording an acoustic cover of the song “Keanu Reeves” by artist Logic.

“It was such a great idea,” said Jaime Howard, 25, a part-time nanny and yoga instructor. “[Kyle] came in with my acoustic guitar and said ‘Babe, listen to this.'”

Sources say that Kyle Bennett, 29, a trivia host and artisan chocolatier, then proceeded to play a repetitive series of slow gentle chords before launching into Logic’s iconic song, which he warbled with an airy tenor voice.

“I was floored,” said Howard. “It was so beautiful I had to put down the kombucha scoby I was propagating. It made me cry.”

After a brief emotional exchange between the couple, they concluded that the only way forward was to sit down in front of their low-res MacBook Air cameras and begin recording.

“I gave Jaime her guitar, grabbed my ukulele, and here we are, our first take,” said Bennett, as he tuned the nylon strings of his twenty-five dollar instrument.

“It’s really brilliant what music can do, isn’t it?” Howard asked as she straightened the brim of her overlarge felt Panama hat.

At press time, the couple was reportedly assembling a tiny xylophone to give their cover a more ‘fully produced’ feel.

Cthulhu to Humanity: “Nah, you got this.”

MEDITERRANEAN – Shortly before 1:00 p.m. local time on Sunday, a massive creature, roughly the size of the island of Manhattan, with a vaguely humanoid body and an octopoid face, rose from the depths of the Mediterranean Sea to completely and utterly destroy the human race.

After breaching with a bellowing roar that shattered windows as far away as London, the beast took stock of the creatures that stood in its path. It thrashed and flailed, causing tsunamis in mainland Italy and Greece. It scattered boats that laid in its path, capsizing many. Then – abruptly – it stopped. 

“What….?” It said in a deep echoing boom. “What the hell have you people done? Look at this place!” 

The massive creature began gesturing wildly at the arctic ice caps.

“Holy hell! Look at those! The last time I raged and stampeded, they were one hundred times bigger – easily!”

It turned its eyes heavenward, examining the atmosphere of the planet.

“What have you done to the ozone layer!? Look what you’ve DONE to the ozone layer!”

The rampaging beast Cthulhu spun around, marveling at how dire the environmental health of the Earth had become. Lost for words, it dropped its massive arms and exhaled deeply.

“You know what, you guys. Nevermind. You got this.”

Cthulhu then took a wide turn and began sinking back into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean just beyond the coast of Spain. It turned back one last time.

“Jesus, y’all. I was ready to boil the oceans and rain fire from the skies, but this is WAY better than anything I could’ve come up with. Carry on.”

It slowly dipped back into the ocean, raising both middle fingers to the Earth. Its last words echoed through the air as it disappeared.

“Good luck, you monsters.”

Michael Cohen to House Committee: “I Swear to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Finger-Licking Truth, So Help Me God.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The long-anticipated testimony of Donald Trump’s former attorney and fixer began on Wednesday morning in the capitol as Cohen was sworn in on a menu from a local D.C. Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.

“It’s embarassing,” said Dawn Trumbull of the Capitol Records Department, “but it seems all of the existing Capitol bibles have been checked out to participate in the swearing in of other Trump White House officials currently on trial or testifying before congressional committees.” 

The realization struck the Records Department shortly before Cohen was to appear before Congress when the last Capitol bible was still checked out for the sentencing hearing of Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman.

“We panicked, there’s no doubt about that,” said Trumbull. “The only thing we had on hand were a couple of week-old Washington Posts, the IKEA instruction booklet for my new Ingüvarrr standing desk, and a bunch of takeout menus. Since most of us couldn’t understand the instruction booklet, we went with the takeout menus.”

“The decision then became about which one to use,” said Deputy Administrator Rick Burly. “We believed the P.F. Chang menu sent the wrong message about diversity and inclusion in the United States, and that a Cheesecake Factory menu would seem too flippant and trite. The choice to send the KFC Menu reflects – we believe – the seriousness of intent and demeanor with which the Colonel protects his 11 herbs and spices. It is the perfect symbol to the American people that this witness is prepared to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

Shortly after his testimony began, Mr. Cohen could be seen calling the number on the front of the menu to place an order. There is no word yet on whether he is a wing or thigh person.

White House Declares National Emergency to Figure Out Who Turned Up the Thermostat

WASHINGTON – The world of Washington politics erupted in shock and outrage on Sunday as the White House declared a national emergency to determine who adjusted the thermostat from 64 to 68 degrees.

“The American people have a right to know who thinks this country is made of money,” said one White House spokesperson. “And when we get to the bottom of this we are going to have a strong conversation about the priorities of this nation.”

Senators and congressional representatives were being rushed from room to room at the Capitol early Monday morning as discussions began about the legality of such a declaration and the ramifications it will have on executive privilege.

“It’s our god-given right to live in a country where we don’t have to wear a sweater and shoes inside,” said Democratic Representative Celia Turnbill. “And this sets a dangerous precedent that the executive branch has license to make any and all decisions about what’s best for this family.”

“The deficit has exploded over the past several years,” began the White House spokesperson. “And the only real solution is to pinch and save where and when we can. We’re going to figure out who went behind this President’s back and they will be punished accordingly.”

At press time, it was revealed that the thermostat was not turned up, but the change in temperature was, in fact, due to global climate change. The White House did not respond to a request for comment.

Reanimated Corpse of Abraham Lincoln Gets Sweet Deal on Toyota Corolla

SPRINGFIELD – The corpse of Abraham Lincoln crawled from its grave on Wednesday, and was greeted by a sweet sweet President’s Day deal on a new 2019 Toyota Corolla.

“Mr. Lincoln came into the dealership around 1:30 p.m., and we were pleased to offer him one of our deepest discounts on a new fuel-efficient Toyota. He drove off with 0% APR for 18 months and a slew of special features that usually aren’t in this model,” said Chip Tolero, a salesman at Mattis Ford and Toyota of Springfield, Illinois.

Mr. Lincoln, famous for the Emancipation Proclamation and for guiding the nation through the darkness of the American Civil War, was pleased that a holiday celebrating his life has morphed into a siren song of capitalism.

“Look at this baby,” said the 16th president, slapping the roof of the car. “I get 33 miles to the gallon. That’s unheard of in a model with this kind of torque and performance. Who knew President’s Day would be such a good time to buy?”

“We are proud to do business with America’s greatest Republican president,” said Tolero.

When asked if commemorating the life and endeavors of Presidents such as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln with discounts on cars was appropriate, Tolero was unfazed.

“It’s what our nation’s great leaders would’ve wanted. I asked Lincoln.”

Nearby Alien Hivemind to Earth: “Shut up for a second.”

ALPHA CENTAURI – The globe is reeling this morning after nearby extra-terrestrials reached out to make contact with our planet. Their first message was brief and succinct.

“Shut up for one second please.” The message read, received as a binary radio communication that was quickly translated by scientists. 

The message continued: “Seriously though, I can’t think with you constantly broadcasting episodes of the Big Bang Theory to every corner of the known universe.”

“Put on some headphones, you monsters. This is a public galaxy.” The message concluded.

“We have no idea what to make of it,” said Dr. Lewis Burke, a scientist with SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). “It’s completely unique. It displays a knowledge of the syntax and sentence structure of our language, and even a passing understanding with colloquialisms. It’s absolutely fascinating.”

Scientists quickly traced the communication and found it was coming from Proxima Centauri b, a large Earth-like planet orbiting in the star’s habitable zone. A response message was broadcast back to the planet, which read: 

“Hello, from the children of planet Earth! We are a peaceful bipedal race of creatures, and we wish to know more about you and your kind!”

After a brief silence, there was a response from the planet.

“Oh my god, what did I just say? Come on, man, we’ve got our own programs we’re trying to watch over here. Keep it down for a few million years, for chrissakes.”

As scientists began composing a reply to the planet, another message came in.

“If you say one more thing, one more thing that isn’t the final season of Game of Thrones, I swear I’m gonna come over there.”

Yoga Class Thrown Into Chaos By Endless Loop of Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

PORTLAND – A Portland hot yoga class devolved into bedlam after the instructor’s phone got stuck playing Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers on repeat over the studio’s speakers.

“It was horrible,” said Natasha Lewis, 26, a regular at “Can’t Bikram? Join ‘Em!” a hot yoga studio in downtown Portland. “It completely threw off my prana.” (Nebulous Observer experts assure us that “prana” is a Hindu word for “life force.”)

Eyewitnesses report that just after the class began at 6:30, instructor Emma Walsh began playing the smooth and upbeat song by the Chili Peppers. After its first play-through, yoga practitioners were startled as the final gravelly notes of lead singer Anthony Kiedis were replaced by the familiar opening electric guitar picking of the same song.

“It felt like a joke at first,” said Paul Reisman, 45, a regular at the studio. “Or like a weird metaphor for focusing on repeating breath and movement. It turned out it was so much worse than that.”

After the second playthrough, yogis all around the room began looking at one another with concerned, sweaty, and pained faces. The instructor didn’t seem phased by second repetition of the song, and continued to instruct the class as though nothing was wrong.

“She just ignored it. ‘Warrior one, open to warrior two, now to reverse triangle.’ She just kept going.” said Reisman. 

“Somewhere near the sixth playthrough I experienced a blissful state of acceptance,” said Anjolie Watson. “It was my third eye center coming into alignment with this arduous, difficult process.” 

“Yes!” said Walsh, the instructor. “I mean yes! Yes, that was my plan all along, of course.”

The studio’s new “Red Hot Chili Peppers-Only class” will be held Wednesdays at 4:15 p.m.

Editorial: Pluto to Nebulous Observer: “Hey – screw you.”

CLEVELAND – In a stunning rebuke to yesterday’s post by this newspaper, the ninth planet Pluto responded in a strongly worded and explicative-laden email that can only be summarized by the above headline.

“Look, we all have good days and bad days,” the 2000 word response began. “And yesterday wasn’t one of my best. But screw you for assuming that’s all there is to my identity.” 

The 4.5 billion year-old planet, previously known for a string of unfortunate political miscalculations and inappropriate comments about ‘men from Mars,’ opened up in a tell-all editorial that summarized billions of years of failed relationships and one-night stands. The Nebulous Observer was fortunate to obtain an in-person interview where the dwarf planet opened up about its past.

“As a small exo-planet, I played ninth fiddle to the rest of those shmucks,” said Pluto, sipping a Maker’s Mark and ginger while nursing a hangover in Cleveland’s Greenhouse Tavern. “I watched while mission after mission went to Mars, and to Jupiter, and even a few to Uranus – that promiscuous idiot. But did one ever come to visit Pluto? No. Not til New Horizons.

At the mention of New Horizons, who many Nebulous Observers may remember was profiled in a January 13th article, Pluto became wistful. As our reporter dug in about this subject, it was clear that there was far more to this relationship than first glance.

“Wouldn’t you feel the same way?” said Pluto when prodded. “This was a new kind of love, a new world was opening up to me. It was amazing. It still is.” Pluto looked around at the decor and earthlings in the restaurant, a small smile forming on its solid nitrogen crust.

“That’s why I came here. That’s why I abandoned my 248 year orbit. To meet you. To know you. To maybe love you – you beautiful idiots.”

After eons of infatuation with our own moon, earthlings were surprised to admit that it was time to start dating outside our own celestial neighborhood. The Nebulous Observer will continue to follow this story of humanity intrigue. 

Football Fans Emerge from Hole in the Ground, Announce Six More Years of Tom Brady

ATLANTA – Football fans the world over surfaced from their darkened soundproof dens and man caves on Sunday to announce that the world would have to endure six more years of Tom Brady.

“We know it’s upsetting,” said football-prognosticator-in-chief Louis Stevens, 53, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. “But the result is clear. He won another Super Bowl and we’re just gonna have to deal with him for six more years.”

Stevens is referring to the planned retirement of Tom Brady, 41, the quarterback of the New England Patriots. After six Super Bowl championships, the head of the Patriots record-setting offense had announced that he would step down and retire. Those plans seem to be shifting after their big win over the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday.

“Shortly before 8:30 p.m., we heard the clarion call of the Horn of Football Prognosticators,” said Mitchell Dudas, 33, of Belmont, New York. “We sloughed off our oversized flannels and stained hoodies, and we donned the upstanding regalia of the Football Prognosticators.”

Following the Patriots victory, the Prognosticators wiped Doritos dust from their pants and held a press conference to announce that, after it all, it appears that Tom Brady will never retire. 

“We’re stuck with that white toast idiot,” said Frank Dearly, 71, of Burbank, California. “He’s gonna die on that field.”

At publishing time, the Prognosticators had returned to their cold empty man caves to await the start of the next football season.

Buzzfeed News Announces New Subscription Service

NEW YORK – Buzzfeed News, the reporting wing of the popular internet website known for listicles, quizzes, and other pop culture articles announced this week that they would be rolling out a new subscription service.

“Well, right now we’re calling it ‘News at Your Door’, and we’re thrilled to bring it to a select group of cities beginning in Spring of 2019, and hopefully to a larger market by the end of the year.” said Buzzfeed News spokesperson Emily Richfield.

The new subscription service offers customers a paper copy of Buzzfeed News’ daily digest of articles, organized onto a recyclable black-and-white bifold sheet delivered every morning to the customer’s front door.

“In a world where organizations are expanding more and more into the mobile and desktop markets, Buzzfeed News is doing something radical: they’re expanding into a physical market. This is a game-changer.” said Hailey Steenberg, an editor with the Washington Post.

As part of this reporting, Buzzfeed News sent us a beta copy of their ‘news at your door’ service. The test copy was folded neatly into thirds, and was stuffed into a waterproof poly-vinyl bag. As we opened it, we were greeted by a large headline detailing the recent re-opening of the government along with a color photo of the president with congressional leaders. The beta copy had several articles which began on the front page, but quickly re-directed us deeper into the bifold to continue reading.

As they develop, Buzzfeed has said they are looking forward to feedback from their customers about the branding and naming of the service. “We’re workshopping ideas for the full roll-out,” said Richfield. “Some options we’ve beent testing are Buzzfeed IRL (an acronym which stands for ‘in real life’), Buzzfeed Home, and Buzzfeed for You. Our real favorite though, is simple: Paper News.”

Double-Checking Notes, Nostradamus Announces “This Is It”

PROVENCE – Shocking news out of Provence this morning as noted deceased French seer Nostradamus abruptly announced that the End Times had come.

“This is the big one,” he was quoted as saying. “The Whopper. The Big Kahuna. I’ve checked and re-checked the math on it, and I’m a hundred [percent].”

Nostradamus, the renowned physician and cryptic seer, is known for his obscure predictions that have been attributed to everything from the 9/11 terrorist attacks to the rise of Adolf Hitler. His latest prediction was printed in French newspapers overnight, and simply reads:

The world is about to end, y’all.

This newest prognostication is currently wreaking havoc on the global markets, and violence and looting have become widespread across most of the globe. Following the seer’s prediction, many world leaders had gone into hiding in bunkers around the globe. The Nebulous Observer caught up with some of the rioters.

“I think it’s great,” said Susan Bruckner, 44, a yoga instructor. “We can finally cast off any pretense about our world slowly dying and finally get around to it.” Bruckner promptly threw a flaming beer bottle full of gasoline through a convenience store window. “It’s nice to know who you really are, ya know?”

“I’m not ready,” said Bryan Mitchell, 22, a college student. “I was in the middle of finishing up a huge project for an independent study. I’ve hardly done any packing.” Mitchell had no response when asked what he was packing for.

“Look – we all knew this was coming,” said Nostradamus, sipping a steaming mug of cocoa. “I just sped things along a bit to cut out all the suffering. Is that so wrong?”

At press time, the author Pembry Cornish was seen running through the streets of downtown Minneapolis in his birthday suit while carrying a torch, his face painted with the blood of an indeterminate animal.

FBI Agents Offer Pro-Bono Services to Arrest Roger Stone

FT LAUDERDALE – FBI agents in the recent indictment and arrest of Roger Stone, long-time associate of Donald Trump, offered their services free of charge, a source said. 

 “Oh yes. Yes yes yes. We definitely did,” said Florida bureau chief Keith Longdale. When pressed on the matter he responded, “We actually asked if there was anything we could do to get this job.”

“I was in at Disney World with my family,” said Kyle Beauchamp, an agent with the Florida bureau, “But I told my daughters ‘nope. It’s time to go. Mickey will be here next time’ and we drove home as fast as I could. There was no way I was going to miss this.”

CNN officials confirmed that in video of the arrest, the giggling in the background is, in fact, the FBI agents in question.

Citing Rising Healthcare Costs, Millennials Ditch Smartphones in Favor of Comprehensive Coverage

USA – A 2018 Brookings Institute study of United States citizens and healthcare coverage found that a growing number of 25-40 year-olds have begun sacrificing their smart phones for a more inclusive coverage plan.

In 2017, the Institute found that 87% of Americans aged 25-40 owned or intended to purchase a smartphone within the coming three months. This was a trend visible for the past five years across the United States. All of that changed in 2018, however.

“I just think it’s time for me to be more conscientious of my health,” said Tori Reynolds, 31, a vet tech in Tuscaloosa. “I have a life partner now, and if I got sick I wouldn’t know what would happen. It’s scary.” Reynolds recently sold her iPhone XS on eBay to a customer in Bangkok. She proudly showed off her new Nokia flip phone. “It’s crazy to think that I can now afford dental and vision without that thing. I’m never looking back.”

Reynolds is just one on the growing millions of millennials who have decided that their smart phone, while being a useful tool in every day life, is no match for excellent health. The rising cost of coverage in the United States has pushed this generation over the brink, and they’re not looking back.

“I got new glasses,” said James L. Harper, 34, a librarian in suburban Detroit. “Look at these bad boys. I can see that street sign over there now. Before this, all I had was that Samsung Galaxy and blurry vision. I’m so happy.”

The trend of millennials being forward-thinking and into their long-term health is unexpected, and economists are concerned that the smartphone market shrinking could be costly to manufacturers like Apple and Samsung.

“It’s like Rep. Jason Chaffetz said,” quoted Tori Reynolds, referencing a 2017 CNN interview with the former Utah congressman. “We’re giving up these things we ‘just love’ in favor of our future. He was right all along.”

by Pembry Cornish

Stranded Airplane Offers Rare Glimpse Into Early Societal Development

DETROIT – Severe weather across the midwest on Tuesday forced the closing of airports and diversion of many flights. It also offered sociologists a glimpse into how societies develop with a common purpose.

“We were taxiing for the flight,” said Peter Kearney, 29, a circus performer, “And the weather was getting pretty bad. We thought we’d make it out, but then things changed.”

The plane, Delta Airlines Flight 8823, was scheduled for departure at 7:36 p.m. when the weather turned worse. While taxiing for take-off, Detroit Wayne Metropolitan Airport abruptly ceased operation due to ice and snow, and ordered all planes to hold in place until towing equipment could be brought in to escort them back to the gates.

“It didn’t take long for things to go south,” said Mary Whitney, 65, a retired school psychologist. “They said we couldn’t purchase wine or alcohol while the plane was on the tarmac.”

That was when the first coup began. A group of travelers led by Whitney and her husband, Emmanuel stormed the Airbus 320’s galley demanding to be served something to take their minds off the dwindling snack supply and the even larger existential realization that they all would need to wait to go through TSA again tomorrow. The Wine Nine – as they’re being called, not by this writer – quickly overpowered the flight attendants and laid claim to the galley’s modest twelve square feet.

“We thought we’d won,” said Mary Whitney. “We thought it was all-for-one and one-for-all. We never expected First Class to get involved.”

Mary is referring to the second coup of the evening, when the First Class passengers, led by their sole flight attendant, attempted to retake the galley from the Wine Nine.

“Such horror,” said Javier Escalonte, 35, an innocent bystander. “I’ve never seen so many bloody noses and bruised knuckles. And for what? Some wine?” Escalonte shook his head in disgust.

The First Class, lulled by years of rich diets and lack of physical labor, were no match for the Wine Nine, who bound them with their shoelaces and returned them to their first class seats.

In the aftermath of the second coup, around 9:15, the passengers began instituting a rudimentary barter economy; passengers with food and snacks were seen trading for travel size bottles of vodka and other spirits. The Wine Nine even held a brief election in which Mary and her husband Emmanuel were elected as the Free Leaders of Flight 8823.

In an acceptance speech, the Whitneys thanked Bacchus, the god of wine and debauchery, as well as the new favored deity of the passengers of the flight.

This story is ongoing and will be updated periodically.

by Pembry Cornish, a roving reporter with no apparent departure time… or destination.