After Millenia, Window Closes

SEA OF CORTEZ – Tensions in the Northern Hemisphere reached a new climax last week when the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean decided to meet no more.

The result?

The Arch of Cabo San Lucas, known to locals as the “Window” will undergo a permanent closing process. Erosion is slated to continue immediately.

However, a source who works near the Window was unable to say when it might close altogether. “It could be a while. I mean, it’s been open for a while. It could be a while. I mean… a while.”

It is unclear why the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean decided not to meet again. It throws into question the future of the tourist industry, which now seems murky.

“People sail down here. How are they going to get from the Sea to the Ocean, or the other way, if the two don’t meet no more?”

Many locals showed their remorse for the breakdown in relations by swimming, snorkeling, taking water taxis out to view sea lions basking on rocks and barking incessantly from their smelly perch, and just about anything else to distract themselves from the grief they felt.

“It’s a shame,” said one tourist. “That window was always so clean. You could like… see right through it… like it was open or something.”

by Dan Plighter

Guest Thanks Host for Dinner… Then Eats

SAN FRANCISCO – At a recent dinner party for silicon valley elites, a guest thanked her host before taking her first bite of dinner. Then things turned sour.

“I should never have said anything. Dinner was almost inedible.”

The guest managed to muscle down her entree, and even had a second helping of dessert before excusing herself.

“I almost didn’t get out of there. I was so full. But dinner was awful.”

by Dan Plighter

BREAKING NEWS – White House Staffers Consult Casting Agency

WASHINGTON – Following another failed attempt at reaching any kind of agreement to end the government shutdown, two White House staff members (who wish to remain anonymous) consulted a New York casting agency (who also wishes to remain anonymous) in search of an actor who can act like a president.

“He stormed out of the room and then tweeted. People’s lives are at stake and he’s on his cell phone.”

The White House staff members then huddled in a corner and brainstormed.

“The idea came from a trip to the theater over the holidays. When we talked about the quality of the performances, we went down this rabbit hole of what it means to do a good job. We decided to do something drastic.”

The staff members are in discussions with congress to facilitate a casting session in the next week. There will be a script provided, but the right actor will need to be able to improvise, and deal with CNN.

“Our next option is to hire a preschool teacher to come and talk with the president and congress to explore what it means to listen.”

by Dan Plighter

Estate Reanimates Corpse and Sues

NEW ENGLAND – The estate of American novelist, F. Scott Fitzgerald, successfully reanimated the corpse of Fitzgerald, and subsequently filed for copyright extensions.

As many works of fiction written in the early 20th century reach the end of their copyright protection and enter the public domain, the face of publishing is shifting. No longer will there be definitive versions of classics such as The Great Gatsby. Entering the public domain will open these works to fan fiction, reinterpretation, and most importantly: free copies riddled with typos available on the world wide web. While previously only available at every library across the country as well as nearly every new and used book store in multitudes, some complain these classics hard to find.

One man without an education decried, “The Great Gatsby? Sure I would have read it if I hadn’t dropped out of school, or if I could even get my hands on it. I was forced to watch the movie. Both of them. But I liked The Great Train Robbery better.”

In an attempt to squelch the loss of copyright control, Fitzgerald’s estate reanimated the significantly decayed corpse of the author to prove he was still alive. The estate credits this reanimation possibility to both the discovery of the structure of DNA in 1953, and to Mary Shelley. The lead scientist involved in the reanimation project state, “If Shelley knew about DNA, Frankenstein would have been a very different story.”

Real life Dr. Frankenstein, incidentally named Dr. Frankenstein III, was expelled from Cold Water Springs, an industry leader in genetic research, when he was caught digging up corpses. “I don’t agree that there’s a difference between changing genes in the tube, and reanimating what’s already lived and died. They’re both science.” But when Dr. Frankenstein III was contacted by the Fitzgerald estate, he felt vindicated. “I’m a scientist. And now I’m a scientist working on something classic. I’m a classic scientist. It’s kismet.”

But to some, this immoral and illegal process of bringing back the dead strikes a nerve. “What is this, Geriatric Park?”

The lawyer for the Fitzgerald estate said in a statement, “The family members of these artists need the money. They don’t need to contribute to society. Their grandfather wrote a classic. You should be so lucky.”

The result of the copyright extension request is pending review at the time of this publication.

by Dan Plighter

Writer Plagiarizes Himself

NEW YORK – An unknown writer is suing himself for plagiarism.

“I found an old story I’d written, and then I changed the title, and then I resubmitted it for publication.”

The discovery of self plagiarism was a shock. He turned himself in immediately.

“I couldn’t believe I’d do that to another writer, let alone myself. It’s deplorable.”

Family members expressed concern for the scandal.

“He worked hard on that story. And to think he would just change the title and claim it as his own?”

News of the situation forced the magazine publisher to pull the story from consideration until the lawsuit is cleared up.

by Dan Plighter

Nobel Winner Credits D-Rings

SWITZERLAND – Nobel prize winner in Linguistics, Zoe Didamaker, thanked D-Rings in her lecture upon accepting the coveted prize.

“I have to, of course, defer this discovery to my assistant at the time, but doctoral students never get any credit for a reason… at any rate D-Rings changed my world. Suddenly, my binders were working with me, not against me.”

She went on to credit the D-rings for an ease with organization, thus freeing up her time for important science. Didamaker concluded her lecture by saying she could not have reached the place she has professionally without the hole-punch.

“It changed my life.”

by Dan Plighter

Stage Manager Takes Control

MILWAUKEE – A stage manager for a small theater company in Milwaukee recently took complete control over rehearsals, usurping the director’s position entirely.

The stage manager, Kiera, said in a statement, “We were constantly talking about other things. No one would have rehearsed if I didn’t make them.” Following the change of guard, Kiera forced the actors to say their lines and follow the agreed on staging in a timely manner.

“I didn’t notice,” said one of the actors. “And there was still coffee in the green room.”

But the director was gobsmacked. “The stage manager usually runs the show, but not before opening. This was unheard of.”

An actor who has reportedly been in the business for over thirty years said, “I’ve seen a lot [of stage managers] try. I’ve never seen one actually do it. It was really something.”

The director watched helplessly as rehearsals continued, transitioned into tech rehearsals, and then opened to fair reviews.

“We opened on time. We were prepared,” said Kiera. Critics, however, were skeptical, and protests outside posited the idea that if they opened on the same day as planned before the coup, then why the takeover?

Others have shown their support by attending the performance early, ready to be seated the moment the house opens. The house manager says she’s never seen anything like it. “We could even start the show early each night, get it over with, and then go home.”

“I can’t speak to the quality of the performances,” said Kiera, “but the show runs on time, it’s consistent, the actors do what they’re told. That’s good theater.”

Throughout the process, all union actors still received their union breaks.

by Dan Plighter

Government Shutdown… Permanent

WASHINGTON – Heading into a third week of partial government shutdown, US President and a newly diverse congress have released a report showing how much more efficient the government is when it is not working. At all.

The result? They’re shutting down permanently.

“It’s like a car that’s off. It uses less gas. You know? GREAT.”

Ensuring their own offspring has all they need for the rest of their lives, members of Congress siphoned remaining funds into their own investment accounts in a rare show of honesty. Previously, when corruption and negligence were marks against public servants, such greed was covert.

“It’s wonderful,” said a newly elected congressman. “I got into politics for a good retirement. Now it’s come so quickly. I really lucked out. I’m really glad I ran for Congress and won.”

Critics have pointed out that medical care, transportation, and well… most of the country will suffer without at least partial government help.

“That’s not our problem anymore,” responded another member of congress who requested anonymity. “The American people should have thought of that and won congressional seats themselves if they wanted the good life.”

Since the news broke of a complete and permanent shutdown, gun sales have soared. “Well there aren’t any pesky constitutional rights to argue about anymore,” said one salesman. “And I’m swimming in money anyway so I’m all set.”

Demonstrations took place in many major metropoliseseses. The main question in the air now seems to be: if we are not governed as the United States of America, then who are we?

by Dan Plighter

From the Editor

“These are the Headlines, Folks”

Our motto. Our mantra. Our reality.

Welcome to the Nebulous Observer. We hope we will be your source for up to the month news from around the world. Our small but mighty circulation will never fail to be discreet; so much so that you may not be able to find a copy. Please keep trying.

Our journal, like the penguin, was never meant to take off. And like said penguin, we intend to waddle around in the cold and sit on our own feet as we bring news in its most immediate and desired form: print.

In these nebulous times, we look for something to grab on to.

by Dan Plighter, Editor in Chief of The NO