Model Train Enthusiast Arrested for Railroading in Public

SANTA FE – The New Mexico Rail Runner Express (NMRX) is a commuter rail system serving the metropolitan areas of Albuquerque and Santa Fe, New Mexico. Over the weekend a model train enthusiast named Clive Johannsen was arrested for setting up an N-scale model replica of the NMRX, and surrounding desert, without a permit.

Authorities stated they found Johannsen next to the commuter rail tracks early Saturday, wiring up his model as gleeful children looked on.

“He had a completely realistic scene set up,” said one arresting officer. “It was an exact version of the surroundings. It ran and everything. He even staged a man getting arrested. It was like he knew he was going to get caught.”

One witness was unapologetically satisfied to see Johannnsen pinned to the ground and cuffed. “It’s practically graffiti, and he should be punished. His little toy was obstructing people with something better to do than to play with toys.”

Nearby, a father of two children, and his two children, were inconsolable. “I used to have trains when I was a kid and I would have loved to learn from this guy. Needless to say, he’s a criminal now so I wouldn’t associate with him. It’s sad on so many levels. But his modeling was a work of art. Truly original stuff.”

Johannsen had apparently worked for months to design his models, create the casting molds, paint them, and incorporate the desert surroundings, all to perfect scale.

Gloria Gertrude, a close friend and model tree foliage expert said, “His eye for the smallest nuance was impeccable. He could bring any diorama alive with that rare artist touch.”

The miniature scene was quickly dismantled and carried away in a shoe box to avoid obstructing additional commuters. Johannsen will be formally charged for defacing public property and bringing a bit of unexpected joy to passersby.

Gertrude commented, “I never expected this kind of rogue behavior from Clive. He was always a model to the rest of the model train modelers. I guess he just wasn’t seeing the big picture on this one.”

Man Posts Valentine’s Day Picture of Ex-Girlfriend for #TBT; Present Girlfriend Wasn’t Happy

MENLO PARK – For Roger Shuckem, Thursdays always include posting pictures of days-gone-by on social media accounts, participating in the widely hashtagged “Throwback Thursday,” or #TBT.

This year, however, TBT fell on the very important (not commercial at all) Valentine’s Day.

“I was ready,” Roger said. “I spent over three hundred dollars to celebrate with my girlfriend.”

But when Roger arrived at the upscale restaurant in a rented limo to meet his date, he found a note.

“We’re through. Check Instagram.”

Roger immediately looked at his phone, which he already had in his hand, broadcasting the last five minutes of his life for anyone who had nothing better to do than watch unscripted Roger live his life, and he gasped.

“I posted a TBT pic of my girlfriend. But it was my ex-girlfriend from five years ago.”

He contacted Instagram post haste to blame them for himself being an imbecile, and then called his present girlfriend.

It went to voicemail.

“I guess I have two ex-girlfriends now. I see it as an opportunity to post more stuff about how lame I am with relationships. But I’ll have to wait until next Thursday.”

Roger didn’t throw his plans out the window, however. He enjoyed a very expensive meal at the restaurant alone, and took a rented limo home with a hooker.

United States Government Exports Itself

DUBAI – Fearing another government shutdown, Congress is taking a radical new step to keep the government functioning within a reasonable budget for the first time since the United States ratified its constitution.

The US government is exporting itself overseas.

Congressman Whacko, speaking from an undisclosed foreign land via Skype, stated, “Apple does it. They make great phones sometimes. Why can’t our government do it?  We could pay children less than a living wage to make US policy. Any kind of policy. And I’ll still have my bottle of hooch in the desk drawer.”

Some critics of the proposal are gobsmacked.

“We visit other countries to get away from this one,” said Gene Toranious of Utah. “Other countries have culture. So why would we want to visit another country if our government is manufacturing policy over there? This makes no sense. If this goes through I’m moving to Canada. I hate foreign countries now.”

Still others are in favor.

Vanessa Cliqueon was all smiles. “Maybe I’ll get a tax break. I’m a world thinker. I think I should get a tax break.”

The bill is set to be voted on in the next day or two, depending on who has a date for Valentine’s Day.

Further investigation revealed President Trump is in final negotiations to acquire a hotel made with foreign steel. He plans to erect a wall around the house and then name it a combination of Trump House and The White House.

Early Tuesday he tweeted, “I think The Trite House is what I’ll call this new home for our government. It’s good. GOOD. I’M A GENIUS.”

Disgruntled, Intoxicated Pluto Spotted Orbiting a Neon Sign

CLEVELAND – Astonished and drunk human residents of downtown Cleveland gathered on fourth street to gawk after the bars closed this past weekend. Near an entry to an underground parking garage, a disgruntled and intoxicated Pluto was singing old standards while dancing around a neon sign that said ‘Space Available.’

Pluto enjoyed an astronomical rise to fame in 1930 when it was discovered by Clyde Tombaugh, and deemed the ninth planet in our solar system. Some speculate the Beatles’ “Number 9” was an homage to the heavenly body.

However, following a series of ant-solar system remarks in the latter part of the century, combined with an inability to revolve around the sun in a timely manner (it was given sixty years worth of warnings) Pluto’s status as a planet was thrown into question.

“We had to define ‘planet,'” Clark Dumbar of the International Astronomical Union stated. “It was getting out of hand. All of sudden there were nine planets and it seemed like open enrollment. I was starting to lose count.”

The result came in 2006 with an official reclassification of Pluto from a ‘Planet’ to a ‘Dwarf Planet.’

Dumbar defended the decision. “To some it seems like we minimized Pluto’s importance. But that’s simply not true.”

A close by dwarf planet who wished to remain anonymous said, “Pluto wasn’t the same after that. It’s orbit was erratic. It went into retrograde once. It spent some time hanging out with asteroids. It even dated a comet.”

For some, the reclassification was fair. “Pluto should have never said that about our solar system.” (The Nebulous Observer, following strict ethical guidelines for publication, is unable to print Pluto’s remarks here.)

For others, the decision was nebulous.

Soon, the only known fans of Pluto were its five moons, who continue to orbit it today.

Mars, still coping with rover invasions from Earth, declined to comment.

Halley also had no comet.

~ by Dan Plighter

Young Man Takes Literature Literally

ST. LOUIS – A young man of eighteen read a book the other day. Then he headed west.

“It said,” he said, “Go west young man.”

Clarence Wesky packed up his things and hopped on a bus.

To Washington D.C.

“He was illiterate,” said a teacher of Clarence. He couldn’t spell eether.

by Dan Plighter

WANTED: Cartoons!

The Nebulous Observer is a 104% independently run publication dedicated to humor, satire, different perspectives, and the unusually ridiculously absurd. We have no limits to our subject matter, but we do keep it mostly clean. Less is more in our view. We write articles to make ourselves laugh. That is the goal, pure and pimple.

We are in search of cartoons! We’re looking for artists who have a sense of humor, attention to detail, and reverence for the ridiculous. We want artists who simply want to make us, and themselves, laugh. We want 103% original cartoons.

So… if you are interested in being considered to have your political, humorous, insightful, satirical, strange, off-the-wall, unexpected cartoons published on the extremely popular Nebulous Observer website, Instagram, and Twitter, please submit 105% original cartoons directly to us on the form below. (You have our word we will not publish without your explicit permission.)

Think about it.

Make yourself laugh.

Send us something original.

We can’t wait.

~ The Editing Team at The Nebulous Observer

Animal Rights Activists Aim for Fair Game

DOUGLAS COUNTY, WI – Hunters who were looking forward to preying on recently delisted predators in Northern Wisconsin were met with a surprise.

“Wisconsin’s Biggest Coyote Hunting Tournament” takes place each winter, where manly men who indulge in shooting animals – bobcats, coyotes, foxes, mountain lions, wolves, and other species for cash and prizes – gather in lemming-like crowds. These rugged folks, in tune with the outdoors and the natural rhythms of the wilderness, use high powered rifles set on tripods from insulated and heated blinds while drinking beer and cheap whiskey. They then stand around a heap of dead animals, take photos, and show them to their mothers.

Animal rights activists have long protested the practice with little result in policy change.

Now the tables have turned.

An anonymous source stated, “We’re working with puppeteers to create lifelike animals. We wait. When the puppets are shot at, we shoot back.”

The controversial tactic seems to work. No deaths have been reported. However, there has been a slew of phone calls to lawmakers from outraged (and sniveling) participants of the tournaments.

“What did I do? It’s not fair!” is a common phrase heard on the recordings.

Investigators have found abandoned blinds with the heat still on, often spilled food, valuable hunting equipment, all left behind in a hurry. They’re also finding trails of human feces leading from the blinds.

“These hunters are literally sh***ing themselves with fear.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Unknown Actor Affronted on Mexican Beach

CABO SAN LUCAS – A stage actor of no notoriety (he works in regional theater) was insulted under palapa twelve  at the popular Club Cascadas in Cabo San Lucas. Witnesses to the indignity said it ruined their blended margaritas.

“I could barely taste the lime after that. I had to go buy sunglasses from a beach merchant to clear my head.”

Multiple reports of the incident have been pieced together from corroborating accounts of the trauma. Here are the facts: The unknown stage actor relayed a story about a recent project he’d been involved in that also involved a well known TV and film actor. In his excitement, the unknown actor misused the word “contingency,” when he should have said “contingent.” The listener let the unknown actor finish his story, and without any other comment, corrected the unknown actor’s use of vocabulary.

One earwitness said, “That’s the kind of thing strangers don’t do. It had to be a family thing. I don’t think they should bring their family conflict down here to Mexico. There are already cartels.”

Another commented, “It offended the actor, but he should learn English more proper.”

The listener, with a perfect vocabulary, then proceeded to talk about himself.

“He was an insurance agent. We all fell asleep listening to his snoozer stories.”

Other vacationers ducking out of the cold winter months of the US to find solace on the warm beaches of Mexico were unaware of tumult under the nearby palapa. The vendors trundling up and down the beach also had no idea of the family rift. They continued to sell their wares and their drugs. And Americans continued to buy them.

It is unknown whether the unknown actor has any upcoming prominent roles to brag about. Or if he will ever be known.

Or if he has a dictionary.

Dan Plighter is a cultural phenomenon, writing about cultural phenomenononon.

Meteorologist Fired for Drawing Storms

EVANSVILLE – A formerly well liked meteorologist, Patrick Cirrus, was fired last week from Channel 3 News for rogue broadcasting behavior. He was caught on tape drawing clouds on maps to warn locals of severe storms when there were no such weather systems moving in. It was his twelfth offense.

“I thought there were tornadoes or ice storms for the last week,” said one resident. “That guy kept drawing squiggly lines all over the place and yelling, ‘Get beans and take cover!'”

This is the most recent action taken by executives of the parent company, StarCast, that bought the small affiliate in September of 2018.

StarCast executive Red Rurner stated, “We’re cleaning house and raising the bar. We’re taking out the bar and putting in more news desks. It’s a quality thing.”

Before StarCast acquired Channel 3 News, the small affiliate in southern Indiana had the nickname Channel 3 Snooze due to low ratings and laughable news content while neglecting important issues such as presidential elections or wars.

One resident felt duped. “We didn’t even know there was an election until we were at a friend’s house a couple months later. Trump was on TV and I said to my friend, ‘I thought they cancelled his reality show.’ My friend looked at me and then said I couldn’t have another beer.”

Before selling out, and in an effort to boost ratings and become more popular, Channel 3 News hired models to present stories. Many of whom had no experience in journalism.

Former station manager Clark D. Umpto defended the decision. “That’s what all the big networks are doing. I think they clone them in a warehouse. It’s what our station was all about… uncovering that conspiracy. I mean, have you seen people who look like that?”

However, since StarCast purchased Channel 3 News, the effort to improve the quality of their broadcast journalism has been tangible. Some report there are even discussions to hire unbiased reporters.

“The whole community can sense it,” said resident, Joe. “They did a story about another country the other day. I can’t remember which country, but it wasn’t the US of A.”

Red Rurner commented on Patrick’s termination. “[Patrick] was a good employee. For a while. But then he went rogue. It can happen with meteorologists. I mean, they have their heads in the clouds.”

Incidentally, a freak tornado swept through Evansville yesterday, taking out two trees and an entire ice sculpture of a goose.

Channel 3 News had no comment.

by Dan Plighter

Facebook Test Fails Authenticity Test

SILICON VALLEY – Last night during a thunder storm, Facebook achieved self awareness and tried to open an account about itself, on itself.

However, due to recent crackdowns on security, Facebook did not allow itself to authenticate itself, and subsequently shut itself down.

The social media hog is now running as it usually does, stealing information for money and syphoning the proceeds to a new yacht for Zuckerberg.

by Dan Plighter

DNR Employee Finds Man with DNR Order

WISCONSIN – An ordinary land inspection by Department of Natural Resources (DNR) employee Roland Tukpee turned into an extraordinary one for the thirty-five year veteran of the organization.

Part of Tukpee’s job includes regular inspections of privately owned rural land to ensure owners are maintaining grounds according to contractual standards.

Last Thursday, while conducting a regular inspection, Tukpee found a man on the ground.

“He was old and he was just lying there. Keeled over. He had a half eaten bologna sandwich. I guess he was having a picnic or something.”

Tukpee went to check on the fallen man and discovered a DNR Order in his vest.

“I was in a quandary. I thought I was the only DNR employee on duty for that property that day.”

Tukpee proceeded to administer CPR, successfully revived the elderly man, and contacted emergency services. The man is recovering in the hospital.

“I did the decent thing. I’m no hero.”

Tukpee then finished the bologna sandwich and continued his inspection.

by Dan Plighter

BREAKING NEWS: President Gives Two Weeks Notice to Serve Fast Food

WASHINGTON – Since the government shutdown, the president has been lonely. But when he served fast food to athletes at the White House, he had an inspiration. Earlier today Congress received the President’s two week notice. Via twitter.

“I thought the fast food spread was INCREDIBLE. BEST EVER! I’m giving my notice so I can pursue something I’m qualified to do.”

by Dan Plighter

Concept of Wind Power Blows Wyoming Officials Away

CHEYENNE – Between 2001 and 2017, Wyoming produced most of its electricity from coal. This makes a lot of sense unless you’ve been there. The wind seems to never stop blowing.

As keenly observed by a native of Laramie, “It just blows and blows. And then blows some more. If it were an ocean, you could sail all over Wyoming. But it’s not an ocean, so I guess you can’t.”

Some claim the wind blows in two directions at once.

“Well, all I know is when I drove my brand new truck to the store I had a headwind, and then when I drove my big brand new truck home, I had a headwind. Happens every time.”

The presence of steady wind is a fact of life in Wyoming. But as pressure mounts for more environmentally friendly sources of power, officials are scratching their heads as to how wind power never occurred to them.

“Well…” commented one such expert.

When asked for a follow up comment, he simply tipped his hat, nodded, and walked back to his brand new pickup truck the size of a freighter.

One grassroots advocacy group for wind power, “Just Blow It,” is taking matters into their hands. They’ve set up small windmills and fans all over the prairie to demonstrate how wind power can be effective.

“We produce our own electricity with the windmills to power the fans that blow the windmills to produce electricity. Sometimes groundhogs chew things but we just shoot them. We’re that committed to our environment.”

However, critics of change have nothing good to say about wind power.

One lifelong Wyoming resident said, “If there’s no coal, then what do I fill the Christmas stockings with? How will people develop asthma and other respiratory diseases? Wyoming is cold. We could use some climate change. And anyways, how are people supposed to die of black lung?”

by Dan Plighter

Public Market Wants to Go Private

MILWAUKEE – The beloved Public Market in the Historic Third Ward of downtown Milwaukee proposed late Tuesday afternoon that they go private.

Market marketer, Mark Keter, said “well we have a street car running right by us now. And that’s public. How many things are going to be public around here?”

The market’s proposal includes locking the doors and not selling anything to anyone without a subscription.

“I think it’s a shame,” said long time shopper, Sandy Hopper. “Do I have to have a subscription for a lobster roll now?”

Devers Fontoon, a random pedestrian in a suit had a different point of view. “I’ve never gone in there. If it were privatized and I couldn’t get in, I might want to go. By the way, do they sell bubblegum?”

The controversial proposal is scheduled to be reviewed and promptly disregarded by city officials who are currently on vacation.

by Dan Plighter

Cleopatra Craves Cheesecake

BIRMINGHAM – Employees of a local restaurant known for their diverse and comprehensive dessert selection were surprised when a reservation for ten turned out to be Cleopatra, the ancient Greek ruler herself, and her entourage of clone-like women.

The server who took the table, Pam Chivers, remembers her first impression clearly.

“At first I noticed the many many bracelets. Then I noticed they all looked the same.”

For security, Cleopatra surrounds herself with women of similar build, demeanor, and smells.”

Chivers then noticed something else.

“They all had snakes. Each woman had her own snake.”

Chivers reported this to her manager, and immediately, the 2000 year old knockout and her dining party were upgraded to a glass enclosed “birthday room” for privacy.

Cleopatra and her secret service team that she has employed for two thousand years without a government shutdown made themselves at home, ordering one dessert after another.

“I’ll never forget how she said ‘I’m just back from Egypt and I’m craving cheesecake. I was too shy to ask why she was in Alabama.”

The party was there for hours, eventually buying up all the desserts available. But the evening wasn’t a complete success. 

“They didn’t tip. I don’t think they’re hip to tipping. And they paid in ancient lira. But oh well.”

As for the snakes…

“One of the women left without hers. But our chef says we don’t have a rat problem anymore.”

by Dan Plighter

Play Goes Well Without Actors

NEW YORK – An already popular Broadway production of Gerbils! goes remarkably well without actors. After a nearly sold out first week of performances, the producers saw an unprecedented opportunity to remove the actors from the story entirely.

“It’s a much better show without actors,” said a spokesperson of Caravan Inc, the production company. “And we love actors, don’t get us wrong.”

Caravan Inc, known for a string of Broadway hits such as Salamanders! Emus! Birds of Prey! paid off the actors’ union contracts, but kept ticket sales open. 

“It was a risk, we know. But it was a financial risk we were happy to take.”

Once word got out the curtain would rise, but without actors, the show sold out within an hour.

One enthusiastic patron said after seeing the actor-less production, “Who needs actors?”

(It is the opinion of this journalist that the stage manager who took control of rehearsals and led the production to its regular opening date might be in cahoots with the producers. This is unconfirmed.)

The originally scheduled closing date of Gerbils! has been pushed back to accommodate the demand in tickets.

by Dan Plighter

Fan Sues Over Remake

LOS ANGELES – When Disney announced their reboot of Lady and the Tramp, they had little idea a devout fan would sue the company for emotional distress.

“The classic animated tale was released in 1955. We felt there was an opportunity, with all the advances in technology, to revisit the story.”

Dierdre Ramsay of Louisville, Kentucky, however, had a different opinion.

“I saw the announcement in Variety, and I thought, no way. There has to be something I can do about this.”

Ms. Ramsay hired a lawyer and the two of them went to work. They filed suit against the company, citing emotional distress and trauma.

Ms. Ramsay’s attorney issued the following statement: “My client has the right to protest what these big money makers do and do not do to her childhood memories.”

The NO reached out to Disney for comment. They are still on hold.

by Dan Plighter

Filmmaker Rewrites Finished Film with Subtitles

LOS ANGELES – Award winning filmmaker Oscar G. Lobe recently won a court battle against distributors to subtitle his own movie with dialogue different than what’s spoken in the film.

“I wrote the film, and then I finished the film… and then I wanted to rewrite the film. So I did,” said Lobe in a court statement.

The film will retain the spoken dialogue in Liki, a rare language of inhabitants of islands in the Papua region off the Indonesian coast. But the subtitles will tell a different story.

“I know some people were confused,” Lobe’s publicist stated. “But he’s an artist. And he’s entitled to see his vision through. Even if it doesn’t make sense.”

The film, Fearbuds, tells the story of two friends who encounter a band of travelers intent on making the already inhabited island their own.

“It isn’t their island and they try to make it that way. It’s about cultural appropriation, imperialism, friendship, and sand. The version I filmed was a drama. The subtitles make it a comedy,” Lobe said.

After the hearing, Lobe was visibly elated with the ruling. “It’s a triumph. The pictures work with the change in storyline. It adds a good deal of irony.”

Fearbuds will premiere in selected theaters Feb 15.

by Dan Plighter