Man Battles Signs. Wins.

NEW YORK – An elderly man in complete battle regalia was seen challenging sign posts on 125th today, in a quest for greatness. Onlookers gawked as he approached one sign after another, exchanged words, challenged it to a duel, and proceeded to pull out his rapier and fence with the inanimate object. At times, he called out “judgement!” in an apparent need of regulation and gentlemanliness associated with dueling.

However, it was not long before authorities, approaching cautiously, were able to talk the man down.

“I want mutton!” He exclaimed as he sheathed his rapier.

Later, in jail, after paying a fine for fencing in public with a deadly weapon, the man was recorded as saying, “I’m sorry, I know they were sign posts. But I can read the signs. I thought they might become fence posts.”

~ Dan Plighter

Robert Mueller to Public: “Did you not read my email?”

WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.

“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”

The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.

“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”

Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.

“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.

Nods around the room prompted him to go on.

“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”

Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.

This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.

After Years of Trying to Fix the Subway, Mayor de Blasio to Give Up, Run for President Instead

NEW YORK – New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced on Wednesday that he would join the crowded field of Democrats seeking the 2020 Presidential nomination, after finally giving up trying to repair the aging New York City transit system.

“He just threw his hands up in a meeting with (New York City Transit President) Andy Byford and said ‘That’s it, it’s impossible.,'” mayoral aide Stephanie Howland said. “And he just walked out of the room.”

The mayor’s aides sought to follow him back to his office after his outburst, but the two-term mayor had already barricaded himself inside, launching into a diatribe that could be heard clearly from the hallway.

“‘It’ll never get fixed. Never! We’ve tried everything and nothing’s working,'” one aide quoted from de Blasio’s tirade. The aide went on: “He said, ‘I might as well quit and run for president with how this **** is going.'”

The mayor’s outburst, which included flinging papers and overturning chairs abruptly stopped. The door to his office flew open and he yelled to his staffers outside.

“Get in here, I’ve got an idea.” he said to the crowded group outside the door.

Mayor de Blasio should have no trouble repairing a crumbling, 250 year-old republic of 350 million people after his feeble attempts at fixing a few 100 year-old broken trains.

Recluse Moves to Big City and Loses Friends

NEW YORK – Shawn Kleg has lived in a remote part of the Idaho wilderness for over forty years. In that time he has grown and hunted his own food, fashioned his own clothes and shelter. He even made his own guns.

“I learned how to bore out steel rods. I used musket balls from the shavings. When I killed something, I’d reuse it. Everything took a while, but I had nothing but time.”

Kleg considers himself a philosopher.

“If there’s a thing to think about, I’ve thought about it. I had the time. And I had plenty of friends.”

Kleg then did the unexpected. He moved to New York City.

“I’ve thought about Manhattan for almost forty years. I figured it was time to give that lifestyle a trial run.”

He packed up his things, both of them, and hiked down to Boise where he caught a bus. As he traveled he noticed how things have changed since the late seventies when he ventured away from society and towards the wild.

“For one thing, people have their faces buried in their palms. I finally figured out those were phones. Of course, in the seventies we were all doing ‘ludes, so I guess this is the new drug.”

Over a seventeen day bus ride (due to delays and rerouting, and the generally slow progress of bus travel) Kleg arrived in the Big Apple. He has been staying in a hostel for the last week while he looks at apartments.

“I haven’t touched my investments I made since I walked off the pavement and never looked back. The last thing I did was buy some stock in a startup called Microsoft. I guess they did pretty well.”

Kleg’s biggest adjustment, however, has been isolation.

“There’s no one to talk to in New York. I don’t know how long I’ll stay.”

~ Dan Plighter

Bosnian Pine Applies for Immigrant Visa

GREECE – A tree named Adonis, a Bosnian Pine considered by scientists to be the oldest living tree in all of Europe (an astounding 1075 years old) applied for an immigrant visa this morning to… “anywhere but earth.”

The application, made from self produced parchment and discovered by immigration officer Giorgos Papadopoulos, clearly laid out reasoning that baffled scientists worldwide. It said quite simply, “I’m old and I’ve seen a lot, and this isn’t getting any better. I’m a patient tree, but I have limits. I mean, my God, people! Get it together!”

Ken Smack, a researcher from the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research at the University of Arizona heard the news and immediately hopped on a plane to not only find out what is going on, but also to increase his personal carbon footprint by flying all over the world. “This seems to be written by a sentient being. But it’s a tree. So we’re confused.”

In Greece, Greek tree huggers hired their favorite dendrochronologist, Lisa Dater, to date the application.

“Well,” said Dater, “The logos are all correct, and the watermark is accurate. Also there are some water marks from rain, and it rained last night so… we think it was written early this week. It’s definitely genuine.”

The USCIS is still processing the application, apparently trying to find “anywhere but earth.”

~ by Dan Plighter