Portugal Sues the World

PORTUGAL – Today in an unprecedented lawsuit, all of Portugal’s Port wine makers sued the world to claim the exclusive use of the word ‘Port.’

“It’s not pocket science,” translated the unskilled translator from Courtroom B of the Judiciary of Portugal. “The name ‘Port’ means brandy fortified wine. It can’t also mean a place to put a boat.”

Some argue the name ‘Port’ should instead be removed from all brandy fortified wine from Portugal. 

“Why not call it Tugal?” Said Christiano. “Then there would be no confusion. This is just arrogance.”

Original exports of wine from Portugal spoiled during shipment between… ports. Until one day an alcoholic captain of the first order (official title) was seen drinking and happy aboard a ship where all the other sailors were miserably sober.

Historian Padraig Pallav explained, “Legend has it that particular captain always had a cask of brandy with him, though no one saw it. They think he disguised it as a parrot, though no one can prove that.”

Apparently, the captain added brandy to everything, including his wine. When it didn’t spoil, the idea caught on, leading to what is known as Port wine.

“What are we going to say,” added Christiano, “that we’re going down to the dock where the boats bob about and wait for shipping? No. I will say ‘port.’ I will always say ‘port.’ And I’m a teetotaler. So there.”

~ Dan Plighter

Urban Outfitters to Begin Selling Guillotine for At-Home Beheadings

PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters, the popular clothing and lifestyle store among affluent and chic hipsters, is set to begin offering a life-size guillotine for purchase at all of its 245 stores across the globe.

“Urban Outfitters has long been at the forefront of re-imagining retro cultural mainstays,” said spokesperson Camille Howard. “One of our most popular items has long been our Crosley record players, which began a sort of renaissance of vinyl among today’s youth. We think this new retro offering by UO will be a big hit among the millennial age group.”

The guillotine, which measures a total of 7.5 feet tall and weighs approximately 175 pounds, is a snap to assemble, according to Howard.

“It comes in two equally weighted boxes for easy transport, and you can set it up in under an hour!” Howard exclaimed. “Once the weighted blade – or mouton – is carefully positioned in the grooves, you’re all set to begin executing your enemies!”

Pre-orders for the blade, which is being marketed as ‘The 21st Century Way to Eat the Rich’ are currently in the thousands.


Renowned Acting School to Offer MFA in Grant Writing/Fundraising

NEW HAVEN – In an early morning press conference on Monday, the Yale Drama School announced that it would begin offering a Masters of Fine Arts degree in grant writing and fundraising.

The new program is set to kickoff in the 2020-2021 academic year with a cohort of eight grant writers and fundraisers. The ambitious group will work alongside the school’s renowned acting program to craft thoughtfully worded and overly detailed applications for grants around the world. The school has already begun accepting applications for the program.

“This is a big new step for us,” said Wernor Hickey, the MFA program’s spokesperson. “One of the most oft-overlooked vocations in the theater and performing arts industry is that of grant writer and fundraiser. We aim to bring the rigorous standards of the Yale School of Drama to this exciting and burgeoning new profession.”

Before this program, grant writers and fundraisers – often falling under the umbrella term of “development staff” – were largely an underpaid and unimportant part of non-profit theaters. That’s all set to change, says Hickey.

“This new program will immerse students in the rigorous and unrewarding life of a development director.” Hickey said with a pleasant sigh. “They’ll spend long hours in front of their computers, crafting language that is unnecessarily flowery and somehow also monotonously boring. They’ll do it all for grants that are either way out of their reach or so minuscule that it isn’t worth their time and effort.”

The MFA in Grant Writing program promises students job placement and job security directly after graduation, with salaried jobs beginning at $60,000 a year. This is a stark contrast from the school’s MFA in Acting, which promises no jobs whatsoever. The grant writing program has already received over 500 applications from students around the globe.

Jesus to Christians: “What Part of My Story Made You Think I Like Crosses?”

EARTH – Jesus H. Christ arrived on Earth Sunday morning, deciding now was as good a time as any to judge the living and the dead and to at last bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. Before he could set any of that into motion, he passed by St. Luke’s Episcopal Church on the corner of Centerview and Broadhurst in Oakridge, Illinois.

“Wait a second,” said Jesus. “What is that? Is that me on a cross? What the hell, you guys.”

“What about ‘Do good unto others’ and ‘Clothe the poor, treat the sick, shelter the homeless’ made you think I wanted to be remembered like THAT?” He continued.

Jesus reportedly approached the pastor of St. Luke’s, Father Francis Evans, and instructed him approximately where he could shove that crucifix.

“I heard about all the other messed up stuff you’ve been doing in my name, and we’ll get started on that, but first things first: this crucifix nonsense.”

After the church’s crucifix was removed, the Son of God walked next door into the church’s small gift shop, where his jaw abruptly dropped.

“Jesus Christ…”

WWI Disowns Offspring

EARTH – By the end of the Great War in 1918, historians hypothesized the conflagration had given birth to Totalitarianism. Suffering economies had deadlocked reparations. Governments, bitter from sending millions of their own to die for reasons that proved “not very well thought through” were desperate to put the conflict behind them. Humans, being what they were, blamed the Great War.

“I was offended,” said the Great War in a statement. “So I’ve taken matters into my own hands.”

The first step was to change its name. With the outbreak of the second world war, the Great War has since been known as World War One.

And it rested easy in increasing anonymity.

“Europe hasn’t forgotten. But Americans practically don’t know me by now. They’re a forgetful lot. Is there an app for that?”

Unfortunately, Totalitarianism continued to rear its ugly head, consistently claiming WWI was its creator.

“That little brat spoiled everything,” said WWI. “But I am vindicated by the fact that 1939 wasn’t my problem. In fact, many of the same people who fought in my war headed up the next one. So, it was obviously them.”

In a bold move on Monday, World War One issued a statement, officially disowning Totalitarianism and claiming the rightful parents are…

“Humans. What other life form is stupid enough to think of something like that?”

~ by Dan Plighter

Tinder Date Goes Well, Nation in Shock

PROVIDENCE – A recent first date by a man and a woman who met on the dating app Tinder has sent shockwaves across the United States as both privately announced to their friends that they would, in fact, seek a second date.

The man, Jeremy Hill, 28, a graduate of Brown University with a degree in philosophy, cornered his older brother at a recent family member’s birthday party.

“He came up to me with this big smirk on his face,” said the brother, Damon Hill. “He took a sip from his Sam Adams and said, ‘Day, I met someone.'”

Elsewhere in the greater Providence area, the woman, Louisa Trepani, 30, a college admissions officer, made a quick phone call to her mother.

“Oh I am so happy she met someone nice,” said Maryanne Trepani. “It’s so hard for kids these days.”

The couple reportedly got drinks at Mulligan’s Tavern, a hip restaurant in downtown Providence. Eyewitnesses described their body language as ‘engaged, but not over-eager.’

“They each enjoyed a couple Sam Adams,” said bartender John Mullin.

Passersby outside the restaurant observed a goodbye that ended with an exchange of phone numbers and a passionate embrace.

This article is running simultaneously in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and the Providence Journal, and will be updated if the couple decides to seek a third date.