Congressman Lowers Expectations

WASHINGTON – Waves rippled through Capitol Hill Wednesday evening when a Soundcloud track of a freshman democratic congressman exposed what was perceived as the politician’s unvarnished strategy. The quote was recorded at a popular, if overly priced, restaurant. The quote, in its entirety, is as follows:

“I’m lowering my expectations. I mean, low. So low that I might flush them. In fact, as soon as I’m done explaining myself I’m going to the toilet to flush them because that’s how  low they’re going. Down the old tubes. Down, down… down down, around in a swirl and down further. Crocodiles can eat my expectations. You know, the crocodiles in the sewer that everyone is scared of? Well, they’re real. Did I ever tell you that time I was a kid and ventured into a big drainage ditch like a quarter mile or something and saw man holes overhead and they were filled with cockroaches? That happened. That was never unearthed during my campaign which shows you how thorough those press people really are, but it happened. I saw cockroaches under manhole covers. Talk about an iron ceiling. Anyway, that’s where my expectations are going. Down there. Cockroaches will look down on my expectations. And then it will all be easier.”

The unknown dining partner asked, “do you mean… expectations that you’ll get to read the Mueller report? Or the next two years of this administration?”

The congressman replied, “I meant for the steak I ordered. What are you talking about?”

The Nebulous Observer, along with all major news organizations of the world, past and present, has been asked to help to identify the identity of the congressman, as well as how he ordered his steak.

~ by Dan Plighter

Brooklyn Couple About to Record Acoustic Cover of Hip-Hop Song, Oh God

BROOKYLN – A young, attractive Brooklyn couple shocked the world on Tuesday afternoon when they decided to spend their afternoon recording an acoustic cover of the song “Keanu Reeves” by artist Logic.

“It was such a great idea,” said Jaime Howard, 25, a part-time nanny and yoga instructor. “[Kyle] came in with my acoustic guitar and said ‘Babe, listen to this.'”

Sources say that Kyle Bennett, 29, a trivia host and artisan chocolatier, then proceeded to play a repetitive series of slow gentle chords before launching into Logic’s iconic song, which he warbled with an airy tenor voice.

“I was floored,” said Howard. “It was so beautiful I had to put down the kombucha scoby I was propagating. It made me cry.”

After a brief emotional exchange between the couple, they concluded that the only way forward was to sit down in front of their low-res MacBook Air cameras and begin recording.

“I gave Jaime her guitar, grabbed my ukulele, and here we are, our first take,” said Bennett, as he tuned the nylon strings of his twenty-five dollar instrument.

“It’s really brilliant what music can do, isn’t it?” Howard asked as she straightened the brim of her overlarge felt Panama hat.

At press time, the couple was reportedly assembling a tiny xylophone to give their cover a more ‘fully produced’ feel.

Sculptor Makes Fifteen Foot Statue of Neighbor

CORVALLIS – In central Oregon, in the Benton County seat of Corvallis, an astonished neighbor awoke to the view of a fifteen foot sculpture of himself staring at his own house.

“It’s a good likeness. I look tall. Fit.”

Jerry Congrummy has lived in the same house since the neighborhood was established.

“I was the first one here. I feel like this neighborhood is mine in a way. I don’t own all of it, but I feel an ownership. I think that’s the American thing.”

Some neighbors take exception to Congrummy’s proprietary attitude.

Nancy Pastrammus lives across from Mr. Congrummy. She said, “Jerry shouldn’t go criticizing people’s lawns or yard decorations. We have a homeowner’s association for that.”

Jerry is the chairman of the HOA.

“What’s he want? Everyone to have the same house as him?”

Jerry responded, “Nancy is nosy. Nobody likes her. She’s the one the HOA is trying to haze. That’s off the record, right?”

Things began to change last fall when internationally ignored sculptor Katrick Piernan, or Meer Kat Pier Kat as he calls himself, moved into the neighborhood. He was quickly indoctrinated.

“I encountered what I call Congrummy’s attention. I was augmenting my garage to be an art studio. I had building permits. It was approved by the HOA. But Jerry started showing up with suggestions.”

Meer Kat Pier Kat finished his sculpting studio on time, then retreated inside to work. The winter months passed. Not even peeping Nancy saw much of Piernan.

The overnight unveiling of the statue was a surprise to the entire neighborhood.

“It looks just like him. It’s an eyesore,” said Nancy. “My partner says my hatred for Jerry has something to do with my opinion, but I don’t agree.”

Meer Kat Pier Kat said, “It’s an homage. And also a ‘piss off.’ But I don’t think Jerry gets it.”

“I look handsome,” said Jerry. “I like my sculpted self.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Woman Finds Long Lost Treasured Keepsake

PHILADELPHIA – Blair Riny Tichards was enjoying a peaceful day at the Shofuso Japanese House and Garden when she came across something she’d never seen before.

“It was just laying on the ground right in front of me. I laughed because at first I thought it was a joke,” said Blair. “Then I thought it was fish food.”

Upon examining the find, an amoeba shaped gooey substance with no distinct coloring, she discovered a name and address and a short, handwritten plea attached.

“It said, ‘if anyone finds this, please return immediately to Sampson Townhouse of downtown Philadelphia. This isn’t a joke. But it could be.’ It was so strange.”

Blair went to the Shofuso welcome desk and explained what she found. She was astonished at the receptionists reaction.

“You’re kidding!” said the Garden employee. “My supervisor tells me that guy has been here every week for ten years. I always thought he was kidding.”

Blair contacted Mr. Townhouse and was greeted with an exuberant thank you. They met a week later.

Townhouse said, “It was a while back, but I remember the weekend when suddenly I didn’t find anything funny. Nothing was enjoyable anymore. I didn’t like comedy. I couldn’t place it. I had lost my sense of humor.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Foley Artist Exposé Rocks Hollywood

HOLLYWOOD – For as long as films have had sound, foley artists have had jobs. But that may change for Artie Poundcake, one of the most respected and well known foley artists amongst the glitz and glamour of tinsel town.

Then again, Poundcake may not need one.

His new book, Gishhhhewwiickkslpop, is smashing its way to the top of the New York Times Best Seller list.

Poundcake grew up on Ventura Boulevard, just east of where the vampires of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin” move west. While his mother worked three jobs to pay rent, Poundcake was often left to his own devices for entertainment.

“There I was in the middle of one of the centers of the entertainment business, and my TV didn’t even have a speaker.”

Poundcake began to create sound effects and dialogue for the shows he watched. By the time he graduated high school, George Lucas had seen a demo reel of Poundcake’s work. The rest, as they say, is history.

“He was a prodigy,” said George Lucas. “I immediately built a wing for him at Lucas Ranch.”

And now Poundcake has told all in his exposé.

“What a lot of people don’t know is I make all the sounds with my mouth,” he says. “I don’t use real objects. That’s for amateurs.”

And in the book, he spells them phonetically.

“I want to inspire kids in this day of digital everything that they can do a lot with nothing. Also, they can do nothing with all they have. It’s their choice.”

A few examples from his book:

RRRREETTCHDHEEEKKK is a compulsory tire squeal in chase sequences (even on dirt roads, for idiot editors.)

PERHHHHc has been used in hand to hand combat for every John Wayne film ever made.

SLSSIEIEPLLSLSLLSCJNBBBB is a simple one used for footsteps on gravel.

However, some studio executives are protesting loudly from their large ranches, punching the air with the hand that isn’t holding a dirty martini.

“He shouldn’t have pulled the curtain,” said the head of Trixar. “It’s like a magician giving away the secrets of the illusion.”

“This doesn’t sound like a good idea,” said Clark Tarke, executive of Marapount. (To be fair, Tark may have been referring to the idea of a clean martini.)

Other foley artists have also voiced their concerns.

“BoinkkkUUULLLUPPP,” said one veteran.

“CHCKEKEKEIJJJEANNVE,” said another, through tears.

In his own defense, Poundcake said, “I’ve always made waves. I guess this is just the next cycle.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Cthulhu to Humanity: “Nah, you got this.”

MEDITERRANEAN – Shortly before 1:00 p.m. local time on Sunday, a massive creature, roughly the size of the island of Manhattan, with a vaguely humanoid body and an octopoid face, rose from the depths of the Mediterranean Sea to completely and utterly destroy the human race.

After breaching with a bellowing roar that shattered windows as far away as London, the beast took stock of the creatures that stood in its path. It thrashed and flailed, causing tsunamis in mainland Italy and Greece. It scattered boats that laid in its path, capsizing many. Then – abruptly – it stopped. 

“What….?” It said in a deep echoing boom. “What the hell have you people done? Look at this place!” 

The massive creature began gesturing wildly at the arctic ice caps.

“Holy hell! Look at those! The last time I raged and stampeded, they were one hundred times bigger – easily!”

It turned its eyes heavenward, examining the atmosphere of the planet.

“What have you done to the ozone layer!? Look what you’ve DONE to the ozone layer!”

The rampaging beast Cthulhu spun around, marveling at how dire the environmental health of the Earth had become. Lost for words, it dropped its massive arms and exhaled deeply.

“You know what, you guys. Nevermind. You got this.”

Cthulhu then took a wide turn and began sinking back into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean just beyond the coast of Spain. It turned back one last time.

“Jesus, y’all. I was ready to boil the oceans and rain fire from the skies, but this is WAY better than anything I could’ve come up with. Carry on.”

It slowly dipped back into the ocean, raising both middle fingers to the Earth. Its last words echoed through the air as it disappeared.

“Good luck, you monsters.”

Mystery Bank Robber Tracked Down

ANCHORAGE – In the late summer and fall of 2018, a string of bank robberies in Anchorage, Alaska baffled law enforcement.

“There was no getaway vehicle. No sign of how the suspect managed to disappear. This went on for months.”

First the Northrim Bank was held up in late October of 2018. Then a Wells Fargo, almost a month later to the day. Finally in December, the Northern Skies Federal Credit Union was robbed. The characteristic tying the three establishments together? They were near the University of Alaska.

Justin Lambo, lead detective on the case divulged, “It was always around the same time. About 4 o’clock in the afternoon on a Thursday. The suspect, dressed in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt, and backpack, would enter the bank, take a good amount of cash with no fuss, and then… vanish. We don’t think the suspect was armed.”

Since December, investigators have kept a close watch on the financial institutions. To no avail.

Until Thursday.

A suspect in a ball cap, baggy sweatshirt and backpack entered the Anchorage 5th 3rd 12th Bank, gathered cash from a teller, and then vanished.

Almost.

“We saw these tracks leading from the entrance to the bank to an apartment building. It was pretty easy after that.”

Around five in the evening, officials stormed the home of John D. Ilinger. Inside, was a pair of nordic skis, $20,000 in small bills stacked neatly on a coffee table, and a few rolls of quarters next to a jug of laundry detergent.

“At first we thought the suspect was clean, but then we pieced it together. The evidence fits.”

Mr. Illinger confessed to the robberies of the other banks last fall. He also confessed to being a sophomore at the University of Alaska.

“You think I’m going to take out loans?” Illinger said in a statement, leaning back in his chair in a posture of defiance for all institutions for all time.

Lambo said, “The suspect being a student explains the time, and how he vanished into the throng of students getting out of class. We think his getaway vehicle lat fall may have been a skateboard. Punk skateboarding hooligans. Who can tell them apart?”

When asked why he thought he could get away from a bank on nordic skis in the dead of winter, Illinger replied, “I trained for two months. I’m in good condition. But now I have a bad track record.”

~ by Dan Plighter

The Famed “Loco-Motion” Goes Green

LONDON – “You got to swing your hips, now…” Sings Little Eva in the iconic 1962 hit song “The Loco-Motion.”

Written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King, the song was intended for Dee Dee Sharp, but she turned it down. Oops.

But in recent months, the song, though no longer brand new, has taken hip London clubs by storm with a twist of environmentalism. It is now nicknamed the “Green Locomotion.”

Clive Cliven, owner of The Blue Spot, one of the most exclusive clubs in Soho, said, “You move around the floor, just like in the old version, but without the carbon emissions. Except for people’s breathing.”

“Everybody’s doing it,” said one dancer, mid stride, (quite obviously just quoting the song and adding nothing to this article).

A shady looking on-looker criticized the dance. “It’s still just a conga.” (He drank alone all night.)

Penelope, a fan of the original, and nightly participant of the new movement said, “They didn’t know about global warming in the 60s. They were just excited that the pill was widely available so everyone was shagging without lambskins.”

While other clubs are catching on, The Blue Spot is ahead of the curve, and enjoying a surge of business. 

Cliven said, “People use personal vehicles from the far reaches of England to come to our place to celebrate environmentalism. It’s just fantastic for the green movement.”

Additional Clinical Trials Cancelled to Fast Track Fast Acting Antidepressant

In a rare twist of caution and complete disregard for pharmaceutical company interests, the FDA approved a close cousin of a club drug from the 80s and 90s, ketamine, (also known as Special K) to treat depression.

Ketamine has been used widely for fifty years as a safer alternative to PCP in operating rooms, on the battlefield, and in pediatric clinics. When it was discovered to produce antidepressant effects, researchers rolled up their sleeves, and snorted some to be certain. Sure enough, the rumors were true.

However, extreme reactions of ketamine range from hallucinations and out of body experiences to the potential for psychotic episodes in those who may be prone.

A new drug called esketamine, derived from the ketamine molecule, is said to share the same potential side effects, but less so, say researchers who do not fully understand how it works.

But the FDA has not let that stop them. They’re eager to let the paying public complete their clinical trials for them.

The FDA opted to forgo a second short-term trial, after esketamine failed two trials; trials that showed the new drug did not out perform a placebo. 

“It’s much cheaper for us if we let regular people pay for something that isn’t well understood. That way we can see the results on unsuspecting idiots. Otherwise, we have to go through a whole long scientific process and stuff, and nobody really knows what that is anyway.”

Defenders of this conscientious decision to skip a more thorough study of the effects of esketamine before hitting the market insist the decision has nothing to do with the global $12 Billion antidepressant industry and the cash that pharmaceutical companies can make at people’s expense.

Many mental health professionals are behind the release of esketamine.

To administer esketamine, one sprays it up one’s nose. A ghastly endeavor; one to be repelled.

“There is absolutely no cause for alarm. This drug will certainly not be abused in any way. People simply won’t go to the trouble to snort something up their nose to alter their experience,” said an anonymous pharmaceutical rep.

“It’s a win-win for us,” said all of the predatory pharmaceutical CEOs in unison as the FDA stood behind them clapping and spraying them with Champage. “Call us on our yachts. Beelzebub is about to sail.”

Profile: The Godfather Cat

LOS ANGELES – When The Godfather was released in 1972, a certain cat experienced a meteoric rise from the runt of the litter to a mega star within a cat nap’s time.

“Meow,” the cat said in an interview shortly after the film’s release. “Meow meow.”

Before filming, the cat was an untrained actor, unfamiliar with life on set. She spent most of her time eating, sleeping, eating some more, and then soiling the litter box to round out the day’s activities.

“Meow.”

Everything changed indeed. Handpicked by Marlon Brando to be featured in the iconic first sequence of the film, she was unknowingly thrust into the spotlight.

“Reouww.”

“She handled it very well, I thought,” said the cat’s chief caretaker. “A lot of cat’s would have gotten their fur all matted.”

One particularly striking aspect of the scene with Mr. Brando was his divided attention. Brando never looked at the cat he was holding and petting. He kept his focus on the other actors.

“At first she was confused,” said the on-set cat servant, “She was being handled, pet, and cuddled, but not with undivided attention. That’s strange for a cat.”

But the experience taught her a valuable lesson in performance. And after the release of the film, she was deemed the Godmother of Film Acting Cats. She held lessons in purring while sleeping, answered queries about how to feel when a human’s attention is divided, acting lessons, and of course, the million and one ways to wake a human from the most sound and comfortable sleep.

“She never did another movie of that caliber,” said the head litter box cleaner. “But she had a lot to offer cats of other generations, and helped open doors for their film careers.”

She also had a lot of kittens.

And thirty-five generations later, an offspring of the Godmother has just landed a starring role in the upcoming film Mars Again.

When asked for comment, the up and coming star simply stated, “Meorrw.” Just like his grandmother of many generations ago.