White House Declares National Emergency to Figure Out Who Turned Up the Thermostat

WASHINGTON – The world of Washington politics erupted in shock and outrage on Sunday as the White House declared a national emergency to determine who adjusted the thermostat from 64 to 68 degrees.

“The American people have a right to know who thinks this country is made of money,” said one White House spokesperson. “And when we get to the bottom of this we are going to have a strong conversation about the priorities of this nation.”

Senators and congressional representatives were being rushed from room to room at the Capitol early Monday morning as discussions began about the legality of such a declaration and the ramifications it will have on executive privilege.

“It’s our god-given right to live in a country where we don’t have to wear a sweater and shoes inside,” said Democratic Representative Celia Turnbill. “And this sets a dangerous precedent that the executive branch has license to make any and all decisions about what’s best for this family.”

“The deficit has exploded over the past several years,” began the White House spokesperson. “And the only real solution is to pinch and save where and when we can. We’re going to figure out who went behind this President’s back and they will be punished accordingly.”

At press time, it was revealed that the thermostat was not turned up, but the change in temperature was, in fact, due to global climate change. The White House did not respond to a request for comment.

Author: Pembry Cornish

Pembry Cornish graduated summa cum laude from the University of Rhode Island, where he double majored in political science and journalism. After a brief stint at Rhode Island Public Radio, Cornish joined the Peace Corps, traveling to Botswana, Namibia, and Zimbabwe. After three years of service, Cornish returned home to the United States, and began working as the creative director for Minnesota Public Radio. In 2018, Cornish left MPR to pursue his dream of writing and publishing the news as he sees it, partnering with his long-time friend Dan Plighter on The Nebulous Observer.

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