Reanimated Corpse of Abraham Lincoln Gets Sweet Deal on Toyota Corolla

SPRINGFIELD – The corpse of Abraham Lincoln crawled from its grave on Wednesday, and was greeted by a sweet sweet President’s Day deal on a new 2019 Toyota Corolla.

“Mr. Lincoln came into the dealership around 1:30 p.m., and we were pleased to offer him one of our deepest discounts on a new fuel-efficient Toyota. He drove off with 0% APR for 18 months and a slew of special features that usually aren’t in this model,” said Chip Tolero, a salesman at Mattis Ford and Toyota of Springfield, Illinois.

Mr. Lincoln, famous for the Emancipation Proclamation and for guiding the nation through the darkness of the American Civil War, was pleased that a holiday celebrating his life has morphed into a siren song of capitalism.

“Look at this baby,” said the 16th president, slapping the roof of the car. “I get 33 miles to the gallon. That’s unheard of in a model with this kind of torque and performance. Who knew President’s Day would be such a good time to buy?”

“We are proud to do business with America’s greatest Republican president,” said Tolero.

When asked if commemorating the life and endeavors of Presidents such as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln with discounts on cars was appropriate, Tolero was unfazed.

“It’s what our nation’s great leaders would’ve wanted. I asked Lincoln.”

Author: Pembry Cornish

Pembry Cornish graduated summa cum laude from the University of Rhode Island, where he double majored in political science and journalism. After a brief stint at Rhode Island Public Radio, Cornish joined the Peace Corps, traveling to Botswana, Namibia, and Zimbabwe. After three years of service, Cornish returned home to the United States, and began working as the creative director for Minnesota Public Radio. In 2018, Cornish left MPR to pursue his dream of writing and publishing the news as he sees it, partnering with his long-time friend Dan Plighter on The Nebulous Observer.

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