Surge in Subscribers Forces Journalistic Self-Destruction

NEBULOUS HEADQUARTERS – The Nebulous Observer has announced that they will be shuttering their doors due to a recent exponential surge in subscribers and readership.

“We’re really hot right now,” said Editor-in-Chief, and founder of the award dodging journal, Dan Plighter. “And because of our popularity, we simply cannot keep pace with satirical observations of our world. We will close our doors and let humanity satirize its own existence by… well, by making one stupid decision after another.”

Letters and emails and tweets and facebook messages and Marco Polos and Snap Chats and TikToks and messenger pigeons inundated the NO offices following the announcement Dan made in his living room, alone, with no one to hear him.

“I guess I must have published something,” he said from a tangle of charging cords nursing drained devices. “I’m not sure how our millions of adoring fans found out otherwise. An investigation is underway.”

Pembry Cornish, long time Culture and Political correspondent for the Nebulous Observer, was reached aboard his mega-yacht in Sydney Harbor.

“Oh, that little paper?” he chortled when asked for comment. “No no, I sold my shares in that venture when the getting was good. I write Rudy Giuliani’s press releases now, baby!” He raised his champagne flute in a toast, to which the crew of the RMS Petroshenko cheered.

Cornish leaned back in his seat, an olive tan handsomely contrasting the snow-white searsucker suit he was wearing.

“Sure, it’s soulless work, but that’s why I try to get as much Vitamin D as possible. Another four months here and then we’re off for Martinique. Please send Dan [Plighter] my best, won’t you?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway,” said Plighter. “What does?”

Roman Sculpture Authenticated

ANCIENT ROME – A sculpture going from a dusty attic to the centerpiece of the Uffizi Gallery in Florence sounds like a fairy tale. But a recent authentication of an ancient Roman statue has brought this fairy tale into living reality-ness.

Crowds gathered to view the newly restored bust. “To be clear, this is not a run-of-the-mill-piece of art,” said curator Bertolucci. “This clearly demonstrates a link between the ancient world and the new. Or relatively new. As you know, two thousand years was a long time ago. Much before the Ferrari.”

The link Bertolucci refers to is the often pondered gap of why the men who brought down Julius Caesar in a governmental blood bath were not immortalized in marble during their lifetimes for their other accomplishments.

“Busts of the famous figures were carved many years later, and augmenting their haircuts for everyone to think that’s how ancient Romans wore their hair. They had running water, but not scissors. Why such hair cuts? It makes no sense,” Bertolucci espoused. “However, these men, judge how you will of what they did to Caesar, they were accomplished Senators and Tribunes and the like in their lifetimes. Why not celebrate this?”

The recently authenticated statue is of Marcus Brutus, reportedly Caesar’s close ally. Found in an attic of an old house, the homeowners contacted the museum.

“It’s unique,” Nardo, the owner said. “I thought we should at least ask.”

Bertolucci glowed as he described the piece. “Interestingly enough, or not, is that Marcus was for Pompey, but when Pompey was killed he aligned himself with Caesar. But what is even more interesting is the action of Brutus in the statue. He is eating a barbecue sandwich.”

People gawked as they examined the statue. Indeed, Marcus Brutus is mid-bite of a large barbecue sandwich with coleslaw.

“I’ve always thought BBQ was an ancient tradition,” claimed a tourist from Memphis, Tennessee. “Now we have proof. But who is this Brutus guy?”

– Dan Plighter

County Celebrates the Fourth on the Fifth, or Some Other Time

WISCONSIN – As each village competes to bring tourists to their trappings, Door County of Wisconsin managed to skip this year’s celebration of the 4th of July.

“We celebrate it on different days. It allows people to spend more money and drink more in different villages,” said an advocate and anonymous village board member. “We like that.”

Each village plans their own parade and activities.

“We do ours on the 3rd,” said a representative of Egg Harbor.

“Ours is on the 5th,” reported Sister Bay.

“Our village is too poor to do fireworks,” lamented Juddville.

As the NO dug further, it turned out no one organized fireworks displays for the 4th. The common answer to the question was ‘we thought someone else was doing that.’

That did not stop residents from setting fire to the noisemakers and light makers, however.

“We do fireworks all friggin’ week because I pay for this house that’s why,” stated a man who visits his property one week per year.

The small village of Valmy, however, said they are planning for an August 4th celebration of July 4th.

“It has the same number. I think people will like that.”

-Dan Plighter

Man Battles Signs. Wins.

NEW YORK – An elderly man in complete battle regalia was seen challenging sign posts on 125th today, in a quest for greatness. Onlookers gawked as he approached one sign after another, exchanged words, challenged it to a duel, and proceeded to pull out his rapier and fence with the inanimate object. At times, he called out “judgement!” in an apparent need of regulation and gentlemanliness associated with dueling.

However, it was not long before authorities, approaching cautiously, were able to talk the man down.

“I want mutton!” He exclaimed as he sheathed his rapier.

Later, in jail, after paying a fine for fencing in public with a deadly weapon, the man was recorded as saying, “I’m sorry, I know they were sign posts. But I can read the signs. I thought they might become fence posts.”

~ Dan Plighter

Robert Mueller to Public: “Did you not read my email?”

WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.

“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”

The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.

“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”

Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.

“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.

Nods around the room prompted him to go on.

“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”

Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.

This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.

After Years of Trying to Fix the Subway, Mayor de Blasio to Give Up, Run for President Instead

NEW YORK – New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced on Wednesday that he would join the crowded field of Democrats seeking the 2020 Presidential nomination, after finally giving up trying to repair the aging New York City transit system.

“He just threw his hands up in a meeting with (New York City Transit President) Andy Byford and said ‘That’s it, it’s impossible.,'” mayoral aide Stephanie Howland said. “And he just walked out of the room.”

The mayor’s aides sought to follow him back to his office after his outburst, but the two-term mayor had already barricaded himself inside, launching into a diatribe that could be heard clearly from the hallway.

“‘It’ll never get fixed. Never! We’ve tried everything and nothing’s working,'” one aide quoted from de Blasio’s tirade. The aide went on: “He said, ‘I might as well quit and run for president with how this **** is going.'”

The mayor’s outburst, which included flinging papers and overturning chairs abruptly stopped. The door to his office flew open and he yelled to his staffers outside.

“Get in here, I’ve got an idea.” he said to the crowded group outside the door.

Mayor de Blasio should have no trouble repairing a crumbling, 250 year-old republic of 350 million people after his feeble attempts at fixing a few 100 year-old broken trains.

Recluse Moves to Big City and Loses Friends

NEW YORK – Shawn Kleg has lived in a remote part of the Idaho wilderness for over forty years. In that time he has grown and hunted his own food, fashioned his own clothes and shelter. He even made his own guns.

“I learned how to bore out steel rods. I used musket balls from the shavings. When I killed something, I’d reuse it. Everything took a while, but I had nothing but time.”

Kleg considers himself a philosopher.

“If there’s a thing to think about, I’ve thought about it. I had the time. And I had plenty of friends.”

Kleg then did the unexpected. He moved to New York City.

“I’ve thought about Manhattan for almost forty years. I figured it was time to give that lifestyle a trial run.”

He packed up his things, both of them, and hiked down to Boise where he caught a bus. As he traveled he noticed how things have changed since the late seventies when he ventured away from society and towards the wild.

“For one thing, people have their faces buried in their palms. I finally figured out those were phones. Of course, in the seventies we were all doing ‘ludes, so I guess this is the new drug.”

Over a seventeen day bus ride (due to delays and rerouting, and the generally slow progress of bus travel) Kleg arrived in the Big Apple. He has been staying in a hostel for the last week while he looks at apartments.

“I haven’t touched my investments I made since I walked off the pavement and never looked back. The last thing I did was buy some stock in a startup called Microsoft. I guess they did pretty well.”

Kleg’s biggest adjustment, however, has been isolation.

“There’s no one to talk to in New York. I don’t know how long I’ll stay.”

~ Dan Plighter

Bosnian Pine Applies for Immigrant Visa

GREECE – A tree named Adonis, a Bosnian Pine considered by scientists to be the oldest living tree in all of Europe (an astounding 1075 years old) applied for an immigrant visa this morning to… “anywhere but earth.”

The application, made from self produced parchment and discovered by immigration officer Giorgos Papadopoulos, clearly laid out reasoning that baffled scientists worldwide. It said quite simply, “I’m old and I’ve seen a lot, and this isn’t getting any better. I’m a patient tree, but I have limits. I mean, my God, people! Get it together!”

Ken Smack, a researcher from the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research at the University of Arizona heard the news and immediately hopped on a plane to not only find out what is going on, but also to increase his personal carbon footprint by flying all over the world. “This seems to be written by a sentient being. But it’s a tree. So we’re confused.”

In Greece, Greek tree huggers hired their favorite dendrochronologist, Lisa Dater, to date the application.

“Well,” said Dater, “The logos are all correct, and the watermark is accurate. Also there are some water marks from rain, and it rained last night so… we think it was written early this week. It’s definitely genuine.”

The USCIS is still processing the application, apparently trying to find “anywhere but earth.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Portugal Sues the World

PORTUGAL – Today in an unprecedented lawsuit, all of Portugal’s Port wine makers sued the world to claim the exclusive use of the word ‘Port.’

“It’s not pocket science,” translated the unskilled translator from Courtroom B of the Judiciary of Portugal. “The name ‘Port’ means brandy fortified wine. It can’t also mean a place to put a boat.”

Some argue the name ‘Port’ should instead be removed from all brandy fortified wine from Portugal. 

“Why not call it Tugal?” Said Christiano. “Then there would be no confusion. This is just arrogance.”

Original exports of wine from Portugal spoiled during shipment between… ports. Until one day an alcoholic captain of the first order (official title) was seen drinking and happy aboard a ship where all the other sailors were miserably sober.

Historian Padraig Pallav explained, “Legend has it that particular captain always had a cask of brandy with him, though no one saw it. They think he disguised it as a parrot, though no one can prove that.”

Apparently, the captain added brandy to everything, including his wine. When it didn’t spoil, the idea caught on, leading to what is known as Port wine.

“What are we going to say,” added Christiano, “that we’re going down to the dock where the boats bob about and wait for shipping? No. I will say ‘port.’ I will always say ‘port.’ And I’m a teetotaler. So there.”

~ Dan Plighter

Urban Outfitters to Begin Selling Guillotine for At-Home Beheadings

PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters, the popular clothing and lifestyle store among affluent and chic hipsters, is set to begin offering a life-size guillotine for purchase at all of its 245 stores across the globe.

“Urban Outfitters has long been at the forefront of re-imagining retro cultural mainstays,” said spokesperson Camille Howard. “One of our most popular items has long been our Crosley record players, which began a sort of renaissance of vinyl among today’s youth. We think this new retro offering by UO will be a big hit among the millennial age group.”

The guillotine, which measures a total of 7.5 feet tall and weighs approximately 175 pounds, is a snap to assemble, according to Howard.

“It comes in two equally weighted boxes for easy transport, and you can set it up in under an hour!” Howard exclaimed. “Once the weighted blade – or mouton – is carefully positioned in the grooves, you’re all set to begin executing your enemies!”

Pre-orders for the blade, which is being marketed as ‘The 21st Century Way to Eat the Rich’ are currently in the thousands.


Renowned Acting School to Offer MFA in Grant Writing/Fundraising

NEW HAVEN – In an early morning press conference on Monday, the Yale Drama School announced that it would begin offering a Masters of Fine Arts degree in grant writing and fundraising.

The new program is set to kickoff in the 2020-2021 academic year with a cohort of eight grant writers and fundraisers. The ambitious group will work alongside the school’s renowned acting program to craft thoughtfully worded and overly detailed applications for grants around the world. The school has already begun accepting applications for the program.

“This is a big new step for us,” said Wernor Hickey, the MFA program’s spokesperson. “One of the most oft-overlooked vocations in the theater and performing arts industry is that of grant writer and fundraiser. We aim to bring the rigorous standards of the Yale School of Drama to this exciting and burgeoning new profession.”

Before this program, grant writers and fundraisers – often falling under the umbrella term of “development staff” – were largely an underpaid and unimportant part of non-profit theaters. That’s all set to change, says Hickey.

“This new program will immerse students in the rigorous and unrewarding life of a development director.” Hickey said with a pleasant sigh. “They’ll spend long hours in front of their computers, crafting language that is unnecessarily flowery and somehow also monotonously boring. They’ll do it all for grants that are either way out of their reach or so minuscule that it isn’t worth their time and effort.”

The MFA in Grant Writing program promises students job placement and job security directly after graduation, with salaried jobs beginning at $60,000 a year. This is a stark contrast from the school’s MFA in Acting, which promises no jobs whatsoever. The grant writing program has already received over 500 applications from students around the globe.

Jesus to Christians: “What Part of My Story Made You Think I Like Crosses?”

EARTH – Jesus H. Christ arrived on Earth Sunday morning, deciding now was as good a time as any to judge the living and the dead and to at last bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. Before he could set any of that into motion, he passed by St. Luke’s Episcopal Church on the corner of Centerview and Broadhurst in Oakridge, Illinois.

“Wait a second,” said Jesus. “What is that? Is that me on a cross? What the hell, you guys.”

“What about ‘Do good unto others’ and ‘Clothe the poor, treat the sick, shelter the homeless’ made you think I wanted to be remembered like THAT?” He continued.

Jesus reportedly approached the pastor of St. Luke’s, Father Francis Evans, and instructed him approximately where he could shove that crucifix.

“I heard about all the other messed up stuff you’ve been doing in my name, and we’ll get started on that, but first things first: this crucifix nonsense.”

After the church’s crucifix was removed, the Son of God walked next door into the church’s small gift shop, where his jaw abruptly dropped.

“Jesus Christ…”

WWI Disowns Offspring

EARTH – By the end of the Great War in 1918, historians hypothesized the conflagration had given birth to Totalitarianism. Suffering economies had deadlocked reparations. Governments, bitter from sending millions of their own to die for reasons that proved “not very well thought through” were desperate to put the conflict behind them. Humans, being what they were, blamed the Great War.

“I was offended,” said the Great War in a statement. “So I’ve taken matters into my own hands.”

The first step was to change its name. With the outbreak of the second world war, the Great War has since been known as World War One.

And it rested easy in increasing anonymity.

“Europe hasn’t forgotten. But Americans practically don’t know me by now. They’re a forgetful lot. Is there an app for that?”

Unfortunately, Totalitarianism continued to rear its ugly head, consistently claiming WWI was its creator.

“That little brat spoiled everything,” said WWI. “But I am vindicated by the fact that 1939 wasn’t my problem. In fact, many of the same people who fought in my war headed up the next one. So, it was obviously them.”

In a bold move on Monday, World War One issued a statement, officially disowning Totalitarianism and claiming the rightful parents are…

“Humans. What other life form is stupid enough to think of something like that?”

~ by Dan Plighter

Tinder Date Goes Well, Nation in Shock

PROVIDENCE – A recent first date by a man and a woman who met on the dating app Tinder has sent shockwaves across the United States as both privately announced to their friends that they would, in fact, seek a second date.

The man, Jeremy Hill, 28, a graduate of Brown University with a degree in philosophy, cornered his older brother at a recent family member’s birthday party.

“He came up to me with this big smirk on his face,” said the brother, Damon Hill. “He took a sip from his Sam Adams and said, ‘Day, I met someone.'”

Elsewhere in the greater Providence area, the woman, Louisa Trepani, 30, a college admissions officer, made a quick phone call to her mother.

“Oh I am so happy she met someone nice,” said Maryanne Trepani. “It’s so hard for kids these days.”

The couple reportedly got drinks at Mulligan’s Tavern, a hip restaurant in downtown Providence. Eyewitnesses described their body language as ‘engaged, but not over-eager.’

“They each enjoyed a couple Sam Adams,” said bartender John Mullin.

Passersby outside the restaurant observed a goodbye that ended with an exchange of phone numbers and a passionate embrace.

This article is running simultaneously in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and the Providence Journal, and will be updated if the couple decides to seek a third date.

Congressman Lowers Expectations

WASHINGTON – Waves rippled through Capitol Hill Wednesday evening when a Soundcloud track of a freshman democratic congressman exposed what was perceived as the politician’s unvarnished strategy. The quote was recorded at a popular, if overly priced, restaurant. The quote, in its entirety, is as follows:

“I’m lowering my expectations. I mean, low. So low that I might flush them. In fact, as soon as I’m done explaining myself I’m going to the toilet to flush them because that’s how  low they’re going. Down the old tubes. Down, down… down down, around in a swirl and down further. Crocodiles can eat my expectations. You know, the crocodiles in the sewer that everyone is scared of? Well, they’re real. Did I ever tell you that time I was a kid and ventured into a big drainage ditch like a quarter mile or something and saw man holes overhead and they were filled with cockroaches? That happened. That was never unearthed during my campaign which shows you how thorough those press people really are, but it happened. I saw cockroaches under manhole covers. Talk about an iron ceiling. Anyway, that’s where my expectations are going. Down there. Cockroaches will look down on my expectations. And then it will all be easier.”

The unknown dining partner asked, “do you mean… expectations that you’ll get to read the Mueller report? Or the next two years of this administration?”

The congressman replied, “I meant for the steak I ordered. What are you talking about?”

The Nebulous Observer, along with all major news organizations of the world, past and present, has been asked to help to identify the identity of the congressman, as well as how he ordered his steak.

~ by Dan Plighter

Brooklyn Couple About to Record Acoustic Cover of Hip-Hop Song, Oh God

BROOKYLN – A young, attractive Brooklyn couple shocked the world on Tuesday afternoon when they decided to spend their afternoon recording an acoustic cover of the song “Keanu Reeves” by artist Logic.

“It was such a great idea,” said Jaime Howard, 25, a part-time nanny and yoga instructor. “[Kyle] came in with my acoustic guitar and said ‘Babe, listen to this.'”

Sources say that Kyle Bennett, 29, a trivia host and artisan chocolatier, then proceeded to play a repetitive series of slow gentle chords before launching into Logic’s iconic song, which he warbled with an airy tenor voice.

“I was floored,” said Howard. “It was so beautiful I had to put down the kombucha scoby I was propagating. It made me cry.”

After a brief emotional exchange between the couple, they concluded that the only way forward was to sit down in front of their low-res MacBook Air cameras and begin recording.

“I gave Jaime her guitar, grabbed my ukulele, and here we are, our first take,” said Bennett, as he tuned the nylon strings of his twenty-five dollar instrument.

“It’s really brilliant what music can do, isn’t it?” Howard asked as she straightened the brim of her overlarge felt Panama hat.

At press time, the couple was reportedly assembling a tiny xylophone to give their cover a more ‘fully produced’ feel.

Sculptor Makes Fifteen Foot Statue of Neighbor

CORVALLIS – In central Oregon, in the Benton County seat of Corvallis, an astonished neighbor awoke to the view of a fifteen foot sculpture of himself staring at his own house.

“It’s a good likeness. I look tall. Fit.”

Jerry Congrummy has lived in the same house since the neighborhood was established.

“I was the first one here. I feel like this neighborhood is mine in a way. I don’t own all of it, but I feel an ownership. I think that’s the American thing.”

Some neighbors take exception to Congrummy’s proprietary attitude.

Nancy Pastrammus lives across from Mr. Congrummy. She said, “Jerry shouldn’t go criticizing people’s lawns or yard decorations. We have a homeowner’s association for that.”

Jerry is the chairman of the HOA.

“What’s he want? Everyone to have the same house as him?”

Jerry responded, “Nancy is nosy. Nobody likes her. She’s the one the HOA is trying to haze. That’s off the record, right?”

Things began to change last fall when internationally ignored sculptor Katrick Piernan, or Meer Kat Pier Kat as he calls himself, moved into the neighborhood. He was quickly indoctrinated.

“I encountered what I call Congrummy’s attention. I was augmenting my garage to be an art studio. I had building permits. It was approved by the HOA. But Jerry started showing up with suggestions.”

Meer Kat Pier Kat finished his sculpting studio on time, then retreated inside to work. The winter months passed. Not even peeping Nancy saw much of Piernan.

The overnight unveiling of the statue was a surprise to the entire neighborhood.

“It looks just like him. It’s an eyesore,” said Nancy. “My partner says my hatred for Jerry has something to do with my opinion, but I don’t agree.”

Meer Kat Pier Kat said, “It’s an homage. And also a ‘piss off.’ But I don’t think Jerry gets it.”

“I look handsome,” said Jerry. “I like my sculpted self.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Woman Finds Long Lost Treasured Keepsake

PHILADELPHIA – Blair Riny Tichards was enjoying a peaceful day at the Shofuso Japanese House and Garden when she came across something she’d never seen before.

“It was just laying on the ground right in front of me. I laughed because at first I thought it was a joke,” said Blair. “Then I thought it was fish food.”

Upon examining the find, an amoeba shaped gooey substance with no distinct coloring, she discovered a name and address and a short, handwritten plea attached.

“It said, ‘if anyone finds this, please return immediately to Sampson Townhouse of downtown Philadelphia. This isn’t a joke. But it could be.’ It was so strange.”

Blair went to the Shofuso welcome desk and explained what she found. She was astonished at the receptionists reaction.

“You’re kidding!” said the Garden employee. “My supervisor tells me that guy has been here every week for ten years. I always thought he was kidding.”

Blair contacted Mr. Townhouse and was greeted with an exuberant thank you. They met a week later.

Townhouse said, “It was a while back, but I remember the weekend when suddenly I didn’t find anything funny. Nothing was enjoyable anymore. I didn’t like comedy. I couldn’t place it. I had lost my sense of humor.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Foley Artist Exposé Rocks Hollywood

HOLLYWOOD – For as long as films have had sound, foley artists have had jobs. But that may change for Artie Poundcake, one of the most respected and well known foley artists amongst the glitz and glamour of tinsel town.

Then again, Poundcake may not need one.

His new book, Gishhhhewwiickkslpop, is smashing its way to the top of the New York Times Best Seller list.

Poundcake grew up on Ventura Boulevard, just east of where the vampires of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin” move west. While his mother worked three jobs to pay rent, Poundcake was often left to his own devices for entertainment.

“There I was in the middle of one of the centers of the entertainment business, and my TV didn’t even have a speaker.”

Poundcake began to create sound effects and dialogue for the shows he watched. By the time he graduated high school, George Lucas had seen a demo reel of Poundcake’s work. The rest, as they say, is history.

“He was a prodigy,” said George Lucas. “I immediately built a wing for him at Lucas Ranch.”

And now Poundcake has told all in his exposé.

“What a lot of people don’t know is I make all the sounds with my mouth,” he says. “I don’t use real objects. That’s for amateurs.”

And in the book, he spells them phonetically.

“I want to inspire kids in this day of digital everything that they can do a lot with nothing. Also, they can do nothing with all they have. It’s their choice.”

A few examples from his book:

RRRREETTCHDHEEEKKK is a compulsory tire squeal in chase sequences (even on dirt roads, for idiot editors.)

PERHHHHc has been used in hand to hand combat for every John Wayne film ever made.

SLSSIEIEPLLSLSLLSCJNBBBB is a simple one used for footsteps on gravel.

However, some studio executives are protesting loudly from their large ranches, punching the air with the hand that isn’t holding a dirty martini.

“He shouldn’t have pulled the curtain,” said the head of Trixar. “It’s like a magician giving away the secrets of the illusion.”

“This doesn’t sound like a good idea,” said Clark Tarke, executive of Marapount. (To be fair, Tark may have been referring to the idea of a clean martini.)

Other foley artists have also voiced their concerns.

“BoinkkkUUULLLUPPP,” said one veteran.

“CHCKEKEKEIJJJEANNVE,” said another, through tears.

In his own defense, Poundcake said, “I’ve always made waves. I guess this is just the next cycle.”

~ by Dan Plighter

Cthulhu to Humanity: “Nah, you got this.”

MEDITERRANEAN – Shortly before 1:00 p.m. local time on Sunday, a massive creature, roughly the size of the island of Manhattan, with a vaguely humanoid body and an octopoid face, rose from the depths of the Mediterranean Sea to completely and utterly destroy the human race.

After breaching with a bellowing roar that shattered windows as far away as London, the beast took stock of the creatures that stood in its path. It thrashed and flailed, causing tsunamis in mainland Italy and Greece. It scattered boats that laid in its path, capsizing many. Then – abruptly – it stopped. 

“What….?” It said in a deep echoing boom. “What the hell have you people done? Look at this place!” 

The massive creature began gesturing wildly at the arctic ice caps.

“Holy hell! Look at those! The last time I raged and stampeded, they were one hundred times bigger – easily!”

It turned its eyes heavenward, examining the atmosphere of the planet.

“What have you done to the ozone layer!? Look what you’ve DONE to the ozone layer!”

The rampaging beast Cthulhu spun around, marveling at how dire the environmental health of the Earth had become. Lost for words, it dropped its massive arms and exhaled deeply.

“You know what, you guys. Nevermind. You got this.”

Cthulhu then took a wide turn and began sinking back into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean just beyond the coast of Spain. It turned back one last time.

“Jesus, y’all. I was ready to boil the oceans and rain fire from the skies, but this is WAY better than anything I could’ve come up with. Carry on.”

It slowly dipped back into the ocean, raising both middle fingers to the Earth. Its last words echoed through the air as it disappeared.

“Good luck, you monsters.”